The Ministry of Defence

Following the dishonourable discharge of Ian the High Commander of the Weasel Army, and his ex-communication from the church, we (the great communal We) have decided to take control of his ministry and award his post to a more deserving candidate.

Our first responsibility, when it comes to the Ministry of Defence (of course, our first personal responsibility is to organise contents for our own ministries… Yes, I do mean you!).  Oh dear, I’ve lost my trail of thought.  Anyway, our first responsibility in organizing the Ministry of Defence is to form an army to protect Salamandertron from those who may chose to attack her.  As Jason faced the skeleton army which arose from the fragments of scattered bone, so must our enemies face the army born from the fragments of our desire.  This army will comprise of various heroes, who’ve proved their worth in fiction or history.  These heroes will be separated into three different troupes, each fighting to defend the different factions of Salamandertron.  The first will fight for the SPIRIT of Salamandertron – that is, the religion and beliefs held by the members of the church.  The second will fight to protect the KNOWLEDGE and wisdom of the church – ooh, that’d be my words then (M. Rev. Dr. J.) and M’s computer wizardry.  The third, and final, division of our army will be fighting for the GLORY of Salamandertron – think ancient Rome and you’re on the right lines.  Each troupe will be answerable to its General, and each General is answerable to one man, the High Commander.

The New High Commander of the W. A. is one Marcus Antoninus (Mark Anthony, if you’d prefer).  Perhaps this a strange choice considering his reputation – famed for shagging Cleopatra VII, excessive drinking and pissing about (driving a lion-drawn chariot through Rome, great idea, mate!) – then when you add to this the stories that he missed entire battles due to partying, it seems like a bloody awful decision.  But, when it came down to it, our Marcus was a great bloke.  He was loyal (except when in love with his best mate’s bird), he was brave, he never took himself too seriously but he did take his job seriously and he had cartloads of military skill.  Tacticians may doubt the greatness of his military skill but, for me, you couldn’t question the simple effectiveness of his policy of attacking the centre of the enemy troupes.  Anyway, it worked, didn’t it?  Now I’d just like to make it known to you all that this decision was made only with consideration to military skill and had absolutely nothing, whatsoever, to do with his tall-dark-and-handsomeness, big muscly thighs or impressive phallic organ.  Honest.  Swear to Salamandertron.

The Generals

SPIRIT - Maeniel, though we’re calling him Wolfman because we can’t pronounce his real name

This one’s down to Lamby and I (M). My obsession with the bloke in the bookshop sent me over the edge and Maeniel is a character from a random book I bought one probably-rainy June afternoon. He features in two books, The Silver Wolf and Night of the Wolf, by Alice Borchardt. Why Wolfman? Mostly because he’s a Werewolf. Of the very cool, shaggable type. (Lamby’ll back me up on this one.) Depending on which order you read the books in, he starts out as a wolf, before becoming a naďve and impassioned man, a pack leader and a bit of a hero (fighting for honour and personal freedom and that type of thing.)

I’m supposed to explain why he’s here, and this might have something to do with his supernatural strength and Werewolf-ness. However, it might also have something to do with the fact that Lamby isn’t too keen on the bird he ends up with and she wants him instead…Why Spirit? Remembering the childlike naivety at the beginning of his tale means he couldn’t possibly fight for Knowledge (I bet Russ was never naďve like that,) and I doubt he has the inclination to fight for Glory. He will fight for his own form of spirituality and expression, which may be somewhat animalistic, but who cares about details like that anyway?

KNOWLEDGE - Russell Crowe, aka General Maximus Whatever, aka The Spaniard, aka Gladiator

Okay, so this entire concept was conceived whilst drinking beer after watching Gladiator.  But a couple of weeks later, as I’m writing this (Salamandertron, I’m lazy), it still makes sense.  Let’s face it, if the film’s to be believed he was the greatest General in the history of the world EVER.  And who wouldn’t want that in their army, I ask you?

He’s fighting for the knowledge, simply because he spends the film fighting for Marcus Aurelius who has aspirations to be a thinker, even if he didn’t quite make it.  By the way, in the film, when that bird kisses Russ, he doesn’t pull away, he never shows any signs of regret and doesn’t feel guilty.  How are we meant to believe he loves his late wife so deeply and isn’t just another Roman slapper, hell-bent on revenge coz no-one likes senseless violence?  Anyway, I digress…

Go Russ! Go!!

GLORY - Richard Sharpe, aka Sean Bean

Did I suggest this?  Or was it M?  It’s of no consequence, either way.  Everyone loves ‘Sharpe’ and you can’t knock the way he fought his way up the ranks to being a hero at Waterloo.  What a star.  He’s defeated numerous enemies.  He always get the girl (even if she does turn out to be a wanton slapper).  If Mounties were from Yorkshire he’d be showing them how it was done.  And the “I’d better sleep in the barn from now on” scene….WOW!

By the way, he fights for glory coz he doesn’t give a Kate Moss about wisdom or religion.

The Minions

Under these Generals serve the Minions.  The current troupes of minions can be found here and we are still accepting nominations via email...Do you have a hero or heroine that you would like to see defending Salamandertron? Let us know...