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Thought this piece
apt for the times we are living in:
The Politically Correct Little Red Riding
Hood
There once was a young person named Little
Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered
owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only
someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver
whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to
imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a
close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate
the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if
this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a
basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's
house. She said, "But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized
people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages
between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that
she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission
exemption form. "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to
do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that
it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were
equally oppressed until all women were free "But mother, then shouldn't
you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should
learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained
that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides,
this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would
help engender a feeling of community. "But won't I be oppressing Grandma,
by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her
own selfhood?"
Red Riding Hood's mother explained that
her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped
in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions
were inferior to what some people called "health". Thus Red Riding Hood
felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her
grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was
a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was
an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal
society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and
hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear
of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless
society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods
and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding
Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine
some flowers. She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf,
who asked her what was
in her basket. Red Riding Hood's teacher
had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking
control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother
some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity." The Wolf said, "You
know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods
alone." Red Riding Hood said,
"I find your sexist remark offensive in
the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop
an alternative and yet entirely valid
worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I
would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path,
and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house. But because his status outside
society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought,
the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the
house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as
a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions,
he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited
developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and
said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you
in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch." The Wolf said softly "Come
closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma,
what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous, and what
a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to
help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures,
my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth
you have!" The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and,
in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed,
grabbed Little Red Riding
Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that
she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly. "Aren't you forgetting
something?"
Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must
request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement
that he loosened his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst
into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried
Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing
a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self
esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off
that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper,
and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced
off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time,"
said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought
I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here,"
said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw
her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have
such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and
he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little
belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
By Nomad - Newsgroups: za.humour
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