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A Pracitcal Guide For Beginners

Drinking Kumi Kumi™ is a fine art. Those who have never partaken of the stuff should take note of this. You don't just show up and start drinking it. It is just not done that way. Sacrilege! If you wish to partake of this delight you would be advised to follow a few simple principles.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION
First of all you should chose a good location. Granted you are too cheap to buy anything that is sealed in a bottle but that should not mean that you be cheap through and through! Have some pride, man! Look for a place with at least two walls. I mean, a man does have to have his dignity. If it has three that is an additional advantage and one with four walls-well! A roof will not be a bad idea too as it rains on occasion and it just won't do to get some rain into your drink.

MISCELLANEOUS SERVICES
Some establishment, such as Mama Snoop Dogg Owiti's, Obonyo's and So Fresh So Clean have additional services that the discerning drinker may want to pay a few shillings for. All three provide twine for you to use. What for? More on that later. Mama Snoop additionally can arrange for you to be carried to your home for an additional fee. Obonyo's has rooms in the back for the incapacitated. So Fresh So Clean offers twine of the following varieties: sisal, manilla and even wire for those who are bent on giving it a good night's work.

AMBIENCE
This is not an additional expense. All you need to look for is at least one candle. Don't bother if it is smoky or not. The whole idea is to be able to see your glass and be able to direct it to your mouth. As an added bonus smoky, ill-lit rooms also have the advantage of instantly making you more handsome than you currently are. You need the added advantage. Trust me!

ARRIVAL
It is best to arrive at about 7 in the evening when the early comers have come and drunk the stuff at the top of the barrel. As you know jet fuel is uncommonly light stuff and tends to float on top of the juicier contents, which is what you are interested in. After you have arranged for miscellaneous services you are issued three pieces of string. These you will use to tie the bottom of your trousers and the top too. You are not doing this as an attempt at fashion - you are doing this because the landlord wishes to spare himself the back strain and nose strain of removing your lunch from the floor.

After you have greeted your boys, at least those who are still vaguely conscious you the proceed to the door and give the secret knock. This usually varies from establishment to establishment. Usually it is a series of two short and two long knocks. When the door opens stretch your hand in with the money. The stuff is usually sold in units of five, with 5 bob giving you a quarter of a glass and 10 bob a full one. If you are a newcomer you might want to start with the 5 bob as this is extremely potent stuff. A few seconds will pass and then a glass will be placed in your hand.

DRINKING
Once you have secured your drink secure yourself a nice chair with plenty of room that will allow you to collapse to the floor without falling on anyone or anything. Just for your knowledge there was an occasion where a feller who had partaken a glass of the stuff collapsed precisely on the stomach of a feller who had taken three glasses. It took three days to clean up the mess. Once you are in position open your mouth, tip it back and throw the stuff down your throat. First timers will begin coughing like asthmatic bullfrogs and first timers and veterans alike will have their eyes water. This stuff is what makes Kenya Airways their money and if it can make a 747 whine imagine what it can do to you! It will take some minutes for it to kick in fully and if you are wise you will have a barmaid get you another glass because your feet will quite refuse to obey instructions from HQ. It is important that if you are to go on a spree you get all this stuff down as soon as possible.

WARNING
After having drunk a glass of this be very wary if there is a candle nearby. Of course in your state you will be seeing at least 6 different images of the candle but that is not important. What you should avoid is breathing out near the flame. Never forget the fact that what you have drunk can be used to fuel an F-16 jet fighter, and so it is very flammable. Back in '98 some unwary patron sneezed near a candle. Those who witnessed the event now know what a fire-breathing dragon might have looked like, although it cost them a lot of skin, eyebrows and hair. Fire is not your friend at this time.

EPILOG
After a variable amount of time, depending on your liver you will collapse spectacularly and heavily to the floor. Every single muscle in your body will be relaxed, including those that keep what is supposed to be in in until it is voluntarily released. In essence your lunch will emerge from your person and accumulate about your feet, and this is why the twine was provided in the first place! If you were wise you will have made arrangements for your accommodation. Your drunken stupor will last on a good day, assuming equatorial conditions, 4 to 5 days. Navigation in this state is of course, quite impossible.

With these few pointers I trust you shall enjoy yourself?

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