1975 I am living in New Orleans and I send my aunt who is living in

Chicago to one of the rare events of the Arcane School (Alice Bailey

books) held in Chicago. There she meets someone who later introduces

both of us to the path.

1979: Because the Bailey books talk about masters of the sound and says

that they are the highest masters and also because meditation is

recommended as a 'Way' I believe that I have found Camino Real. I join

without hesitation as do two of my aunts. I found the books lacking

compared to the depth of the Bailey books but I overlook it. They say

that one does not need knowledge of Kundalini Yoga or Raja Yoga in order

to make progress. One only has to begin at the eye center and go up from

there. They tell us not to expect any progress because we have left all

that behind when beginning at the eye center. I do not question this

basic dogma, nor a need to submit to the Master.

In the meantime I return to Chicago from New Orleans and begin attending

meetings with what we think are humble, sincere and almost friendly

Satsangis (SSs).

I recall asking for a revelation about my next step. I have already

been meditating and a vegetarian at the time I am approached for Sant Mat

(SM) and have had many interior experiences with my own inner guru. So I

am very anxious to make progress with a real guru. Some months before I

am initiated I experience the vital airs pulling me up into the most

powerful inner experience I have ever had. I go inside somewhere and

the voice tells me how many millions of miles my soul has now traveled.

Then I see the blue vault of the heavens and go through sun and star and

arrive at a vision of a huge face in the sky. I am thinking I have never

seen or experienced anything like this. Nor have I ever read of

anything like this. It was only some month after being initiated found

out about the 'Radiant Form' of the master. I was ecstatic when I put

the two together and had my final proof. The only thing is that this was

to be the last real inner experience I have for the next 22 years.

Don't get me wrong my intuition is developing and other revelations are

made plain. However, we are told that we are never to discuss the inner

side because it would take away from our spiritual wealth. It is also a

way to control others and keep them from comparing notes about not making

any progress.

1980 I figure this must be the camino real so I become a member, and two

of my aunts also join that same year. I start meditating now for 2-3

hours and give up eggs, I am already a vegetarian 10 years except for

eggs.

1980's I return to my life as usual, go to Satsang every Sunday, raise my

two kids and start meditating, try celibacy but could not find the mark

on this one and didn't try after a while. Otherwise I keep the vows. It

took a while but I finally became celibate. And again after years of

celibacy, meditation, vegetarianism I was expecting to make spiritual

progress. At this time I do not suppress my feelings. And years later

discover that suppression is more harmful spiritually than honest sin.

There is scandal at Chicago Sangat with Ishwar Puri and Johnny Price.

Price already has a successful business that is called the "Vegetarian

Health Society." He has lots of money and has a fleet of limos and

drives an Excalibar with the license plate "Gurumukh!" The materialism

is out there. But again I don't follow them. It turns out that he and

Ishwar are going on a prophecy made by Great Master that the path would

be real big in America. Johnny whom Charan calls "The Prince" wants to

begin their own group based on some form of yoga, Kundalini I think, and

invite SSs to their meetings. I did attend one of their meetings and

bought his book, which I have since lost. I think to myself these guys

are colorful and were at least interesting. Then Price throws an

elaborate birthday party for Ishwar at a big downtown hotel and we are

driven around in one of his limos. He gives Ishwar a new Cadillac for

his birthday. At some point I am sure that Charan gets wind of all this

and immediately sends out a letter with the advent of what was to become

a steady stream of manmade rules. This is immediately squelched by the

Dera. One day I am driving to school and hear on the radio that Price,

probably someone turned him in, is indicted for stealing from his own

company and violating some federal law about his claims and gets prison

time. By this time they are no longer coming to Satsang because I heard

this years after the scandal.

In the meantime, I give Satsang occasionally but I rarely use the books.

Instead I use either the Bible, the Nag Hammadi library or books by

Blavatsky. My Satsangs are always well received and it is one of the few

times I feel a part of this group. Because I find SSs getting colder

towards me and each other but I don't see the handwriting on the wall.

Little did I know that in only a few years no one but a select few would

be able to give Satsangs by edict of Gurinder.

1989 I make a vow that if the Dera ever opens back up I would go no

matter what. The Afghan and Russian War ends and the Berlin wall falls

and I hear that Dera is now open. I now believe that Dera's closing was

in some ways tied to this war, because it opened immediately after that

war ended. But at the time I did make any connection. But with no job

and no money and in graduate school I take my only $1200.00 and buy a

ticket to India.

The Christmas and New Year of 1989-90: I was at the Dera when Chouchescou

and his wife are overthrown and killed. I see Charan for the first time,

he reminds me of my old boss. I thought that was a strange first

thought. But otherwise am impressed because he meets us for the first

and only time of that visit at the Satsangar and it is impressive. On my

second day there I do not know where to go. I am dressed like one of the

Indian ladies. I see a man walking and I go up to him and ask if I can

follow along with him. He speaks French. So we started speaking in

French. Mine is rather limited but enough to conversant. This is an

omen because only the French and Spanish (from Spain) people talk to me,

even though the Spanish people speak no English and I don't know a word

of Spanish.

When I get to the Satsangar and leave my shoes and try to go to the

Western side the Indian ladies stop me and tell me to get to the Indian

side. I ignore them and keep walking. They stop me again and tell me I

am in the wrong place. So I speak to them in French and tell them I am

an American. Then I say it in English. I am allowed to sit with the

Westerners but every time I am seated in morning Satsang they come over

to me and tell me to move. And every time I have to tell them I am not

Indian. Once an American did have to vouch for me in order for me to get

into the women's shed. For some reason this did not bother nor surprise

me. But other than that I am amazed that while at the Dera the

Americans do not speak to me at all. But I make fast friends with the

European Satsangis. It turns out that Gurinder is from this same group

which Mr. Balani brought from Spain. They take me in as their long lost

sister and we have a great time at Dera together, even though they do not

speak English. I also befriend a woman ( with same birthday) from

England, whom I later visit in England at the same time I visit France

and my other Satsangi friend. The English woman turns out to be the

devil in the blue dress, and I thought she was going to kill me in

England.

Westerners from the Dera visit Indians who live at the Dera and later we

are told not to do that. One day Charan comes to the guest house and

passes by me within a foot. I look him right in the eye and have a very

mundane thought about him: "You're getting old, I didn't expect you to be

so old looking." He kept walking, by June we have news that he has left

the body.

During the meetings Westerners must have an omen about Charan's demise

because they keep asking him who will succeed him. Then there is a

discussion about the coat he is wearing. A beautiful coat that Great

Master has been seen in. He says my son will never wear this coat. So

he is telling us he is thinking about going and already knows that one of

his sons will not succeed him. I also remember him talking about the

different types of masters. One he says are the type who inherit their

mastership and the other type are the ones who earn the right to be a

master. That now suggests to me that this is a family business for them.

On the train ride back to Delhi I cry all the way, thinking I would never

see Charan again.

1990: I visit France that summer and while there I get this vision of

Charan's funeral. I see them lift up the bier that he is on and I am

above the crowd so I see his face very clearly, then they cremate his

remains. Years later I read that this is exactly as it happened they

held up the body at an angle so that the crowd can take one last good

look. It is ironic in reflection, because ten years earlier I see what I

think is his Radiant Form and ten years later have a vision of him being

cremated. With nothing from him in between. That should have been a

clue especially when a Leo is appointed his successor. I read about the

transfer of the gaddi. I am leery because Leo's are very controlling and

I quickly realize that he is going to pull in the reins on the wild

Satsangis. But what ends up happening is that when it is not based on

God's law and spiritual love then manmade rules have to be made in

abundance to keep control. This is exactly what the Dera is doing now.

1990 I return home and finish graduate school among the atheist

anthropologists.

1991 I return to live in Chicago again. But in the meantime saw Gurinder

in Chicago, again in Kitchner, in 1993 decide to return to Dera. I am

not impressed with anything he says in Chicago. In fact I think he is

one dimensional and does not know what he is doing. One rule is

upsetting. I don't know when it began but he said that only the RS books

were to be used and Satsang about the master allowed. That bothered the

hell out of me. Because only a few people could now give Satsang. And

suddenly it became extremely boring and lifeless. But I let it go.

What's more People were not encouraged to talk to each other either

before or after. Later we were asked specifically not to speak to each

other before Satsang. And that has been ongoing, reason given: to build

the atmosphere before SS and not talk to anyone and not to stand around

talking afterward. that bothers me too. But as a solitary person I decide

it might be a good way of staying out of trouble.

I try to become involved in the library seva of putting books into the

library but have a big row with some Indian SS, over the phone trying to

tell me what to do. It suddenly dawns on me that Indians are very pushy.

I never realized this before about them. So I decided to stand up for

myself and I tell her where to go and get in trouble with the SS in

charge of this seva so I drop the seva.

1993 last visit to Dera. No one talks to me for a month. I can't

believe it. i cried almost every day that i was there, got very sick in

the Paris airport. Since I am unable to make friends I take the tour

around the eye camp and the hospital. I met a SS from New Zealand, who

feels like an outsider like me, because he is Samoan and Irish. But I

talk to no one other than this one contact; thus I am able to observe

everybody. I start to observe that the Europeans who are here are not

the same ones who were there when I came before. I notice lesbians who

are dressed in men's suits and walking hand in hand with their

girlfriends. I think they are from Spain, but not sure. Of course there

are gay men there too and I went back on the train to Delhi with one from

Australia or somewhere and he tells me he is not a practicing gay. I

don't question him. But back to Dera. While at Dera I shop and have

clothes made and visit with the Indian locals at Dera. They don't speak

English, of course, but at least they seem to like me and we talk in a

sort of pidgin. Later we are told not to visit the Indians at Dera or to

talk to them. One couple got in trouble for having fun. They went off

on a motorcycle on an adventure and another couple unmarried got caught

in the rooms or something like that. We are all admonished about our

behavior at the evening meetings and I am getting sick and tired of all

the rules and lack of love and simple brotherhood from so called advanced

people.

At the evening meeting I remember one question in particular asked about

the difference between a perfect master and a yogi. Gurinder said that a

perfect master would not be tempted to sin whereas a yogi would be. Then

he put his finger in the air and says "Ye are gods!" Wonder how he

thought that one up.

1993: After a month I leave Dera and vow never to return. I was bored

out of my mind. I get stranded at the airport because I changed my

ticket in Paris and a Mr. Kal (real name) has to get me on Luftansa

because I tell them I refuse to spend another minute in India and would

not take another scary death defying taxi trip back to Pusa road.

1994: I remain in the Chicago sangat for next 5 years. By this time I am

beginning to make friends with a few SSs. For the first time I make a

friend with a SS and we later drive to Kitchner (1992) to see Gurinder.

We move to different cities, a few young SSs die and I move to Texas in

1995. But before I move there I go to Austin to see Gurinder. I was not

happy with that visit. I got sick in the Texas heat the and sevadars

were acting like police and telling us to shut up and sit down. We

ignored them and told them we were there to have a good time and they

could shove their directions.

1995: I move to Texase at the end of 1995. I go to the meeting here in

the metroplex and one of the older SS is very sweet and friendly and

probably brought up as a Christian. They seem to be a little more homey

than the Chicago group because they have dinners at the big holidays at

least at one person's home for misplaced persons like myself who have no

immediate relatives in the area. I go to these gatherings and to Satsang

but still there is no feeling of a real family in the body of Christ or

any real love.

1997 go to Palm Springs to see Gurinder and fall in love with another SS.

I don't remember being impressed with Gurinder still, but I love Palm

Springs and the person I am with.

1997 this recently separated and recently initiated Satsangi by

Gurinder, and I create a small scandal without trying but no one says

anything to us directly. We break up and my little world falls apart and

I pray and mediate and do simran but no master ever came to my assist

even when I felt suicidal. I tried to confide in one Satsangi and he

knew I was in extreme pain but his only advice to me was to keep doing

simran. He would not talk to me or listen to me. I try to do more

simran and meditation and realize now that I was actually getting closer

to suicide the more I did simran. I mean I was standing in my kitchen

thinking of how I could do it. But nothing in Sant Mat or Satsangis in

Texas came to my rescue. I got through it by talking to Christians, my

son, my aunt (long distance) and a preacher. No satsangi ever reached

out to me even though I was desperately depressed and would go months

without attending meetings, out of depression and too many memories

associated with sangat, unusual for me. Finally at a brotherhood

weekend later in Austin I meet a few SSs, who do not live in the

metroplex, and we become friends. They to their credit have really

helped to keep me sane. But my faith in satsang is shaken badly. I go

for months and almost a year without attending the meetings. I join the

Unity Church near my house. But it is not what I am looking for and now

I know that the minister was once in a cult and they worship Satan or

Kali! So I have not gone back after only a few months. But I don't make

the connection that Gurinder is himself a master of delusion. A couple

of times I notice how the word Sant Mat when scrambled spell Satan,

because I am dyslexic sometimes. I shrug this off as a coincidence, but

file it away.

2000: One day my son says to me that if I am in a place seeking God or

religion or whatever and do not make friends at that place then I am

probably in the wrong place. It is a place devoid of love. He did not

say anything dogmatic to me or profound but considering that we have been

told that master is our friend our only friend I wonder if everyone

thinks that takes the onus off them to be open and not stuck up and

superior or show love. But again it is not Kal's power, he merely uses

our human nature to his advantage. We don't love God or man unless we

are taught. These masters are constantly telling us about the mind and

the how we are under its control. They got that one right.

I have had people tell me that they have gone to SS on either coasts and

as much as a year where no one spoke to them! Anyway my son's words

struck me because in 22 years I had never confided in him about any of my

doubts about SS or the like and certainly not about the lack of love in

general I and others have experienced.

2000-01 my ex boyfriend unknown to me becomes an ex SS and goes away to

find himself and confides in me that he has gone back to eating meat. I

am shocked to the point that I will not even mention to anyone that he

eats meat, and don't even want to talk to him. My faith is again shaken

; even though I told him earlier that I was considering leaving and

finding or starting my own group. At that time he begged me not to leave

the sangat.

2001 I go to satsang in late August and a letter from Dera is read and in

it Gurinder is mentioning that there are web sites about this path and

that we should check them out and decide for ourselves if we are on the

right path. They have always told us that it was a difficult path, but I

don't think anything about it at the time. At this time or later an

Indian SS gives an entire satsang about how we should be doing a

monetary tithe to the sangat! He uses the books to back it up. But I

don't question it. I do notice that the box now has a sign in front of

it about who to write check out to, and lots of people are shoving money,

including me, into the box. However, I have been giving $100 checks at a

time without blinking, so I don't make the connection that we are not

supposed to be a religion and that all donations are unsolicited. About

a week or so earlier or later I hear that he has asked that the pictures

of the masters not be used during the meeting. This along with a few

years earlier he asks not be to called Maharaji but Babaji or Master.

The medieval teachers are called Master, so there is no real spiritual

connotation to it despite what people think. He also says that he is

just a seeker that we are all seekers. Before we are told that we are

being led by perfect living masters who are not even tempted, now he is

saying that he is too a seeker! He got that one right too.

September 200: I am still getting up to meditate. But I get up at 3 am

and instead of meditating I go to David Lane's web site and read a few of

the essays. I am in complete denial about what I read. I want to write

him back and tell him he is wrong. That he is judging God and how can we

judge God? Well I never write that letter. But I drop it and continue

going to meetings.

2001 November, again I talk to my son and I realize that in the past and

once again am having thoughts that I am in a cult that may be connected

to Kal somehow and it is beginning to bother my conscience. My son tells

me that today is the day to come to God, the Father of the Bible that is.

So I calmly tell him he's right, simple as that. I am checking out that

option at this time.

Whatever the reasons many have found their way to this path one thing is

for certain a particular group of people have been brought together in

this only way to work out karmas that would never have been worked out.

I also believe that an advanced group of individuals with karmas tied to

groups and religions and organizations in which they were a part of

bringing to the world. And for better or worse too must reap karma along

the lines of group life. I know there is no way that any other normal

life would yield us meeting the people we have met in the circumstances

and diverse countries. I am stating my journey as a testimonial. But

this does not make the impersonation of god any more palatable.

I recently read that Jesus had no real beauty of face or body, he was

plain unimposing in the physical and he even described others as calling

him a drunkard and a glutton, compared to John the Baptist. I cry when

I think our eyes have not been watching god, but some well, very well

scripted play with lifelike still figures, very still figures. I have no

regrets except that I stayed too long at the movie and didn't question

the projectionist. What does this all mean?

Alpha Dog