At Last! Rugby League's very own Gypsy Fortune Teller! Direct from a caravan in the darkest parts of Transylvania, Madam Zelda brings her remarkable ancestral skills to predict the future. An expert at astrology, numerology, tarot cards, crystal ball gazing and tea leaf reading, she will unlock the future of your destiny. Madam Zelda sees all!
Click
here to see Madam Zelda's predictions for the 2001 NRL season!
| Dear Madam Zelda I run a really big sports organisation and we're in a spot of bother right now.You see,about a month ago there were these really strange people from the east,and they decided to piss off some Texas mummies boy,and now he's got all his cronies together and they're throwing nukes at the people who told the numbnuts to do those attacks,and now we've cancelled our tour to Britain.Problem is,a whole heap of people hate us for it.What do we do?
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Dear Worried, I see plenty of love in your predicament.I think you did the right thing.Mind you,that's not much consolation when the population of Britain have the combined IQ of Gorden Tallis.If there are players who want to go to Britain and play,you should send them.Arm them with mobile phones and make sure when they board they ring their loved ones and tell them they're going to die.Then see if they like the call they made!!!! |
| Dear Madam Zelda I am in a bit of bother right now.Last year I was playing for a club which was always cheating and drugged up and really rich.This year,the club I played for made me kick my heroin habit and as a result my form dropped so badly that some winger was rated a better halfback than me!!As well,they are now broke so I cant pay off my purchase of Ireland and i'm struggling to meet repayments on my $150 billion mansion which takes up the entire East Coast border.What should I do?
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Dear Worried, I see lots of planes in your predicament.Your old employers signed a player from your old club for a peanut and is now worth more than you.I suggest you start thinking about your priorities.Ansett is dead and you might not like the idea of flying with a company that has a kangaroo in its logo after you were brushed by a team with the same logo.I say you play in England.There's plenty of overrated,washed up nobody Aussies over there!Especially at Warrington! |
| Dear Madam Zelda I have hit a problem.Earlier in the year it was discovered that I had an IQ the equivalent to that of my own bra size,then I decided to cut my knee open and fill it with crap.Now i'm in hospital and I might not play next weekend,and I really want to.What should I do?
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Dear Depressed Just calm down for a minute.Now,think back to why you injected your knee with crap.If you only did it because it kept on coming out of the mouth of your defecting winger who said he loved Rugby League,then you should send your medical bill to QLD Knobby Toffs Assocaition Inc. If not,then just let it drain away and wait until next season,when you'll see lots of people talking crap.I mean,with the club you're off to,they have to take toilet training lessons to learn to dispose of it all! |
| Dear Madam Zelda I am a much respected member of the Guide Dogs Association and I am being criticised a lot lately.I was Video Referee for a match on the weekend and there was one incident where this player got the ball and apparently got tackled,but it was so dark that I couldn't see him because he blended in so well.Then the ball got over the line and I thought it was a try so I gave it.Now i've been sacked.How do I get my job back?
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Dear Concerned, See if you can get a new sponsor for the video referees next season. OPSM or Paris Miki should be great! |
| Dear Madam Zelda I need help.I am a player who people hate a lot.I played for a really poor but popular club,and then left when I was offered my own media empire,55 porsches,22 seaside mansions and a lifetime subscription to Annoying Arseholes Illustrated.When the coach realised I was a dickhead,I left and went to a hippie commune that was really big on health food.I fitted in ok for a while,but when the new coach came in and decided to let us back to the pub,I got a lot of white powder,a syringe,some water and a lifetime's supply of Toohey's Red.Now i'm about to be sacked.How do I save my job?
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Dear Crying, What happened to you happened a lot to a few other players.One resorted to becoming a gynaecologist but studied the wrong gender,one played an aboriginal song on a corner post,and 5 others got really big muscles and then couldn't find their members.I suggest you get in touch with Robert Downey Junior.You two are perfect for each other! |
| COMING
SOON MADAM ZELDA SPEAKS TO THE DEAD! Want to communicate with
those in the spirit world? Then let Madam Zelda help! Hear what those
on the other side have to say through her special NRL ouija board! So
if you want to speak to the Bears, Rams, Reds, Chargers, Magpies, Crushers,
Steelers or Jets, |
