APOLOGY, OR APOLOGIA?
FIRST, WE MOURN
ATLANTA: CONVERSATIONS WITH APATHY
ATLANTA: LAND OF THE LIVING DEAD
ATLANTA: LAND OF ESCALATORS
I GOT TO MEET ANTHONY LEWIS
I GOT TO MEET KEVIN SMITH
GAY PORN!!!
OTHER COOL STUFF
OUR NEWSPAPER ROCKS
SOMETHING THAT CAN'T WAIT
SITE OF THE WEEK
HATE LETTERS OF THE WEEK
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
NEWS OF THE WEEK

APOLOGY, OR APOLOGIA?
Okay, okay, I know tht this is two-and-a-half weeks late, and that many of you have been dying to hear what's been happening in my life (even Missy Frederick, who's experienced nearly all of it, but she is an admitted Brenizer junkie, so I forgive her. Anyway, voer the oast month, I have at any given time had better things to do than type this update, which isa ctually an infinitely preferable state of affairs. But the upshot of this is that a lot has happened to me. Things actually happened in my life besides reading, working, and sitting down at the Ram office (sleeping and eating not included since they take up less than 1% of my time). SO I could write a really long update now and half of you would read it, and then have absolutely nothing to write about on Thursday, when the regular schedule begins again, so I'll split my time. This update will deal primarily with the first part of my absence. I have a horrible memory, so this will primarily be about ym trip to Atlanta. Yeah yeah, groan all you want, Ram staff. Iknow you've heard it all before. You want a piece of me?

FIRST, WE MOURN
It took a lot longer than I thought, but someone asked to be taken off the list. The depressing part is that it is the eprson msot interested in the events of my life: Veera. Well, I can see how she might like a more personal account. To balance, we must welcome the person that I have added despite my better judgment--my mother. She desperately wanted to be on., and probably cooler than I am, so she hopefully will not pull me from school or anything when she reads this.

ATLANTA: CONVERSATIONS WITH APATHY
I spent five days at a journalism cofnerence in Atlanta. We left Fordham from the Student Center, the building that, sicne it contains The Ram, dominates my life. We were leaving at 4:00 in the morning. I, oddly enough, was the first one there (4:00 is well before my average bedtime, so i ahdn't gone to sleep yet.) I was later joined by life partner John Porvaznik. We were talking to the security guard there, who ahs become sort of a good friend of our becuase were always hanging around after hours (He even took me on his rounds one time and showed me how to sneak into the Center!) We ahd an interesting conversation. he was telling us about how earlier that night he had been standign around watching our quad/soccer field, and he saw four men walk towards one of the goal posts, pick it up, and walk away. They walked down the road, out of sight, and a few minutes later, brought it back. Remember, he was telling us about how he was watching an act of theft, and wasn't doing anything. Later, John and I stole a go-kart used for basketball games and were pushing it (it needed a key) all over infront of the Center, with the lights on. This is why I love Fordham security.

ATLANTA: LAND OF THE LIVING DEAD
If you're ever going to Atlanta, bring food and sleeping pills. Everything closes at 5:00, including restaurants. I'm not kidding. "Why are you closing--it's just starting dinner time!" "Exactly. I've got to get home, eat with my family, and then go to church for the requisite sixteen hours a day!" There was a pizza shop open from 5:30 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. In New York, this would be advertised as "Late Night Pizza," since the only people up and wanting pizza wouls still be up from the night before, but these are normal eatigng hours in this town. They call themselves the empire state of the south, adn the Big Peach--I've got some news for you: You can't be like New York as The City That Takes Afternoon Naps Which Continue on Until the Morning.

ATLANTA: LAND OF ESCALATORS
There are more escalators in Atlanta than stairs, buildings, or any kind of gradient in the landscape. they construct hills just so someone can run an escalator up them. Some of these sukers are around two miles long--I finished A Day In the Life of Ivan Denisovich and got a good way through the Brothers Karamozov, Russian editions, before we got to the top of the one leaving the subway (which isnt' a subway, and which they call the Marta, after the wife of the city's founder, whom he left fora concubine named Trixie.) Nick seems to think that this means that Atlanta is on a hill, which is clearly untrue--basically, Stone Mountain is the only mountain in Georgia, and it's a sissy one--cripples climb it. No, in fact the airport is 600 feet underground. This is probably not the wisest place for an airport, since planes will lkose most of their paint jobs when they haev to barrel through 600 feet of stone, but you just cant stop those crazy Atlanteans!

I GOT TO MEET ANTHONY LEWIS
Mr. lewis, clumnist for the New York Tiems and writer of a few excellent books, was one of the speakers at the conference. I got one ofhis books afterward, and got to shake his hand and stuff, which was cool. As John pointed out, though, he signed my book. "From the Penis." I wonder if he just ahs quirky handwriting or is trying to tell me something.

I GOT TO MEET KEVIN SMITH
So we watched an advance screening of Dogma, which absolutely kicked ass. I reccommend this movie to anyone who isn't Aunt Louise (this is the aunt that is a pround memebr of the National Catholic League, I'm sure,a dn who wanted me excommunicated from the family for not supporting Ex Corde Ecclesiae.) It is not blasphemous or offensive unless youare an atheist or Dan Coyle, and athiests don't get offended, so not to worry.
Have you ever tried offending an athiest?
"You are soulless!"
"Yeah, so?"
"God exists you know."
"No he doesn't. Quit beign naive"
"You're going to Hell."
"I relish the thought."
"Grr... You're um.... You're ugly!"

Doesn't work. Anyway, the only thign that rocks harder than Dogma is Kevin Smith. He stayed for two-and-a-half hours after the movie, answering some of the stupidest questions I've ever heard (So do you lika video games?) And getting really scared by Brendan, Nick, and John. Brendan asked the first comic book question. John asked him if he had anything abot platypi, and Nick, who looks exactly like him, borrowed John's clothes (John dresses exaclt ylike Silent Bob, his caharacter in the movies.) So Smith thought we were stalkers. Later they met him standing in line at the airport. Nick still looked like him. JTP told him that he had a platypus in his bag (Smith's classic response "A live one?") and Bredan threw up on him. we have opfficially scarred the psyche of a famous person. Go Rams!

Note: Kevin Smith has received a lot of hate mail about this film. Actually, the Weinsteins have, becuase the National Catholic League is a thinly-veiled racist organization that only complains of you make religious art and happen to be black and from Africa, or if you produce any film and happen to be Jewish. Some of he best hate mail is below.

GAY PORN!!!
So ou think the South is religious,a nd therefore pure? Wrong. i haev nevr seen so much pron in my life. A newspaper was full of fetish porn ads. More disconcertingly, i walked into a gas station with Cayenne to get some Pepsi, which Ja and I know to be the elixer of life. I'm standign there,. loking at the magazine rack,a nd I realize that it is 80% pornography--this is an entire wall of porn. Morover, all of it was hardcore, and about 80% of the porn was gay porn. There are a hell of a lot of naked men having sex on this wall. i'm standing there with Cayenne, who's a great cuy but is ver Abercrombie and Fitch, if you get my drift. We're in the middle of nowhere in a place that is starting to look like the store in Pulp Fiction. That is about as scared as I've been in my life, but we amde it out without meeting the gimp.

OTHER COOL STUFF
Laurena nd Lisa had a sexless manage a trois with Cayenne, basically as an experiment to see if blue balls, in an advancced stage, would cause a violent auto-castration
We foud out that Cayenne has been molested by a Turkey
The Yankees won while we were in Antlanta. We went out looking for a fight with Braves fans. We went to a hotel bar. Wrrong place. Everyone there was from new York, and a Yankees fan, all looking for fights with Braves fans. We could have burned the city if anyone had the gumption. the problem is that, in Atlanta, no one would notice. Why did Sherman even bother?
Speaking of that, i made a lot of General Sherman jokes in my classical vein of "I'm somewhere else? let's see if I can get beaten up!" How do you make the Yankees better? Replace Joe torre with William Tecomseh Sherman.
Some people wen tout to the museums. Leaving New York to go to Atlanta's museums? Jeez. that would be like living in Lake Placid for a large part of your life and then learning to ice skate in Kansas City--oh, wait....

OUR NEWSPAPER ROCKS
And all others do not. suck it, New York Times

SOMETHING THAT CAN'T WAIT
I ahte guns, I hate the Second Amentmment, adn that those murderous words are so close to the First Amendment, pinncle of society. I hate GW Bush for wanting to kill children. This week, guns have played a part in the lives of two people I care about very much. As always, it is a negative role. One of veera's friends and residents was shot ina New Orleans bar. Her arm was shattered. Next, my aunt was huntign with her boyfriend and his bother, who was wearing a brown fleece jacket. Althugh Jim was a very careful hunter, communication got messed up and he thought his brother was a deer. He shot him dead.
Pray or think about these people to overcome and remember, but more importantly pray that we ever get effective gun control in this God-forsaken nation.

SITE OF THE WEEK
www.viewaskew.com --Kevin Smith's personal homepage
Also, profiles of The Ram members at www.fordham.edu/theram
And, if you're bothered about not getting the news, www.slate.com is the best place to get it quickly. just go to today's papers--an 800-word roundup od what's been reported that day, and what should have been reported.

CONSPIRACY THEORY HAS BEEN REPLACED THIS WEEK BY HATE LETTERS OF THE WEEK
Don't believe me that the NCL is racist? See if you notice a pattern... besides that none of these people have SEEN THE FILM!!!

Bob + Harvey Weinstein,
To those whose last name indicates a particular background (ethnically speaking), it seems so false, insincere and downright malicious that you and your herd could make fun and try to kill the human respect due a people.
It's you, the liberal Jews who have not suffered the evils of what took place in Germany during the Second World War but who will do the same thing to Christians especially Catholics for the only dollar - God [illegible] - money.
Why don't you and your kind do a documentary on the immortality of the liberal Jews. Get to know what you as a people are like.
Shame on you - God have mercy on you. Think of us when you try to be a "good" Jew the next time.
Origin Unknown

Dear Mr. Eisner:
I am greatly distressed that your company is behind the production and distribution of "Dogma", an offensive film which ridicules Catholics and the Catholic tradition.
Yes, I guess you can hide behind your first amendment rights, but is that any excuse to poke fun at a sacred tradition embraced by 175 million Americans?
What if the shoe was on the other foot, and the script called for putting down the Jewish faith? Would you want your Jewish friends to know you were behind it? Do you think your father and mother would be proud of you for ridiculing the religion they respect and cherish.
This film is beneath contempt. It doesn't even belong in the so-called art theatres. I urge you to keep it out of distribution.

Cleveland, OH

Mr. Anti-Christian:

You are disgusting and dispicable. Anyone that would produce a movie as Dogma is sick, anti-family, and you must really be hard-up. Apparently, Disney needs more cash so you are stooping to a level beyond anything I can think of to draw the really low lifes, altered lifestyle people, and scum.
I have e-mailed all my friends and family, telling them about this movie. I will not ever, ever again watch the Disney channel, visit any of your theme parks, or purchase anything that even resembles any of the Disney characters. I have advised everyone that I know to do the same and pass the contents of your movie to everyone they know.
And how could any of your actors portray the people you have in your movie. They all must be, as yourself, SATANISTS!
You know, it is really a shame. Walt Disney made his company into something he was proud of, something that everyone would be glad to be a part of. I had the utmost respect for him. But you, however, have sunk to the bottom, and if you don't change your tune, you will be at the bottom.
HOW COULD YOU DO IT? I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.
Origin Unknown

Does that sound a little like "antichrist" to anybody?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK
ME: "You know, he's a wife beater"
LAUREN: "He could beat me if he wanted to."
ME: "What?"
LAUREN: "You know, gently.."

NEWS OF THE WEEK

ARE YOU EXPERIENCED

In an interview with USA Today, the newspaper for people with attention deficit disorder, President Clinton said presidential candidates John McCain and Al Gore deserve credit for having served in Vietnam because it gave them a "unique perspective" that could help in office, namely during those situations when trying to match a tie to your ear-necklace.
Yet while Clinton doesn't believe an absence of military service will hurt other presidential hopefuls, he said he has "always seen service as a plus," adding, especially if you're trying to score with dumpy chicks, I just can't compete!"
Clinton's remarks were in response to a question of whether his victories over veterans George Bush and Bob Dole indicate that voters no longer consider military service important, or if people have just finally realized most Republicans are idiots.
Clinton continued on the subject saying, "I don't think the absence of (military service) is much a negative, but I think its presence can be a positive, and frankly I think that's the way it ought to be," a point he then emphasized by saluting while firing off a love-bullet into an intern's face.

CAUCASIAN ROUNDUP 1: ANGEL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA

Pope John Paul II celebrated Mass before 7,000 people this week in the former Soviet State of Georgia, marking the first papal visit to the Caucasus region.
The Mass took on special poignancy to many, as it came ten years to the day after the collapse of the Berlin Wall, and also, strangely enough, five years to the day from the fifth anniversary of the collapse of the Berlin Wall.
On hand for the joyous occasion was Georgian President Eduard Shevardnadze, the one-time foreign minister of the Soviet Union. Afterwards, the two men met, and Shevardnadze thanked the pope for his pivotal role in the fall of communism... and for that post-firing recommendation letter.
The papal trip has taken a toll on the 79-year-old Pope. His spokesman told reporters that the pope had caught a "big chill" on the trip, leaving the press corps with the disturbing mental image of the Pope and five of his closest archbishops smoking pot in the Vatican kitchen while dancing to "Heard It Through the Grapevine."
The Pope has long dreamed of reconciling the Roman Catholic and Greek Orthodox branches of Catholicism, but the two sects remain divided on many issues. For examples, the Pope claims that he is infallible, and to Orthodox leaders, that's mistake #1.
A Georgian Orthodox official said the papal visit had brought Georgia and the Vatican closer, but that what would really bring them closer would be one of Georgia's famous massive earthquakes. (That's a two-foot tectonic shift to the west!)

Note: More of you will get in Thursday's edition, which uincludes two production weeks and a debate tournament.