Mooted as a unique new fresh concept, the Miss Cellanious™ pageant promised to something different to everyone. Intelligence that there were no set waist or bust measurements proved to be an issue that raised complications. True, maidens of 36-26-36 registered. However there were others who were 26-36-26 who insisted on registering. The additional qualification that their measurements were to be proportional were smugly addressed by the fact that 26-36-26 was just as proportional as 36-26-36. The lady in charge of registering had a rough time explaining to another group of budding models who were 72-52-72 that indeed, they were proportional, but that the stage that was to be used was not going to be able to accommodate them in addition to all the other models. Something about concrete having definite limits as to the weight that it was possible to take.

Another participant arrived with a protruding forehead. The fact that she was seven feet six inches explained the protruding forehead, and if there was any doubt the chandelier that made far from gentle contact with that forehead removed all doubt. Hastily, the advertisement was rehashed to include height limits. This amendment also dashed the hopes of the pair of budding models who had to stand on each others shoulders to reach the doorknob.

Considerable hubbub was raised by a contestant who had an excellent figure, the correct measurements and the required grace and charm, but whose name happened to be George and who had a very well maintained moustache and beard. George maintained that as a citizen of Kenya he was entitled to enter the contest, and dismissed the female part as being a denial of his rights to participate in a beauty contest. My sympathies were with the desperate staff of the modeling agency that was organizing everything as they tried to explain that it was not called Miss Cellanious™ to make the letters an even number. After being given a complimentary make-up kit (that included several shades of lip-stick and eye pencils) George finally agreed to give the current contestants a chance but promised he would return the following year.

On the whole the rehearsals were a success. Of course there were some trying moments. Some of the budding models displayed a singular lack of grace. One of the girls was from the coast and her comment that her father was a sailor was not disputed while when she was on the catwalk she displayed a distinct listing to starboard. Yet another lass displayed ample evidence that a good part of the influence in her life was derived from the military when her catwalk was marveled at for its precision but the swinging of the arms and precise steps were precisely the thing that General Kibwana is looking for in his staff. The Department of Defence are rumoured to be expressing interest in that particular lass for the innumerable state functions in Nyayo Stadium where a lot of marching is carried out. Someone endeavoured to add spice to her catwalk by executing a cartwheel. As her feet were removed from behind her ears a some seconds later, and shattered timber that was the remnant of the observers’ chairs from her mouth she was heard to observe that she didn’t think the stage was quite so short. The observers were of the opinion that she hadn’t thought at all and proceeded to express themselves quite freely.

The model who tried to execute a back flip and two somersaults successfully pulled them off but again just before she disappeared off the edge of the stage was heard to express similar sentiments about the length of the stage. The resulting clatter and tangling of limbs (both model and observer) was quite some sight to behold. The observer who had involuntarily been kicked just above the ear wanted to exact immediate vengeance but was held back by the rest of her fellow observers.

But as time wore on the girls became more and more refined. Showers and razor blades ceased to be seen as tools of oppression by the white man. It was discovered that cologne, perfume and deodorant were different things. Someone astounded her colleagues by confessing that her supple skin was due to application of post-bath soap (Cusson’s Imperial Leather). Arm-pit hair was strongly and passionately advocated against. Equal rights were encouraged but the line was drawn at beards and moustaches.

Finally 23 girls had to be chosen to go for the preliminaries. It was easy to eliminate some of the girls. The one who chewed gum incessantly with mouth open and was cultivating a hairline moustache was the first to go. The one with biceps bigger than most men’s thighs pulled out and was heard to be attempting to sign up for Mr. Kenya. The one with the habit of talking to herself and laughing very hard at her own jokes was also found to be wanting. The one who cracked her knuckles with the sound of a pistol, despite her fetching appearance had to be shown the door after she also developed the habit of cracking her neck too.

But finally 23 girls were selected to head for the preliminaries.