Words
Charlotte
Unsworth
RATING: PG13
CATEGORY: Donna/Sam, SamAngst
SPOILERS: Vague WKODHTB
SUMMARY: "It *is* a mistake. I wonder how many times
I will have to think it to convince myself to believe it."
DISTRIBUTION: Just let me know.
FEEDBACK: Love it or hate it, either way please tell me.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a sequel to "Insensibility". Many thanks once
again
(!) to Toni for the great beta.
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"So then she turns to me, and she says, 'I'd
like to introduce you to my date.'" The
others at the table burst into laughter at
the story I have heard many times before.
I smile to see Donna laughing - it feels
like the last time was forever ago. She
catches me looking and glances away,
standing to get another round of drinks.
I'm actually glad to be here. Taking Josh
out for a drink to celebrate his being
back at work was CJ's idea. She
said it would cheer him up, and we all
needed to get out. She's right; we haven't
done this since before the shooting and
it feels good. Josh, at least, looks
to be having fun.
"I can't believe you managed to get Williams
on board," Toby comments to CJ unexpectedly.
"What did you have to do, sleep with him?"
Josh emits a snort of laughter as she tries
to look disapprovingly at Toby, failing
miserably.
"No shop, Toby." She glances around and
lowers her voice conspiratorially. "But
whatever works." Even Toby cracks a smile
at that. "Anyway, he's dating, uh..." she
waves a hand, trying to think. "Toby, help
me out."
"Why do I care?"
"She's a friend of Andrea's, long blonde
hair...big fundraiser." CJ is still the
only one who can talk about Toby's ex-wife
without him staring at the floor and
muttering excuses before hurrying away. As
it is, he settles for staring into his
drink.
"Lydia Hamilton." Josh and I both stare
at her.
"That's like...Donna dating Sam!" I hear Josh
say it and freeze, the laughter dying in
my throat. And of course this is the
moment Donna returns with the drinks.
"What?" she asks, a little too sharply and
almost by instinct my eyes meet hers.
"Lydia Hamilton's seeing Senator Williams,"
Toby informs her as he reaches for his
drink. "The idea is insane." He glances at
me and I swear his comment is directed at me.
"Oh." She sits down, quiet.
"I gotta go." I feel awkward here now, and
the mood has become tense - at least to me.
I know Donna is avoiding looking at me, and
Toby is focusing intently on his drink while
CJ looks around, confused at the sudden
change of mood. "See you tomorrow." I can
feel them staring after me, but right now
I don't care.
::-------------------::
The Potomac's beautiful at midnight.
It's a clear night, and the moon is reflected
on the still water. It's nights like this that
I remember why I wanted to be a writer, to
capture moments in time like this.
I don't know why I'm here, it's not as though
I make a practice of coming to sit by the
river in the middle of the night and ponder
my mistakes.
It *is* a mistake.
I wonder how many times I will have to think it
to convince myself to believe it. It's what I
told Donna, it's what I told myself and logically
I know that to try to pursue any kind of a
relationship with her will lead nowhere. But right
now it's *this* that feels like the mistake.
If it weren't for Josh, I would tell her that. I
would tell her I want to try for something more
than this - limbo - we're in. Not friends like we
were before, but not more than friends. If it
weren't for Josh, I would tell her to forget any
political implication or problem it might cause.
It's our lives and it has no bearing on our ability
to do our jobs.
Do you get the feeling I've practised that speech?
Every time I begin to think about it I know the
political implications aren't the problem. Because
there's always that phrase in there somewhere. If it
weren't for Josh.
If it weren't for Josh, neither of us would be
here. I'd be a lawyer, a rich partner by now and
married to Lisa. But I think I'd be unhappy because
every day I would have to go to work and do a job
that meant compromising everything I believed in.
Donna would be - god, I don't know. Married with kids
somewhere in Wisconsin maybe. She wouldn't be this
confident, self assured woman that she is now - it
wasn't who she was when she joined the campaign,
and working for Bartlet changed her. Working for Josh
changed her. Neither of us would be in the White
House. And we wouldn't have ended up together that
night if it hadn't been for him.
I could write you a list right now of a hundred
reasons not to be with Donna and about half of them
would be Josh related.
That's he's in love with her would be number one.
He told me. He came to my office and told me that
he was in love with Donna. He came to me because
it's what he's always done and he had no reason
to doubt that this time should be any different.
::-------------------::
"Toby wants to see you," Cathy informs me as I
brush past her into my office. I stayed at the
Potomac, just staring into the near-black water
until realising that I barely had time to go
home to shower and change before I had to be
at work.
"When?"
"Ten minutes before senior staff."
"When's senior staff?"
"Five minutes ago". Dammit. I swear to god, there
are just some days nothing goes right and I am
certain this is about to be one of them. And it's
only five past nine.
Everyone is already in Leo's office when I arrive.
I had held out some vague hope that Josh would be
later than me. Instead, he looks hungover but he
is here. Leo doesn't even interrupt what he's saying,
while CJ glances up at me. I know she is wondering
about the fact that I was last to leave last night
and I am last here this morning.
I hope nothing important is said during the course
of this meeting, because honestly I only hear about
half of it. Twice I realise I'm talking and somewhere
in the back of my mind I'm dimly impressed that I
can coherently argue a point when I have no idea
that I'm even speaking at the time. At least I
assume it's coherent arguing; no-one calls me on it.
::-------------------::
I'm only in my office five minutes before Sam appears
in the doorway.
"You wanted to talk to me?" I close the lid of my
laptop as I grab my jacket.
"Take a walk with me." Usually that phrase would
imply walking down a corridor or into another room.
Instead, we head out to the gardens. Sam evidently
uses his great detective skills to deduce that this
is decidedly not me.
"Toby, you realise we're going outside now, right?"
"Yes."
"Why would that be, exactly?"
"This isn't an office conversation." I don't believe
he has any idea what I want to talk to him about. Can
he really be that slow witted? Don't answer that. I may
say those kind of things about Sam, but you may not. Are
we clear? Good.
He's quiet as we walk, obviously waiting for me
to tell him what we're doing.
"What was that last night?"
"What?"
"You ran out of the bar,"
"I didn't run. I only run at the gym."
"You hurried. You fled, skedaddled, left abruptly,
whatever. You left early yet somehow you're into work
late. Last night wasn't the greatest exercise in
subtlety I've ever seen, Sam."
"I don't understand."
"You have to be able to *work* with her, Sam. It was
fine when she was away all the time but now you two
will be in the same office every day and if last
night is anything to go by, you won't be able to
do it."
"Toby..." We come to a stop, facing one another.
"If Josh has to ask the question, it's going to
hurt everyone more than if you just tell him
about you and Donna." His face is a picture at
this instant. He didn't realise just how transparent
he is, did he?
"I should tell him?" We start walking again.
"Yeah. He'll figure it out eventually, and it will
seem more important if it's a secret." Something
occurs to me. "You might want to leave out when
it happened, unless he asks directly."
"How do you know?"
"I saw you both at the hospital. You arrived at the
same time, Donna mentioned you'd told her I called.
You live forty five minutes from GW and it took
you thirty. She lives closer, and I don't think
you took the time to pick her up and then go to
the hospital." He looks away. I can't tell what
he's thinking; is he ashamed to have been caught,
or relieved? "I'm the only one who knows that, but
if you two act as guiltily as you did last night..."
"We're not guilty." He says it so softly that I barely
hear him.
"What?" We're back at the White House already; too
soon.
"Uh, I'll talk to Donna and we'll tell him."
"Sam..." he's already hurried into the entrance hall
and is heading back to his office.
"It's fine, Toby," he calls back over his shoulder.
He sure moves fast for someone who only runs at the
gym.
::-------------------::
I hate it when Toby's right.
I know we should tell Josh, I've known since I though
about it with any kind of clarity that he deserves to
know.
I just don't know how to do it.
Hey, Josh, you know when you were dying in hospital?
Well, that same night I went out and slept with your
assistant. Yeah, the one you're in love with.
Words are supposed to come easily to me. I'm a writer,
for god's sake, I should be able to express myself
clearly and without this - *blankness* - that comes
whenever I try to picture this conversation. More
than that, I'm a lawyer. A lawyer's nothing without
a strong argument and the ability to use words
fully. Any lawyer who is routinely speechless
will soon find themselves out of a job. And I've always
been able to talk to Josh, always. Even when we were
doing different things, in different cities with
different people. We may not speak for months
but when one of us did pick up the phone it was as
though we'd only seen one another the day before.
I've never not been able to speak to him.
I just can't find the words tell him this.
I think perhaps the problem is I don't want to
tell him that I slept with Donna.
I want to tell him that I slept with Donna, and I want it
to be more than a one night thing.
How on earth do I find the words for that?