"Whoever wins...we lose."

Alien vs. Predator (2004): 3/10

Poster (c) 20th Century Fox

I suppose Hollywood will never run out of movies, especially horror movies. Not only can they make endless sequels (there's been 10 Friday the 13ths?), but they can also have the characters fight each other in new movies (such as Freddy vs. Jason). That's the case with Alien vs. Predator, two characters that are both owned by 20th Century Fox who couldn't meet in real life but meet in an underground pyramid underneath Antarctica. Add into the mix a half dozen random characters played by people no one has ever heard of (save Sanaa Lathan and Lance Henriksen), as you guess the order in which they'll die. Sounds like a fun time, eh? Uh, yeah, if you're a masochist.

A group of supposedly experienced adventurers (we see a few of them in various exciting activities in the beginning) travel down to Antarctica to see the aforementioned pyramid that is just found 2,000 feet underground. It turns out that both the aliens from the Alien series and the Predators from the Predator series fight each other. The humans are caught in the midst, as they try to escape. Stupidity ensues.

The whole plot is convoluted and stupid. These characters (who we don't care about at all) don't really do much for half of the runtime as we see glimpses of the title characters, when they attack for no reason at all. Then, halfway through, it turns out that some alien hieroglyphics (that humans can read quickly) are found in the pyramid and tell the complete history of the creature that created the pyramid (and more). It's quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever seen...EVER! And then one of the creatures help the humans destroy the other...aargh. It's just so absurd that it crosses the "it's so bad it's good" line to "it's so bad it's bad." All of this is the fault of writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson (who is credited in three SEPARATE credits, in a row, in the ending credits). His script is generic Hollywood bullplop, the kind you can get for a dime a dozen by any writer waiting tables in Hollywood. The directing is strictly PG-13 and MTV-quick cuts and cut aways as soon as a character's about to die, destroying what people liked about the Alien and Predator movies. By keeping it PG-13, it can get more people into the audience, but it takes out the language and the gore that the fans of the respective series liked so much about those movies.

All of this could be overlooked if it did its job: thrilled, or even entertained. Alien vs. Predator did neither. The only part that could be considered thrilling is the music, which could be found anywhere. And the most entertaining part of the movie is when I found myself laughing at how stupid the whole thing is. The action's incomprehensible because everything's the exact same color, and most of it's computer generated, which makes it basically uninteresting. Going back to Anderson's script, there's at least three or four elements stolen from other movies. There's a complete quote stolen from True Romance, a scene stolen from The One, the whole concept of the pyramid stolen from Cube...the list goes on and on. Something this unoriginal can't be exciting anyway. And it isn't. The whole movie's not worth it. Even if Alien and Predator movies are your six favorite movies of all time, don't see Alien vs. Predator.

Rated PG-13 for violence, language, horror images, slime and gore.

Review Date: August 15, 2004