Corrupting Our Youth Yessir. I have decided to follow in the footsteps of great men such as Robert T. Missonis III, Andrew Touchette, James Belushi in The Principal: I, for at least another two weeks, have become an educator. Specifically I'm subbing for classes from K-12, though 7th graders are the youngest little bastards I've had yet. And, as someone who loves children because I am one, I've discovered some things from the other side. When kids make fun of each other and the teacher has to stop it, the teacher is usually trying not to laugh. I rarely succeed at this. "Why yes, that kid is fat, isn't he?" No matter how passive or fun-loving you are, once you've staked out your disciplinary territory, you'll do anything to keep it. I'm in a good district and I've already scared an entire study hall of 8th graders half to death, sent a kid straight to detention, and, best of all, when someone wouldn't turn his desk around for me, I picked it up with him in it and turned it around for him. Remember how you always thought that teachers were talking about you in the faculty room? They were. Most teachers will react to kids with: "What's come of this world? I was never that bad." I was far worse. These kids have nothing on me. My first few years of high school my group of friends had bets to see who could make teachers cry and/or leave the profession. We succeeded more often than you'd think. This is likely why my old school won't hire me but a neighboring school had me teaching before my application was filled out. Otherwise, I'm just waiting here in Saranac Lake for the weather in New Orleans to become less infernal. And, in related news, things with Veera are going swimmingly well, and life shall be perfect as soon as a I get a job down there. I'm still in the initial stages of my job search, but I have some good prospects. Here is the description of one of the first jobs I've looked at: Award-winning university publications staff seeks an editor with strong writing background, experience in copy editing and excellent organization skills. The editor will be part of the editorial team that produces a quarterly alumni magazine, an internal newspaper and other publications. Thinking creatively and independently, working well with different editorial teams and clients, and meeting established deadlines are important. Bachelor's degree and 2 years' writing and/or editorial experience required. Macintosh computer knowledge preferred. I think there was also a clause in there that said "Must be named Ryan Brenizer," but they took it out for legal reasons. In the meanwhile, I'm upstate, and it feels like I'm...

Justification One of the things you have undoubtedly noticed if you are one of the (Ram-connected) people who get anywhere from two-ten updates from different people is that they are loaded (particularly Missy's, as Brendan has noted) with self-justification. There is a good reason for this: THEY BLOODY WELL NEED JUSTIFICATION. One of the few things that will ever shock Missy Frederick and Mike Forde into silence was the admission that I was stopping updates because they were too arrogant even for me. This is partly a personal problem--I prefer to grandstand in a medium where I can not allow people to talk back over one where they can't. I actually broke up a relationship once over my hatred of writing letters--I had to tell the girl I had a phobia of disgruntled postal workers (the days before AIM). But we all know that updates are the clearest sign of arrogance possible. Thus, I've changed media, and , to paraphrase McLuhan, the medium is the massage [sic] I have few illusions that the daily grind of my life is of earth-shattering importance more than anyone else's, but hey, you have gotten this far through tirade, right? (If you're just skimming through for News of the Week, save yourself the pain and click to your left.) But, I have done things I had reservations about for secondary benefits before--I won a graduation award for debate, for Crissake. So, here are five justifications for reinstating my updates, going in order from blind optimism to dank pessimism You people actually want to to hear the events of my life, and eagerly await new updates. I glen this from Brendan's "brilliantly funny" review (apparently he's fallen off the straight-edge wagon) to Juliana Duffy's reaction to my canceling of the updates: "Are you the devil?" As has been pointed out time and time again. Updates are currently the hallmark of Ram people, who see each other every day anyway. The same, quote, if funny enough, could make it into at least five updates. If someone pulled a Ryan Kelly (falling drunk out of a chair during a speech) at the next Ram banquet, fuhgeddaboudit. I am now on my own, however, and news of my life may be just that--news to you, instead of inducing nostalgia for an event that happened a few days ago. As I stated in my first update, there are secondary benefits to updates--you need to have cool things to tell people about. It's like you're being watched--and you don't pick your nose when the camera's on you. (unless you're Bush) I can't very well write an update about reading right-wing websites 21 hours a day (well, not another one--we'll get to that) so I'll have to figure out something to do. Maybe it's more like committing a sin because you like saying Hail Marys at confession. This means that the tales of what I've been up to (III, IV, + V are primarily meant for me, and not recommended for human consumption. Enter at your own risk.) I have severe memory problems. If it's not trivial, if it actually was something that directly happened to me rather than the escape velocity of Saturn's moons or what Princess Lvova said in Anna Karenina, I won't remember it. Case in point: I looked at my yearbook yesterday to look for people to hang out with that might be around. I saw a girl that I remember being cool and being friends with, but I couldn't remember a single thing we had ever done together or said to each other. I need something to remember my life by, and diaries are for girls. Updates are for manly men like Brendan and Pat and Jerry and .... wait..... Oh yeah! Adriatik. Manly men like Adriatik! Viva Albania! I may never live in the same city with many of you again (although New York will do its best to call you back. I have zero regularly contacted friends from high school. ZERO. In that sense, it will be interesting to see how many people will eventually want to be taken off the website mailing list because they don't no me anymore. Nah.... Have a nice day.

News of the Week BUSH BREAK Texas Governor George Bush, back from winning the "legs and heels competition" at Daytona Spring Break, recommended a reprieve for a death row inmate for the first time, after finally finding the rubber stamp marked "reprieve." The recommendation must be formalized by state Senator Rodney Ellis, who is acting governor while Bush and the lieutenant governor are out of the state, fulfilling their campaign promises of never being around to govern. Ellis's vote is not a sure thing, especially given that he's called up the National Guard and declared Bush an illegal alien. The inmate is a 43-year-old mechanic with an 11th grade education, and 1993 convictions for rape and ax murdering his 12-year-old stepdaughter. His name is Ricky McGinn and in his defense she did look exactly like a cherry tree. McGinn claims DNA tests would prove he is innocent of the crime; though, sadly they may prove he is a woolly mammoth. Bush is overturning the decision of his parole board just days after advocating DNA testing to "erase any doubts" about death penalty cases, apparently the result of his learning that DNA wasn't just DAN misspelled. Since Bush has been governor, 131 people have been executed, the most in the nation, leading to the state motto, "You'll come for the Alamo, you'll stay because you've been electrocuted." TREE BUGGER Gov. George W. Bush criticized the Clinton-Gore administration today for an approach to land conservation that he said involved too much federal muscle and too little local flexibility, stating that perhaps some communities do in fact want cancer-causing tap water. Instead of current federal conservation programs, Bush proposed using federal resources and incentives to coax state governments and private citizens into greater conservation efforts such as only allowing tire fires if the flames are used to grill hotdogs for the hobos. Against a backdrop of snow-crowned mountains, gargantuan pine trees and the blue waters of Lake Tahoe, the Texas governor presented his plan as an "illustration" of what he said was his deep commitment to preserving natural splendors like the one he was visiting, though some feel he took the "illustration" metaphor too far when giving it an awkwardly large head and roller skates. Mr. Bush proposed spending a modest amount of money, calling for an additional $2.3 billion in federal spending on conservation efforts over the next five years, though, he pointed out, "Only 10 cents a minute after that!" He did, however, emphasize that much of that money would be channeled to local governments or used for programs encouraging private landowners and private groups to take more aggressive stewardship to the land and water around them: such as really enforcing the country club's "no peeing in the pool" rule. Ironically, by several important measures of environmental health, Texas ranks 50th in the 50 states, though Mr. Bush says the situation has been improving steadily over the five years that he has been governor, and with a little bit of elbow grease they believe they can get that number up to at least 55th by year's end.

Useless Tidbit I discover a lot of useless stuff due to my Internet addiction. For example, if there's something about you on the Internet, I've read it. Ask Pat Jordan. With each passing update, you can benefit from this. Tidbit #1: G.W. Bush has a handsome, half-Latino nephew who he will undoubtedly use for political advantage. The personal e-mail address of this nephew, George Prescott Bush, is george@gencom.net. Let's see if you can figure out where I got this. This is also a good place to announce this week's Contest: I am not a party-line Democrat in the least. I am not a fan of Hillary Clinton. I will probably vote for Grandpa Al Lewis in the upcoming election just to see if he keeps his campaign promise to live out his term. Why, then, will I never vote for Lazio? Only two hints: It's not for political reasons, or any reason that another person would use. Secondly, this question is of middling difficulty for Missy Frederick, very difficult for Christine Patino, and well-nigh impossible for anyone else If you get it, you will earn my praise as well as my astonishment. If no one gets it, but you have the funniest or most original answer, you shall win. The prize? I will steal anyone thing you want, and fence it to you. (Void where prohibited by law.)

HS Friend and fellow fleeting psycopath Bryan Lane Gabe and Dan, more nutcases.

Back in High School Why? Maybe it's the whole waking up at 6:30 a.m. thing, or the fact that I am now getting back into activities that I haven't done since high school, particularly martial arts, and, of course, the surroundings, but it was all brought into a sharp contrast with one word: Buddy. I was hungry. There was no food in the house. So I head to the local gas station, which houses a Subway eatery (as opposed to mass transit, which I am hundreds of miles away from) I am filled with the strange mix of satisfaction, pity, and wondering "What the hell happened?" upon finding that the only person to ever defeat me in an election has been working in a gas station these past four years. I ring up my sandwich and a Snickers bar (king size--I'm high on the hog today) and walk towards the door when she says it: "Hey Buddy, you forgot your Snickers." Now, I know, gas station attendants call everyone Buddy. But it had a deeper meaning. You see, in High School, I was Buddy. It was my name, and my persona. New to the school system in 8th grade, I was named that by someone who didn't know my name (for four years I refused to tell anyone how to pronounce my last name--I enjoyed watching people struggle.) It stuck because, as he said, "I looked like a Buddy" (me in 8th grade was same height, 45 lbs lighter.) There were distinct blessings to be a Buddy. It instantly designated me the class clown, and I leapt to popularity so quickly that everyone forgot I was knew and always used to ask me if I remembered things we did in elementary school. Heck, a Buddy could weather the storm of cross-dressing in a school play in front of the entire Middle School. But there is a downside to being class clown. To quote George Carlin, tipping my hat to Nick Monteleone: "Being Class Clown was great--you got invited to all the parties. You got the last girl, but you got invited to all the parties. This was more of a problem as time went on, and led to my doctrine that you should date outside the school system, which I find works even better at Fordham. Nuff said. The upshot of this is that none of you would recognize the persona I was in high school. I changed radically for no more reason than my name was Ryan again. And I still get a sense of morning-after shock when looking back at some of the things I did with my fascination with the weird. Anyone who saw my earlier updates knows that I formally applied to succeed my room from the Union. That was just the tip of it. I quickly became the popular weird kids friends with all the popular psychos, exemplified by this one exchange that took place in my kitchen: Me: I'm weirder than you. James Joyce (no kidding): I'm weirder than you Me: I'm weirder than you. (I proceed to take aloe lotion, and fill my notrils and ears with it. James: I'm weirder than you. (Proceeds to take a Wilshire Stay-Sharp knife and slice it across his hand. Blood flows.) Pause. Me: You're weirder than me. That was my high school experience, and coming back I now have a strange mix of personality between "Buddy," ,"Ryan," and "Mr. Brenizer." This also explains the new name of the update: It was my senior quote. The full is Carpe Pisces dice che la diphallic terata: "Seize the fish, said the two-penised monster" Well, now onto the fun stuff:

Strange Attraction There's something about updates. Just over one year ago, there was but one, Brendan, standing in the wilderness. He began it all as a clever way to, well, be clever. Then Mike picked it up as a clever way to be Brendan. (Brendan later returned the favor by being Mike.) Then I entered, and I had a dream: I dreamed of a time that all people would contact each other solely through updates in a new global community. My vision is well on its way. We've seen updates from Nick, Jerry, Jen Miller, Adriatik, Jonathan Selkoe (the Toeheaded Ramblings), President O'Hare, a talking bear and the ghost of Sir Edmund Hillary. In fact, even I receive a small minority of today's updates (though I hear I do receive the best ones, except for that of one A&E editor who shall remain nameless.) It's a strange secret society, made even stranger by the fact that it is neither secret nor a society. It is reminiscent of another man's vision: Fight Club's David Fincher. This is not an accident. I just watched the Fight Club DVD with the following missing footage: Tyler: Rule number one: You do not talk about updates. Rule number two: You do not talk about updates. Man: But isn't the whole point of updates relaying information? Aren't you in some sense talking when writing an update: Tyler: To paraphrase McLuhan... Man: The medium is the massage, right, that one was used in the last panel. Tyler: Screw it. I'm going to beat the crap out of you.

Quotes Since the Ram office--incubator of great quotes that it is--is, alas, empty, and none around here are usually quotable, I'll have to take a scattering from Instant Messenges. If, like me, you find quotes pulled from IMs strangely annoying, I'm sorry I just liked the unintended comic timing here: BylineMJF (1:21 AM): what are you reading BylineMJF (1:21 AM): I just read Kingdom Come RKBrenizer (1:22 AM): I think so. "Cultural Contradictions of Capitalism" Daniel Bell "Understanding media" Marshall McLuhan "Tao of Jeet Kune Do" Bruce Lee all at once.... and then "Ulysses" RKBrenizer (1:22 AM): and then Whitehead. BylineMJF (1:23 AM): so light, fluffy stuff RKBrenizer (1:23 AM): and, of course, comic books. A response from the fantastic Marriott complaint board: "The coffee is good. The coffee provider is good. We will not change the coffee. Thank you." Brendan's depression over the April Fool's Day issue. Note the times of these conversations. BANKSH0T (2:08 AM): but oh, how disappointing was "What's Happening?" RKBrenizer (2:08 AM): agreed. BANKSH0T (2:08 AM): What could I do? That thing was emptier than a G.I.'s scrotum in a Number One whorehouse. No events of any recognizable stereotype could be skewered. RKBrenizer (2:08 AM): but standard. RKBrenizer (2:08 AM): standards were too high. Proof that only the real psychos troll for chicks on AIM at 8 a.m. This was the entire conversation. (Need to identify gender in my profile, I guess) DoctorConley (7:53 AM): wanna scandle my water gaste and be deep throat Lisa's abuse at the hands of a certain greasy administrator. LiMarie979 (2:03 AM): He gives me the quote and then asks where I got placed as an RA next year. I said North. He said are you happy. I said well I wanted Millennium, but I am happy. He said, I will give you Millennium is you don't run the article RKBrenizer (2:03 AM): WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!? LiMarie979 (2:04 AM): yeah. I feel so dirty

Great Desktop Picture Another of my Internet hobbies is collecting background pics--lots of them. This is from the talented guys at digitalblasphemy.com. Click on the picture at left for the bigger image.

Obsession: Right-wing Websites I have a theory. I call it the Brendan McGinley theory. If you are obsessed enough over something, no matter what, your friends will eventually obsess over it too. It is often a long, hard fight, but it happens. This is why I'm now into comics and ska, and why so many friends meld into OCB (One Composite Being) Well, my obsession is Right-Wing web sites, and as obsessions go it's slightly more addictive than heroin but probably not as bad for you. Maybe. You see, I watched Fight Club yesterday. For those who haven't seen it, the main character goes to various support groups for afflictions he does not have. He gets very angry when he sees other people doing the same thing. This is meant to be a farce, a twisted look at the ultimate in dependence, and most people laugh and feel slightly disturbed, because that's what Davis Fincher is good at making us feel. Well, I laughed, felt slightly disturbed at said, "Wait a second, I do that," My support groups are right-wing websites. The cream of the crop, the testicular cancer ward, if you will, is FreeRepublic.com. This site consists of the hundred thousand or so most conservative people in the country (A Bush supporter is regarded as liberal; Alan Keyes is their champion.) who are all addicted to the site. They'll spend six hours a day there reading articles, responding to them, and responding to the responses. Well, I used to just watch the group, but now 've joined in. I post articles likely to get them pissed off, and actually post conservative-sounding responses that can be read both ways. I can't post my screenname because, frankly, I'm scared of a lit of those people, but I have assumed the nature of a people to attain their cultural benefits. And I also get angered when I spot others doing the same. The first article I posted received two responses that were downright liberal. There people were later flamed by reactionaries, but it still disturbed me. They were trying to take away my fun. You can join in however. The experience is unlike anything you've ever seen before. If you're open-minded enough, you'll find yourself saying. "I agree with that. Okay, I see how someone could think that ... WTF?!? Are these people crazy?" At some level, they nearly all are. The right-wing is far more sites on the web than the left, most likely because the left gets the press in most cases anyway. So here is a guide to your right-wing experience. These are not hate-speech sites. Those are fun for different reasons. For good listings of these sites, you can go to HateWatch or TurnLeft: FreeRepublic.com: The mack-daddy. Once you come in, you're never coming out. Type in anything you want into the search field and prepare for a holiday. Recommended search strings: Liberal, Bible, Barf, Alert, ACLU, Dr. Laura Media Research Center: A listing of everything the media has ever said that has been liberal in any way, shape or form. Belief in a vast, left-wing conspiracy theory. Largely an overreaction-I could pull of a hundred things a day from the Fox news channel and say the press is all right-wing, but still mildly entertaining. Accuracy in Academia: Actually a good deal of stuff I agree with here, but there is a tendency, like all ideologues, to straw-man opponents' arguments. WorldNetDaily: Second-most addictive site. Doubles in size every few months. Apparently the average visitor spends four hours there. Weekly columns by such lovely figures as Alan Keyes, Lenora Fulani, and Lew Rockwell (more on him later.) NewsMax: Another news page. Good at seeing what conservatives think is important, but tends to falsify data. CNSNews: Another news page. Look for the cartoons by Kevin Tuma--the man is a sociopath. LewRockwell.com: Proof that at the heart of every libertarian lies insanity. Actually wants to privitize all roads. A must-read. Well, that's all for my obsession this time. If anyone has an obsession you'd like others to share, e-mail it to me and I'll put it in.