Dear Madam Zelda...... Me and my mates have a massive fear of flying. Whenever we travel to England, we end up with deep vein thrombosis, which makes us grow beards and make our hair white. The altitude dehydrates us and makes us sick, no matter how much we drink. In fact, the more we drink, the more we spew. Plus planes are so boring. The last time we flew we organised a game of footy in the plane, and upset the passengers in economy when we tried to pack a scrum on halfway! We are also worried by the terrorist attacks in the US, and don’t want to be on the plane if it crashes, as the media would just blame us again. Personally, I don’t want to go, since that pesky little runt will probably steal my jumper again., and I’ll have to play hooker again. What should we do? Signed, perplexed, Broadmeadow NSW...................................... Dear Perplexed. For gods sake, don’t be such a baby. No terrorists would get on the plane with you lot, as they would probably be hailed for doing the world a favour. They wouldn’t fit, anyway, as your egos wouldn’t leave enough room for their turbans. Maybe playing for your country isn’t enough incentive for you. But surely being locked in a room for 22 hours with free booze being served by attractive young ladies makes it worth it? On second thoughts, you stay here, and I’LL GO INSTEAD! Oh, and don’t be surprised if your new uniform for next season includes a blouse! Click here for more Madam Zelda