~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
"Herc! Look! It's.... Ares and he wants to kill me!" Hercules spun around looking for the threatening half brother that he hated. When he turned back around with a confused look on his face he was surprised to see that the monster was dead and Iolaus was now standing on one of the heads kissing Kelli hungrily. Suddenly Hercules had this horrible headache. He grabbed his head.
"Oh.... Ow.... hey... I was obsessed with keeping you safe wasn't I?" He asked. Xena and Gabrielle nodded. Joxer was still trying to kill the dead monster.
"But Iolaus is obsessed with her." Gabrielle said pointing to Kelli and Iolaus kissing on the monsters head.
"So what's the cure for that?" Xena asked.
"I think we have to let Iolaus know that we all love him and we have to pay more attention to him." Hercules said. So everybody climbed on top of the monster and grabbed Iolaus in a group hug. They all said stuff like
'Iolaus you are wonderful..." and "Iolaus you are so cool."
"Ow... I got one huge headache." Iolaus muttered.
"So are you done being obsessed with Kelli then?" Gabrielle asked impatiently. Iolaus looked horrified.
"Never. I love her." He said. Hercules shrugged.
"I guess he really does love her and the spell just enhanced it a little bit. Sorry Gab." Hercules said. Iolaus nodded to everyone and then he looked into Kelli's eyes.
"Kelli. I would like to ask you this in front of my friends so they will be witnesses. I would like to ask for your hand in marriage." He said sincerely. Kelli felt tears of joy build up in her eyes and she nodded.
"Yes... yes of course I'll marry you Iolaus." She said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"EXSQUEEEEZE ME!" came a sharp cry from the ether above, as the Goddess Aphrodite manifested herself once again.
"I'm the one who started this curse/obsession thing, but I can't even keep up with it now!" She pouted momentarily, then realized it was not overly becoming, so returned to the insouciant little smirk she normally sported.
"Now let me get this straight! Herc is obsessed with protecting Iolaus, but let him fight this two-headed beast all by his lonesome. Herc, dude," she nodded disapprovingly, "you bailed on him!"
"Ah, ah...." Hercules stammered, but to no avail. Accordingly, he kept a close eye on Autolycus, who was eyeing everyone shiftily; at least he could keep order until this mess was all sorted out.
Aphrodite continued. "Now you - warrior babe - you were obsessed with eating!"
"I lost my appetite," Xena snarled back, looking at the heterosexual love fest going on between Iolaus, his twin, the nubile Kelli, and still-vain Gabrielle.
"Yeah....me too," said a dejected Joxer.
"NO WAY! I'm the dominatrix of love here, guys, and I smell something fishy!" exclaimed Aphrodite.
"....well, you remember when you lost your powers...." Joxer started to suggest.
"Don't EVEN go there, helmethead!" Aphrodite snapped back.
"Miolaus, huh? Yeah, and monkey's MIGHT fly out of my negligee! Let's see who's really under that mask!" And with that, advancing on Iolaus's "twin," she ripped the mask from his head to reveal none other than her half-brother and sometime paramour Ares. "Wondered where you'd got off to, bro'," she snickered.
"Yeah, and I'd have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for those durn kids," Ares growled, "and their dog!" And he dropped Kelli as he once again disappeared.
"OK - let's get one thing straight," Aphrodite continued. "I'm the one Goddess from the works here - accept no substitutes! Hey Blondie!"
"Yes?" Gabrielle and Iolaus answered in unison.
"The LESS annoying one," replied Aphrodite. "You - Iolaus. Golden apple boy. You're supposed to be with Kelli. YOU - Scroll girl - you're in love with Joxer, remember?"
"But...but....how did you know? I've never admitted that to...to...to anyone!" Gabrielle stammered.
"Duh - Goddess of Love," said Aphrodite. "OK, now who have I left out?" Looking around, she saw Xena standing with a look of disgust on her face, and Hercules, riding herd on Autolycus.
"OK, this was, like, really tubular, but don't count on me to straighten out your twisted chaotic little plot devices again! All spells are off! Later, dudes - bitchin' wind-surfing at Naxos, then Hermes has a wrestling match he wants me to see."
And with a ******POOF**** she disappered from sight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
"Well, I guess this love fest is over," Xena observed.
"I'm not so sure about that Xena," Hercules said with a twinkle in his eye. And with that he pointed toward the two obviously-still-in-love couples - Iolaus who was being..ah..smothered by Kelli, if you know what I'm saying here, and Joxer and Gabrielle, who hadn't had this much fun since Bliss stole his daddy's arrows.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute here!" Autolycus interrupted. "Are we going to have a real adventure, or what?"
When all of a sudden, ......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The two headed (one male, one female) monster, the ettin, came in from the forest, apparently not having been beaten by Iolaus or Joxer.
Male Head (Karl): Duhhh... I wanna eat.
Female Head (Maxine): Is that all you think about, Karl? Gaining so much weight will make me feel bad about myself...sharing this smelly body with you is bad enough!
Karl: I wanna eat...I wanna eat now! Humans! Yummy!
Maxine: Oh, all right.
Autolycus: Uh...I'll take back that wanting adventure thing...
Autolycus begins to run away and he is picked up by the ettin. The female head examines him as the Male head suspends him over his open mouth.
Maxine: Wait,Karl! You know what eating clothes does to us!
With the other hand, the monster begins to strip Autolycus of his clothes.
Xena and Hercules look up at that titan, wondering what to do... Joxer tells Gabrielle that it isn't safe her, and tells her to run to the forest, but she refuses, so they both get ready to fight the monster too.
Kelli: Iolaus! I'm scared! Let's go somewhere safe!
Hercules looks over at Iolaus and Kelli and nods.
Hercules: Yeah, you take her somewhere safe... Make sure she's okay...
Iolaus: Good luck, Herc...Xena...Gabreielle!
Joxer: Uh, what about me?
Iolaus: Good luck to you too, Joxstrap...
Iolaus runs away from the monster along with Kelli towards the cave where theother villagers sought protection.
Joxer draws his sword and runs at the ettin, sword raised.
Hercules hands Xena her chakram and Gabrielle takes out her staff. They get ready to fight...
Autolycus, in the monster's hand, almost completely naked: Will you guys hurry up?!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
With a sharp "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!" Xena somersaulted over the brave but foolish Joxer, landing squarely in front of the advancing ettin. With a mighty flick of her supple wrist, Xena sent her legendary chakram spinning through the air, severing two of the ettin's fingers, causing him/her/them to drop Autolycus.
"Oh! My sacroiliac!" Autloycus groaned as he hit ground, bounced, hit ground again.
"NOW!" Xena cried, as Hercules heaved a mighty boulder into the forehead of the ettin.
*****SMACKK!!!!!!*********
Down the giant came crashing, landing with a mighty thud just where Gabrielle and Joxer had been standing.
"The bigger they come...." observed Gabrielle.
"Wait!" shouted Hercules. "Another damsel in distress! Don't you hear that screaming? That moaning?"
"Ah, Herc...." Autolycus said, gathering a few fig leaves for cover. "You notice where that screaming and moaning is coming from?" And all eyes (and ears) turned to the section of the forest where Ioalus and Kelli had most recently sought refuge.
"All-righty then!" said Gabrielle, blushing. "Guess that pretty much takes THEM out of this plotline."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Back in the village Hercules, Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer sat at a tavern talking about what happened in just one day. Then they all turned to see Iolaus and Kelli walk in the door. Iolaus' arm was wrapped around Kelli's waist. They were both grinning.
"Iolaus.... a cave? Please...." Hercules said. Iolaus blushed.
"Sorry...."
"Oh.... well I guess that the obsession thing didn't really effect you much huh? You really do love her don't you?" Xena asked. Iolaus nodded.
"Yes I do. We are going to get married also." Iolaus said.
Hercules response was not what they were expecting......
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
....not what they were expecting at all, given that his head spun around a full 360 degrees not once, not twice, but three times, following which his eyes bugged out, and his lips uttered a bizarre "Wobbida-wobbida-wobbida" sound.
"Whoa - head rush!" said Hercules, when he came to his senses, and then added "But Iolaus - you're...ah...like...41? And Kelli is...ah....14? Do we have a small problem here?"
"Not at all, Herc," replied his diminutive but stalwart friend. "All my life, I've been attracted to the wrong sort of woman - you know - Aphrodite, Medea, Dirce, Xena....no offense, now Xena," he added quickly as Xena's hand went to her chakram with a WHOOSH! but then subsided and came to a rest at her side.
"But you know what I mean," Iolaus continued. "I've been a low-life, a rogue, and at last I've found something pure, someone worthwhile - someone that I can truly say I was the first."
"Sorry to disappoint you," came a familar voice from the skylight above.
"Autolycus?" everyone gasped with surprise.
"And believe me, Iolaus, this isn't the only thing that I've stolen long before you ever came along! That's why they call me....." and with this he brushed and twirled his mustache, "...the KING of Thieves!"
Suddenly a grappling hook and rope appeared as if from nowhere, and with a bizarre yodel, the man who had evidently successfully taken EVERYTHING was gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Kelli....how could you?" Iolaus asked in astonishment.
As Kelli began to burst into tears.
"what? well i didn't know" Kelli said with a playful smile
"didn't know what? That you were a whore?" Gabrielle said harshly
"GABRIELLE!" Xena yelled
"What ok i'm sorry i didn't mean it that way"
"no i just menat whore's get paid..and well she didn't. Did you?" Xena questioned Kelli
"Well...he did give me this ring..uh does that count?" she says cooly
"Oh i love that ring!" Gabrielle says excitedly
"i know its beautiful isn't it??" Kelli agrees
"ok now when did we get onto jewelry here?" Iolaus asks
"i'm sorry..i..i..the ring!! i wanted the ring..and well" kelli stutters
And with that Iolaus....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"But...but....how could you be so mercenary?" Iolaus stammered.
"Easy!" came a sharp pronouncement from the tavern's doorway. "Because she's not the real Kelli!"
All eyes turned to the doorway, in which stood the until-now-presumed-dead warlord girl, who pulled Jett's dagger from her.
"But...but...you're dead! I saw you stabbed through the heart!" said the living Kelli.
"I got better," the mail- and fur-clad young barbarian chick said. "You, on the other hand, will only get worse! YOU are the real warlord girl here - you stole my soul while I was asleep, put it here in this body, then took MY body to work your nefarious plans on little Iolaus there! Then, you hired Jett to do his thing and assassinate me, so that you could have my body AND my boyfriend! You even made a pact with Ares, to confuse the issue with fake Iolaus's and two headed monsters! No, Heidi, YOU are the two-faced monster here!"
And with that she advanced on her former best friend, (not surprisingly) with a sword in her hand.
"EEEEEE-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" the fake Kelli let rip with a Callisto-style shriek, hurtling through the air to attack the real Kelli, trapped in her old warlord body.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Xena, Hercules, Joxer and Gabrielle all looked at each other, and at the by-now-confused Iolaus.
"Xena - shouldn't we do something" asked Gabrielle.
"Nah, let 'em fight it out. Best woman wins Iolaus," Xena replied.
"Gee - do you think they might want to settle this by wrestling? Joxer asked. "I notice there's some good mud nearby...OOOOF!!" His observation was suddenly cut short as Gabrielle's elbow plunged into his stomach.
"OOOOW - just a suggestion."
But now Kelli and Heidi slowly circled each other, each looking for an opening.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
From a cloud high atop the ether, the gods looked down in amusement. Aphrodite and her family (Cupid, Psyche, and little Bliss) had their money on the outraged Kelli, while Ares,Discord and Hermes took the side of Heidi, since she had concocted this whole nefarious scheme.
Meanwhile in a different place (and a different when for that matter) in a place not unlike the southern United States a bloke called Joxerfan was sitting at his computer.
Suddenly (with an effect rather like the one in Tron) a beam of light shoots from his moniter and he finds his body is pixelating. Light fills his eyes and the last thing he remembers is a sound like a hundred men chanting "MMMMoooooobbbbbbbiiiiiuuuuuuusssssss"
What seams like an eternity later the light leaves his eyes and he feels an unfamiliar weight in his hand. It's a Javelin. He looks down and on his body is not his old comfortable suit but a rather fetching set of Peltastoi armour.
Then as if the situation could not get worse it becomes apparent that he is standing between two rather angry (and surprised) young women, one dressed in a chiton the other warrior furs.......
Suddenly transported into ancient, even mythological times came as quite a shock for the Joxer-loving young man, seeing as how he was neither a Yankee nor from Connecticut. But having read countless fantasy novels, he immediately went into survival mode, reverting to thinking and speaking in Greek (which he had thankfully had no use for since college, but which is conveniently translated here for clarity's sake.)
He took stock of the situation. Vengeful teen psycho babes on either side of him, and there he was clad only in....Peltastoi armor? He naturally assumed it to be impervious, whatever it was. He looked down at his hand - a Javelin. Why a javelin? His family had always driven Ramblers, then Hornets, but never that mid-70's ersatz sports car. He tossed it aside.
"Wait - cease and desist!" he cried in his most conciliatory tone. The battling nymphets halted in mid-strike, still obviously surprised by this sudden manifestation. "Can't...ah...ah....can't we all just get along?" (Eloquence on the spur of the moment was never this Southerner's strong suit. Actually, khaki was his strong suit, but it was at the cleaners.)
Dumbfounded, Kelli and Heidi stammered "Are...are you an immortal?" "YES I AM!" he replied, wishing for a Bud Light. "Now, ah...go and sin no more!"
The bombardment started. "But she stole my boyfriend!" "But she stole my BODY!" "Well, you wouldn't know what to do with it anyway!" "Oh yeah, well that's not what Keith said!" and on and on and on until he could take no more. "Enough, I say! This is getting far too silly. Iolaus - which of these two women do you want?"
Thinking quickly, Iolaus made a decision worthy of Solomon: "I'll take 'em both!" Which seemed ageeable to both young boppers, since either way, both of their bodies ended up with Iolaus, who seemed just the man for the job.
Xena, on the other hand, was not mollified. "Who are you, anyway, drawling non-native Greek-speaker?"
"Well, that's kind of complicated. I seem to have fallen through a distortion in the space-time continuum, and have ended up in a highly localized temporal anomaly approximating the era of my favorite heroes."
"HUH?" Iolaus asked.
"Well," the outlander replied, "remember that thing you did when you saved Alcmene from Callisto?" "Sure," replied Iolaus, "just like that deal with the Sovereign." "Yeah" added Joxer, "I was a hero in that one!" "That was an ALTERNATE reality, Joxer," said Gabrielle as she jabbed him in the ribs. "And Xena," the young man continued, "remember when you saw what life would have been like if you'd stayed peaceful?"
"Yeah, so what's your point?" she snarled in her usual dark tone.
Hercules broke in "Don't you see, Xena? He's from an alternate reality, one where he obviously knows all about us."
"Precisely," the Southerner said. "But I'm happy to stay here. If only....." and his eyes gazed wistfully over all the coupled-up couples.
At that moment, a shrill "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!" rent the air, as another tall, buxom, dark equestrienne came galloping thrpough the sward.
"Who's she?" said Xena, with a jerk.
"I don't know - she's kinda cute," replied the jerk.
"Quiet, creep! You're with me now!" Gabrielle interjected, giving his nose an extra-hard tweek.
"Why I'm a Lover of Horses," the extraordinarily beautiful young horsewoman said.
"Really?" asked the Southerner. "So your name is Amantequa?" (Our newest hero had mixed up his classical languages temporarily.)
"Close enough," the dusky temptress replied. "And you look just like what I've been looking for. If only.... if only....you were just a little more like my hero Joxer....." she added longingly, for she would never have wanted to come between Joxer and his Gabrielle.
"Let me explain," the Southerner started, and moved towards her, tripping over his own feet in the process and landing face down in the white-flower-bedecked field.
"You'll do nicely!" the statuesque Xena-look-alike exclaimed with glee! And with that, she swept him onto her Friesian horse. "Do you know Salmoneus, by any chance?" he asked as she expertly executed a fine bit of dressage. "Because I've got a few bets on the upcoming Olympic Games I want to place, as well as just a few items I'd like to market..." he went on to explain, all the while executing a little frottage himself. And together they galloped off into history.
"Well, that seems to tie up all the loose ends," Hercules sighed to Xena.
"I wouldn't count on it," she countered...........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Just then Heidi popped out with Ares by her side...
"Xena it is time for you to join my Army of Warriors!" Ares bellowed, "I already have Heidi(WarLord Girl), Keith the Sticker God,
Ceaser, and Callisto (Hudson)."
Knowing that it is a trick, "No Kelli don't do it!!!" Iolaus screamed like a girl.
"Ohhhhhhhh Sticker out-line.... must have!!!" Kelli cried as she came running over to where Keith was and when she got there Heidi
stabbed her in the back with her sword.
"You are so weak...you always have been!" Heidi cried out in happiness!
Kelli's last words were...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Iolaus rushed to Kelli and cradled her weak body against hid chest. Kelli's dying words
were...
"Don't be sad Iolaus. I had the best time of my life with you..." Then she breathed her last
breath in Iolaus arms and she closed her eyes and stopped moving.
Iolaus gasped and was unaware of the tears falling down his face. He didn't notice
Hercules hand on his shoulder. He didn't notice anything except him and Kelli's body. He
didn't notice when Keith, Heidi, and their gang left. He didn't notice when Hercules went
outside...
"Zeus!!!!!" Hercules yelled once he was far enough. He yelled for his father three more
times before the old god showed up.
"What do you want?" Zeus asked in a gruff voice.
"Who in Tartarus is Keith?! I've never heard of him! He can't kill Kelli. It brings my
friend to much grief. He's worse now than he was when his wife died." Hercules said.
"Keith? The sticker god? I haven't seen him in decades.... I thought that he just became a hermit permanetely. Like Yoda or Obi Wan
Kenobi..." Zeus muttered. Hercules looked confused.
"Yoda? Obi Wan Kenobi?" He asked.
"OH... you wouldn't know. In the future there will be this trilogy film called Star Wars and.... nevermind. You wouldn't get it." Zeus
waved it off.
"Well... can you do something for Iolaus and Kelli? They just met and are so much in love and now she's dead and they'll never be
married and... I just don't think Iolaus can handle losing her. And I doubt she'll be happy in the Eleysion Fields... that is where she is
right?" Hercules made sure. Zeus nodded.
"Yes... that's where she is. She just got there. Seems she talked so much that Charon actually made it across the river in record time just
to get away from her." Zeus said.
"Well... she can be annoying I guess...." Hercules admitted.
"Well... I'm not sure there is anything I can do for Kelli. I'll have to ask Hera... she's so in charge of me." Zeus said.
"Hera... but I through her into Tartarus... remember?" Hercules said.
"OH yeah!! I can do what I want now! I totally forgot! I'm the king of the gods!" Zeus yelled. Then he started dancing.
"This is soooo not fair! I'm joining Keith now!" Then he disappeared. Hercules ran back to where Iolaus was still cradling Kelli.
Hercules rolled his eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Suddenly Kelli took a deep breath and then let out a whimper of pain. Iolaus' eyes widened.
"Kelli! Your alive!" He said loudly and began to laugh.
"Yeah... I am... but the stab wound in my back kind of hurts." Kelli winced as Iolaus gently lifed her up to check it out.
"Oh yeah... there is quite a bit of blood but I can't see the wound through cloth." He commented. Kelli nodded. Then Iolaus picked her
up and carried her to a back room and sat her on a bed that he found. Then he slowly lifted the back of her shirt up and found the big
cut. He waved out to Xena and asked her to fix up Kelli and bandage her up. Xena nodded.
After Kelli had bandages over the wound Xena gave her something to drink. She didn't tell Kelli that she put sleeping powder in the
drink and Kelli quickly fell asleep. Iolaus watched over her carefully, too afraid to leave her side for fear that something bad would once
again happen to his beloved.
"Iolaus... I think you might want to leave for a minute." Xena said. Iolaus shook his head.
"No." He said.
"Iolaus. I put the powder in her drink for a reason. So that she wouldn't feel the pain when I do this. I want to prevent infection in that
wound." Xena explained. Iolaus still shook his head.
"I want to be here for her." He said. He held tightly to Kelli's hand as Xena pressed the flat of a red hot sword to the wound on Kelli's
back. Kelli, though unconsious, still let out a sound to make it known she could feel the pain.
"Trust me... it's better. Now we know it won't become infected. She'll be OK." Xena said and left Iolaus to be alone with Kelli.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Back in Keith's temple he was yelling at Heidi.
"You should have stabbed her many times! She's alive!" He yelled.
"But... she was dead." Heidi stammered.
"Was is not good enough. I wanted her to still be dead!" Keith yelled and he had a little temper tantrum. During this he through fire at
furniture and statues. He missed one and accidently killed Heidi.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The air was rent with a GIANt fartlike sound...
& Brucy & the Amythests poofed into existance...
He was Dancing & singing as the 3 naked Amees accompianied him
"Heidi & kelli dancing in the rain.."
"I m a genius .."
"Theyre INSANE.."
Brucy stops suddenly..."Why Am I doing This ...???"He wonders aloud...
I cant dance ...
I cant sing.....
Im NOT very good at Anything.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
so Keith dragged Heidi's body outside and dropped her in the field. But what Keith didn't know was that Heidi was not dead. She was
actually alive because she had eaten ambrosia. She ran away and swore to get revenge on Kelli and on Keith.
THE END
Disclaimer: No Classical-language speaking, slow Southern-drawling fans of Joxer the Mighty were harmed during the creation of this
fanfic installment, but much damage was done to the good reputations of both Callisto (a K) and Warlord Girl.