A doctor told his cancer patient that she had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Go and Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
A man was on vacation when he ran into an old acquaintance. "Hello, John," he said. "I haven't seen you for years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered John. "But don't tell my mother. She thinks I'm still a broker/pimp.
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said " Mr. James you are hereby fined Rs500." The accused stood up and said "Thanks, your lordship , however I am having only Rs.400/- at this time, but if you'd allow me a few minutes in the crowd, I will pay immediately otherwise I require some time …….."
An flight was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one Advocate who is still going around passing out visiting cards and collects the address of the legal heirs .
The day after the hearing was over , the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be re -heard. He said that he had he has missed some points . "What new points could you have?" said the judge. The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra Rs. 50,000, and I just found out about it.
A man walked into a Senior Advocates's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "Rs.10,000/- for three questions, replied the Advocate . "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?
An indigent client who had been injured in a motor accident went looking for a lawyer to file a claim before the MACT . One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency. When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything."
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the defamatory statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the lawyer , "just whisper them to the honourable judge."
A man went into a local Chamber of Commerce, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the reception , "Is there a criminal lawyer in the city?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."<
A matrimonial case is being heard in a Court. Divorce is sought on the ground of adultery. One of the counsel wanted to avoid the court. During the pendency of the case, the adulterer died. Counsel sought time for impleading the legal heirs of the deceased adulterer.
Two schoolgirls were having an argument. "My dad's better than your dad. He's a carpenter and makes buildings." The other girl replied, "My dad does better than that. He's a lawyer, and makes loopholes."
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law college. He graduated and enrolled and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot! We lived on the funding of that case for ten years.
A housewife, a lawyer and an accountant were asked, "How much is 2 + 2?" The housewife replies, "Four!" The accountant says, "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A compromise petition in a property case is like cutting a cake and giving it to all and making them believe that what they got is equal portion.
A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. The lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a bottle of whisky. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honorable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee that you will lose the case." Weeks later the judge ruled in favor of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad that you didn't send those whisky bottles to the judge?", the partner asked. "Oh, but I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"