RARE FINDS

The following film is so bad that SCP has to acknowledge it as a "Rare Find." When compared to any real film, you'll see just how bad it is, but something about it makes me watch it over and over again.

Many people don't understand why I love this movie... it's because this is, by far, the funniest movie I've ever seen. No one can write the kinds of jokes that this film has, because it's all unintentional. Well, I hope for the souls of the filmmakers that some of it was deliberate, but for the most part, it's all just so bad it's funny. Director D'Amato (who uses the name Drago Floyd) is the famed director of all those Emmanuelle movies and a whole buttload (pun intended) of porn films. Same goes for the screenwriter, and so that explains why the dialogue is so very, very, very bad. But the actors, who have pretty much ONLY ever been in Troll 2, are the worst I've ever seen. Ever. You could walk in front of a camera and wave and look like friggin Anthony Hopkins compared to these people. I'm laughing now just thinking about it.

The plot, if you can find it, is about some family, made up of Dad, Mom, Big Sister, and snotty, whiny little kid, who for some unknown reason drive down to the town of Nilbog to spend time in 'small town life.' Meanwhile, the big sister's dumbass boyfriend and all his dumbass friends have their own car and kinda follow 'em down there. Once they arrive, both parties are terrorized by weird tree ladies and forced to eat... green jello, and cake with green icing! (Oh No!) The desired effect is that once eaten, they will turn into plants and then the badguys that run the town can eat them. The townsfolk are goblins, and even though they live in the middle of the friggin woods, they need to turn unsuspecting people into plants so they can survive.

Oh yeah, in case you didn't already pick up on this, the monsters are goblins, and the town is Nilbog which is goblin spelled backwards. The filmmakers were so clever, in fact, that they created these sly little things to throw us off the subject of the goblins themselves, which are terrorizing a movie that the title suggests is about trolls. Or are trolls and goblins the same thing, it's never really sure. The only thing I'm sure of, is that the kid looks like he's constapated throughout the entire film. He even talks like he's taking a shit. No wonder he was never in anything else. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that the ghost of the dead Nazi grandfather lives in the mirrors of the farmhouse the family is staying at, and tried to help the kid unravell the mystery of the town.

Told you this movie is bad, and you really do have to see it to fully understand it's humor. I've already talked one friend into buying it off of Amazon.com, and he was completely satisfied with his purchase, and I'm pretty sure everyone will find this an enjoyable if not life changing experience.

If I haven't sold you yet on rushing out to find this movie, here's one last thing to leave you with. The family enters the farmhouse, and on the table is all of the green jello and stuff. The kid knows that if they eat it, they turn into plants, so instead of throwing it away or something, he does the greatest thing ever done in a movie, he stands up on the table in front of his family and pees all over it. The family, naturally, was quite pissed off... Go see it, it's so bad that you HAVE to.

Garth Simmons