Thoughts In My Head

Okay. I don’t really know what this is, you can call it a blog or just a random piece of writing from me. I don’t really care what you call it. I was sat watching some television and all this just came to my head so the TV is actually on in the other room and i’m sat here writing this. It’s about 5:45am and I still haven’t slept. Mainly because of all this that is in my head. Anyway let me start.

Someone once said to me, “Im not perfect and I know no one truly is”,  That statement is exactly how I feel right now. Yes I’ve got a lot of problems and i’m going through a lot of things at the moment at home and it is all just too much, It feels like I’m going crazy. My head just can’t take this anymore and it’s eating me up inside and there comes a time when you need to let it out and this is exactly what it is for, for me to express my feelings and let all this out.

Okay firstly I know that statement is true, I know I’m not perfect and I know I’ve made mistakes in my life. Believe me I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life and right now I’m regretting more or less all of them but one that well I should be regretting the most but I’m not. I know I’ve lied to people in the past and I know I’ve hurt people too in my life. Things like this happen and for what I’ve done I’m really sorry. Most of you reading this won’t really know what I’m about to say but well its something I don’t really like to tell people because then they don’t think I’m every telling the truth. What it is you ask? Well… I’m a compulsive liar, or I use to be. You see a few years ago before I met most of you that are reading this I use to know this girl that I got on with really well and for some reason, maybe because I was scared of whom I am or I was scared of rejection. Either way I use to tell a lot of people lies about myself. Not just small lies like oh I did this today when I really didn’t. I use to tell this girl a lot of lies and one day she found out. Every since then I’ve never spoken to her because she was hurt that bad that she could never trust me again and that is my own fault and nobody elses fault and I admit to that. I even admitted to her that I was a compulsive liar but obviously by then it was too late because she didn’t want to know me anymore. Since that day I don’t think I’ve told a lie to any of you people that I know because I know that I hurt that girl a lot and I don’t ever want to do that again. Okay now that I’ve got that out of the way I’ll move on to something else.

Something else, a four letter word… yes you guessed it, LOVE. What is love exactly? It isn’t something we do, or have it is a feeling, something we can say to someone that we have really strong feelings but who really knows how strong that feeling is. You meet someone one day and think you are in love with them but really that is just lust. To love someone you have to know them, they have to know you. Why on earth am I talking about love? Well obviously because I am in love. No I don’t think I am in love with her. I know for a fact that I am in love with her because out of everyone that I’ve said I’ve loved before… I’ve never felt this way about a girl in my life. I’ve never had that feeling in my stomach when I’m talking to her, I’ve never felt that weak when I’m talking to someone. She completes me. She knows what to say when I’m upset; she knows those comforting words to make me smile even though she isn’t here close by me, she says things that help me without knowing it. She doesn’t know it but she’s my world, my everything, my sunshine on a rainy day and because I’m so stupid, because I’m me basically I most likely lost the chance to ever call her mine, to ever have her love me back, to ever have her say “I love you” to me like I say it to her. You see we shared our feelings with each other once and because I’m stupid, because I was scared of rejection I didn’t act upon my feelings for her… and now because of my situation and her situation we can’t be together. Why? Because I’m stupid, and I don’t care who says I’m not stupid I know inside of my heart that I truly love her with all of my heart and I’ll always love her. Will she ever love? Has she ever loved me? Does she love me? I don’t know and I’m really scared to even ask her. When I try and ask her how she feels about me I get really scared and my hands start to shake. Just thinking of my life, my future without her brings a tear to my eye. As I sit and watch TV and see couples being together, holding hands and all that romantic stuff all I’ve ever pictured is me and her together just like that, just that perfect and now it’ll never happen because of one stupid mistake I made in my life. I just hope if she tells me how show feels about me one day that she’ll let me down gentle, I just hope she’ll say it in a way that won’t hurt me but honestly if she tells me that she doesn’t love me or have “those” feelings for me that she once had I’ll be heart broken and my heart will have shattered into a million pieces because I can’t picture myself without her, I can’t picture a future, my future, without her in it. No matter how hard I try.

People have told me time and time again to get over her, she isn’t worth the pain, move on. You try being in love with someone this much and doing exactly what you’ve told me to do. You do that and tell me how hard it is. You fall in love with someone and fall out of love with them. See how “easy” it is and come and tell me exactly how it felt for you to do that. I’ve had my heart broken before, I’ve had my heart broken by girls before and it hurts like hell. Having your heart broken is actually bad for your health, no I’m not making that up I read that on a science news site, the BBC news site. Having your heart broken can lead to heart problems and other such things in life don’t believe me, go look it up and find out. Did you ever stop to think maybe I don’t want to get over her, I don’t want fall out of love with her because she means everything to me and having everything taken away from you makes you feel like shit. Have you ever thought maybe I don’t want to get over her because I’m scared that if I do get over her I’ll never be able to love someone ever again the way I loved her and the way I love her is true love, you don’t have to believe me but I’m sat here thinking about her right now, wishing I was with her, wishing we were together and I know we can’t be and that hurts me and right now I’m sat here crying. I’ve been typing for forty-five minutes with tears in my eyes. Now tell me that I don’t love her, tell me to get over.

You’re probably thinking “what a dickhead” right now, right? I don’t care what people think about what I have to say, this is from my heart and if you don’t like then in the words of ‘The Tennessee Cowboy’ James Storm; “Shame about your damn luck” cause I don’t give a shit, don’t like it don’t read it. It is that simple.

Yours truly

               Shazad Maqbool