I write this not only as part of my healing

but also there are sections that I have written

to my biological parents and my nanny

I am an adult child of socialite,

stainless steel parents and a survivor of extreme child abuse.

Over the years I have been through a lot of therapy.

Although for me I personally found it did not help me,

due to feeling that these people have no idea just how we really feel

and are to quick to blame our depression and void of life

and feeling to a book and prescribe medication for what they find fit.

I did not personally feel comfortable opening my lungs

and pouring out all my abuse I endured over the years,

I was in the stage of no one has any clue what it was like for me,

and I did not want them to point and make me feel

more shame than I was already subdued to.

Fear being the biggest issue and I still have days

where that fear walks with me in the scars of my abuse.

My therapy started in Rehab for drug and alcohol abuse,

it was then they knew my addictions were from a very dark hidden past.
A past I hated so much that haunted and plagued my days

to the point I had no desire to live.

My drug friends were slowly dying around me

I had seen some horrific deaths , gruesome

enough to make me want to put myself into rehab ,

deep down I really didn't want to die

I wanted to be free,

I wanted to be loved,

I didn't want to die their way,

where no one knew or cared.

I needed the rehab to break and come down off my addictions,

I wanted what I believed was a normal life that we all deserve
I have come to an acceptance of myself

and with will and determination

I am where I am at today.
I am not totally free of my past and

I know as time goes

I will face it all a little by little step by step.

The scars will always remain

 I will be able to stand free of chains of abuse

that tortured my heart , body, and mind.

But I will never forget!

Being socialites with an unwanted child

in a world where things come and go at ones disposal

where money and power hold a lot of influence

and to stay accepted without scandal amongst others in their circle

played a major role in the physical and emotional abuse perpetrated upon me by both parents and my nanny.

Let me start with my "feelings" about being abused.

From early infancy through the time

I left home in my late teens ,

I was in a constant state of fear and terror.

I was afraid for my life.

In fact, I never thought I would have a future.

I was beaten and tortured physically and emotionally.

At rehab when forced to sit in group therapy

the stories of abuse inflicted upon these other people

they had their similarities

yet in many it sounded as what was

inflicted upon me on my parents "good" days.

I felt ugly and dirty

not only was there emotional scars to endure

but physical ones also.

I was lonely and insecure and my parents solved all things

with buy her this buy her that 

get her a thousand pretty dresses, and shoes

she must never say a word to anyone.

I was so desperate for their love,

it was the only thing their dirty stinking money could not buy.

My parents’ pastime was to torture

and take from me what ever their sick minds desired.

I learned to block things out and became numb.

Does anyone know, who hasn’t been extremely abused,

the sheer terror of just surviving till the next day?

I was never allowed to express feelings.

To some it seems like no big deal to just write down "feelings".

When you have experienced abuse it is not so easy.

I was never allowed to speak unless spoken to as a child,

and God forbid - if I should show any feelings.

I was subjected to humiliating acts, laughed at,

betrayed and controlled by my parents.

I was made to feel shame for BEING something bad,

not for DOING something bad.

I used several defenses -

denial of my feelings,

denial of my pain,

 psychic numbing.

I have a few memories of the times before the age of 6,

I remember longing to play outdoors,

to run an jump and play,

but always it was under the watchful eye of my nanny,

she was everywhere she was cold and showed no emotions,

but I knew no different at the age and below.

I remember every available chance I could get to jump in puddles

but the punishment for dirtying my clothes

became more torture than plain punishment and scolding.

I remember my father taking my hand

and leading me to a big puddle

Understand I was no older than 6

and he said look carefully into the puddle and what do you see,

I looked from my father to the puddle and said the sky,

he said good girl, I was happy I got it right

although I had no idea what was coming,

he then said look up there and pointed to the sky

he said can you reach it

and I stood up on tippy toes and could not

and then he tried , he told me the sky is to far away to reach ,

he pulled me back down close to the puddle

and said you cannot reach the sky

so if you keep jumping in puddles you will fall

and never stop falling because the sky is to far away

from that day on I walked around any puddle

scared I was going to fall in.

Being so young

and not being able to understand

and comprehend this fully or say anything to stop it,

it is most intimidating, worse yet, its being brought to your knees

this brought on horrendous feelings of despair.
I learned to play pretend,

and to deny and hide my feelings.

Iwas robbed of all my dignity and self-worth.

I felt like my parents tried to kill my soul.

There is a deep and wrenching pain to overcome

from being abused by both parents -

a sense of ultimate betrayal.

You feel dirty, you feel like screaming and yelling

and hollering in terror,

but you dare not.

From the age of 7 my father became the monster in my life
The monster is not under the bed
As you would expect any child to imagine
Instead I am curled in fetal position
Hiding in the bedroom closet
For while the light is dim from the moon
The shadow in the doorway is all too real
The terrorizing monster—my dad.
I pull falling clothing over my small body
Hoping he is too tired to seek his "little princess"
Praying I can escape the violations
I tremble and plead as he pulls me dragging to my bed

please daddy don't hurt me as silent tears washed down my cheeks
with the back of his hand he would wipe them dry

he would whisper words and tell me it was his right

and to not be scared and that mommy would take me shopping

to buy me a new dress and pretty things.
His hands would go all over my little body

as he took my nightgown off me and violated my body.

The pain, the burning and tearing inside my body

was like white fire consuming every part of me

the tears would roll down my face

and his hand over my mouth muffled my sobs and screams of pain.
Many times when this happened I had seen my mother and nanny through the gap where the door was ajar.
In my mind I began to believe this was normal punishment for anything

I had done wrong, because it was never stopped.
I was rewarded with beautiful things each time my father violated me.
I have lived for another day

at times I feel it will be my last,

there is no security with daylight
cause the monster of the night

even seeks his prey by day

To my mother
You never knew what I was about
You never cared about my feelings

or the pain you inflicted upon my fragile tiny body
when you would strap my body

like beating the dust out of an old mat
or when I was hungry and took a cookie

how you would hold my hands over the hot plates of the stove

and burn my fingernails off,

how when the wine consumed your demented mind

more than it was

to the point of where you had to use knives on me,

you broke my bones then keep me home from school

till they were not so bad to be seen or covered

Your wasted excuses of how she hurt herself

how your cold stare warned me not to breathe a word

when seen to by doctors

I was forced to repeat your lies of what happened.
How my fear held me back from telling them

that my mother did this to me.
You never cared about my dreams,

you wanted me to be all you were not,

I was to live your dream if I even lived long enough.

You never said a kind word to me, unless we were out in public,

shopping for what you needed to make you feel good.
You abused me emotionally and physically.
You told me I was garbage ,

You told me you never wanted me
You told me I should kill myself ,

You told me I wasn’t worthy of life.
You never loved me because you never knew me.
How I always wished I could have a mother’s love
To be held once by a caring mother ,
To be shown love and not abuse.
Well, I am not garbage ! I’m not trash !
I wasn’t born to be abused !
I was not at fault !

your love was for money!

you loved my fathers wealth !

and even after all the years you both lied to me

allowing me to believe you were my real mother

when you were not and my nanny was,

how the few pictures I ever saw of me as a baby

were of me and my nanny, never you!
But I belong here—and you will get all you deserve
you don’t know me.

I care about people,
I’m compassionate

I’m loving,

I have dreams
I am morals,

I have spiritual values.
I’m everything you could never be and more

My Nanny,

How she stood back and went along with you both,

Oh I see why now,

The family could not deal with the public scandal

so she was rewarded with her freedom and money too

just like you mother

you let greed rule your lives in the publics eyes

you all robbed me of my childhood.

Your lives are nothing and never will be,

I am "free" from the stainless steel life

and the perfect image you portrayed to your socialite friends.
You all will never know true self worth.

I cannot have children of my own

through the abuse and violation inflicted upon me over the years

by all of you,

my body was ruined and torn in so many ways,

beyond repairable.

See the little child the pure sweet innocence

and unconditional love she gives.

EVERY child, every gift of love is given to us with this pure innocence

and unquestioning love,

how could we want to hurt them?

How can we stand by and allow others to hurt them?
The fact is that so many do and that child abuse is the worst of all crimes. When a child is being abused often someone knows or suspects.

The child is learning to keep a cruel dark secret that is so damaging but someone often DOES know or suspect something is going on.

The child's behavior changes in ways we can see if we don't pretend not to, if we don't avoid our pain, if we look, accept and act.

What is child abuse? Child abuse can be physical beatings, sexual or emotional cruelty.

The most obvious kinds of abuse are physical beating

and sexual abuse but emotional abuse is so damaging.
Physical abuse beatings, starving, physical neglect and sexual abuse are cruel and vicious crimes... So too is emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse can be deliberate, subconscious or both.

It is the systematic diminishment of another person.

Love and respect are the birth right of every one of our children to deprive them of this is emotional abuse.

Emotional abuse and many children are told terrible things day in and day out until they have no self love, self worth or self respect.
Children are being abused at all ages in every country in the world.

Child abuse is so damaging, the physical scars can last a lifetime,

the emotional scars do last a lifetime.

Abused children can physically heal,

the abused child can emotionally heal in time and often does not.

The abused child can with help move on,

the abused child does not forget.

Abuse scars the heart and damages the soul.

It destroys the child's self concept

leading them to think they are no good and unworthy

and can lead to extreme difficulty in any close relations with others. Abused children can follow a life pattern of being abused believing this is what they deserve in life, that is their own fault.

It is not.

Abuse can lead to substance abuse,

alcohol and or drugs

and a life time or treatment

for the symptoms and not the cause.

We have it instilled in us as children not to talk to strangers!

To keep them safe from harm.

Yet child abuse is rarely perpetrated by strangers,

it is usually someone the child knows and trusts,

someone we know and trust..

Parents abuse children, brothers, sisters, grandparents, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, baby sitters, youth leaders, church leaders, neighbors and family friends are statistically more likely to be a child's abuser than a stranger.

My life ended up going a different road

to

drugs and alcohol

which I will write about in my next entry

All Content copyright © 2007  Samantha Heart