Blogs: April 2006

Beginning-Life Crisis(04/01/2006)

ADHD Summary:I'm struggling to define my goals in life.

 Because of stupid Arthur Miller's "Death of a Salesman" I've been forced to reexamine my life for meaning in light of the characters apparant lack of meaning in theirs (as analyzed by Sparknotes.com; but I don't blame them because without their sage analysis I probably would've been docked an extra grade point on each and every single one of my essays..) But I'd have to say the main mistake the characters in the play made was defining their success or failure through financial considerations alone. Wealth is unequivically NOT the hallmark of a successful life, even if thats what traditional American values promote above all other considerations. However this realization left me at a crossroads; namely what to define my own success by. Material wealth was out; its too variable and fickle, and has nothing to do with your own personal merits as much as the opportunities you have and are in a position to seize in your lifetime. Furthermore some of the wealthiest people in the world were miserable in a way that would've been impossible had they maintained only average levels of wealth (case in point: almost every single popular 60s and 70s rock band). However, religion is out for me; I lost any presumptions to know which God and set of principles to worship the day I became an agnostic (FYI, the reason: probably because I went to a Christian elementary school. If you are a religious person and wish to keep your children religious, send them to one of the "evil, secular, liberal schools" - at least then they won't have such a bad taste in their mouths from the kinds of people who work at those schools...). Fame was also out, considering that 1. it's probably an impossibility for me and 2. even if it were acheivable, having to disguise yourself just to go buy groceries and be accompanied by a unit of guards to ward off your irrational detractors and tabloid journalists doesn't sound too appealing to me. Philosophy holds some hope yet, but I have yet to find one that can set some sort of standard for success or failure; only universal sweeping statements or personal credos. Living for knowledge sounds nice enough until you realize that no matter how hard you try you can never know everything, and that knowledge does not necessarily equate to happiness. Friendship also sounds good until you realize that a life revolving entirely around one's assotiaions with other people is amazingly high maintnence, and can eventually hollow out any substance your character may have originally had through constant submergance in the viewpoints of others. Living to create the "next big thing" is nigh impossible, and every "next big thing" is destined to be forgotten when the next "next big thing" comes along. Every time I try to grasp a threshhold for success or failure it slips away... just like my ideas for this stupid essay. Ironically enough the search for meaning in my own life is parelleled by my search for the meaning of 12th grade english itself; specifically, why is this a mandated 12th grade class? Most people in their lifetimes will spend very little time analyzing poetry or plays for their deeper meanings, so it seems presumptuous to me to make doing so a mandatory part of a high school education. In the end, everyone must define their own meaning for their lives, whether that means committing themselves to their business, their personal lives, or their internal meditations, all of which have advantages and drawbacks. I hope that when I get to college things play themselves out so I can find mine; because not finding a purpose to pursue in one's life may be considered the greatest failure of all.

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