"It is better to have loved and to have lost than never to have loved at all." I don't know
who wrote that, but I'm starting to get an idea of what that means. Let me tell you about a story.
It's not a pure love story, the two main characters don't end up with each other. It's not a tragedy,
no one kills themselves or anyone else. It is a story of discovery, of a guy who learns the pains of
that one first love, and of the joys that can come from it. It is a story we all have, at one point,
experienced, whether it be once or many times. And, lastly, it is a story of how good and bad life
can be, all at the same time. In the end, you might cry, or you might laugh. But, until then, let your
mind relax and think back to a time when you weren't sure of yourself. When you were so worried
of what your friends thought, when you wanted to fit in with the main crowd. And when you met,
for the first time, a person who you wanted to be with voluntarily all the time. Think back to high
school . . .
I
It was the middle of Art Jones's Sophomore year in Bishop D'arcy High school. Art was, by
all means, a fairly typical student. He had fairly immature friends, as most high school boys do.
Never studying much, he always seemed to get good grades without trying. Granted, they weren't
straight A's, they were still good for putting no effort into school. He was part of the school band,
making him, by default, outside the social mainstream, which was fine by him. This, in turn, made
him quite pensive around anyone other than his friends.
This whole thing started one day, as he was sitting in the bandroom. As was his custom, the
5' 9" Filipino was sitting on one of the heaters in the room. Being an old building, the heating was
achieved through the use of water boilers, making the duct in each room substantially large, for they
accommodated the pipes necessary to transport the heat. It was on one of these ducts that Art was
presently sitting on.
The jazz band had just finished practicing and the room was full of the usual loud,
obnoxious raucous associated with many high school people hanging out in one room with nothing
else to do than bother each other. Art tried to listen as best he could to the piano player, who was not
the main piano player, but a guy who wanted to be. This boy tried as best he could to look good in
front of everyone, even though no one was listening to him, save for Art.
Then an interesting thing happened. This freshman girl, who Art had noticed before as the
sister of one of the upper classmen, jumped up onto the register and sat next to him. She, like her
sister, had short, blond hair and blue eyes. Art never thought much of her, since he was on hormone
overdrive, he usually noticed girls older than himself, namely the more developed ones. The only
thing Art remembered about Christina Moll (that was her name, Andrea being the first name of the
older sister) was that she had the biggest, brightest smile he had ever seen. Later on, this smile
would do him in completely, but that is for later.
Art was surprised by this, and even more surprised by what followed next, a conversation.
"Hello," she said. She always seemed to speak very cheerfully to match that fairly high
pitched voice of hers.
Art replied, "What's Craig (the guy on the piano) trying to do?"
"I don't know."
A short pause followed, then she asked, "Are you going to the game this Friday?"
"Naw, are you?"
"No."
"Is there a dance afterwards?" Art asked
"I don't know. Do you go to those?"
"No not anymore."
"Yeah, they kind of suck."
"I know. Besides, they never play any songs I dance to. I do ballroom."
"I usually stay home on Friday nights."
"What do you do?"
"My family always watches a classic movie. It's kind of a tradition."
"Have you seen Breakfast at Tiffany's?'"
"No."
"Oh, it's a great movie."
"Really?" she smiled. By this time Art was falling fast.
"Yeah. It's what people call a chick movie.' It's a great love story."
Christina smiled and nodded. Then, another short pause.
Christina broke the silence. "I'm thinking of dying my hair darker."
Art took a good look at Christina's face and saw for the first time how really stunning she
was. "I can't imagine you with darker hair."
"It wouldn't be that much darker. It'd be like my sister's shade."
Art nodded in understanding.
At this point, others joined in the conversation, namely, guy's who obviously wanted to get
Christina's attention. And so, Art just let them, and he was eventually forgotten about, Christina
being stolen away by those immature things (they took her shoe and she ran after them to get it
back). Even so, the conversation had a profound effect on Art. He now had a full blown crush on
this girl. Not that he hadn't had one before, just this time, he wanted to remember it. So, he
recorded all his thoughts about her on paper, whatever paper he could find, and hid them in his
bedroom.
The rest of his sophomore year was fairly uninteresting. The most vivid thing he could
remember was his unending thought of that conversation with Christina and how he could further
the relationship. However, Art knew it had no chance. They were total opposites in the social scene.
Yet, he still sent her an anonymous Valentine's day carnation and tried to do little things like smile
at her every once in a while. He kept track of her love interests, for she was a very social girl and
was constantly looking for that one right boyfriend. It tore Art's heart out that she couldn't find
him. She cried every time a boy would dump her or she would find out the relationship wasn't all it
had been cracked up to be. It made Art feel worse that he couldn't comfort her like her friends did.
So he did something he had done before but never really did seriously until now: write.
He wrote poems that he would never send to her. But, the culmination of his release was his
conceiving of a short story. A short story of a vigilante in the same vain as the comic books he read.
The main character always had a female friend/love interest and Art's hero had one too, her name
was Christina Moll. And so, the epitome of Art's sophomore year was finishing his little, twenty
page short story. His feelings had an outlet at last. But, she didn't know he was alive, and that
would eat him up for a long time.
II
Junior year, another year gone by. Art was now 17, turning 18 in the winter. At this point,
Art had started to discover something about himself that he never knew before: he had a mind. Yes,
we all know we do, but do we ever use it? Not until a certain point, and Art had reached that point,
an enlightenment if you will. Of course, this enlightenment he had was the result of Art's experience
with something, or more specifically, someone. And that someone was his English literature teacher,
Mr. Bison.
Up to this point, no teacher had ever challenged Art to think subjectively. Everything was
all black and white, right or wrong. Mr. Bison taught Art that there were shades of grey out there,
that things can be right and wrong. Art learned how to look at all art, whether it be literature or
paintings, and see everything they can be, and it was like a breath of fresh air. Art started to learn
how to think and reason for himself. Mr. Bison was, for Art, the best teacher he had ever had and
would ever have.
Also, at this point, another revelation happened to Art: he got a girlfriend. Her name was
Sarah Tackett, a petite brunette haired girl who was a friend of Art's friend's girlfriend. Art met her
at a school dance and the two hit it off right away. Art never officially asked her for a relationship,
but it was one. He met, for the first time, a girl he could talk to and be with while actually enjoying
each other's company. Over the course of his junior year, Art would call her almost every night and
he took her to all the major school social events (dances, Homecoming, Christmas formal, sporting
games, etc.). Interestingly enough, Art never kissed her on the lips. He'd give her a peck on her
cheek, but never a serious kiss. Maybe she didn't want to, or, as Art would realize later, he was way
to shy to make a move.
Art still thought about other girls (including Christina), but he didn't as much as he used to.
This gave him a greater sense of freedom. He was writing the last part of his story when he
contemplated an idea: he would kill off Christina in the story. This would give the story a perfect
ending and be realistic to his own life. There was no chance for that relationship. And so, he wrote
her off at the end of part three of his hero's trilogy story. He let his friends read it and got one
response in particular from a friend named Bob Tippmann. This was a perfect opportunity for Art to
show that he was over Christina.
"Art, I thought you liked Christina?"
"Yeah, but she's a bitch."
"Whoa-ho!"
"So I say forget her."
"Kill the bitch!"
"Yup."
Art thought he meant it at the time, but he later came to realize that it was only an attempt to
purge his infatuation with Christina. It worked for a while, but old habits die hard.
The end of his junior year was a down one. Art's relationship with Sarah was waning and he
knew he was boring her. So, he decided one night to stop calling her, which he did. Later, he would
regret that decision, but he couldn't change it. He had broken off his first true romantic relationship,
and he missed it. Also at the end of the year, Christina started having a relationship with a freshman
boy. Art, of course, noticed. However, he didn't think she would stay with him long. After all, her
relationships never lasted more than a month. But, he was wrong.
And so, the school year ended with Art back where he started: alone and miserable.
III
Senior year. The last year in this hellhole called high school. Over the summer, Art had
found a kindred soul in one of his friends. That friend's name was Jeff Cramer.
Art had begun taking Aikido (a martial art) classes with Jeff the last part of his Junior year.
He didn't want to feel lonely in the class, so he asked Jeff if he'd like to attend it with him. They
didn't really know each other at the time, all Art knew of Jeff was that he was a psychotic maniac
into death, killing, heavy metal, that sort of stuff. They had nothing in common except an interest in
combat. However, Art found in him a good friend.
After every class, they would go out and have dinner at a pizza place nearby. While there,
they would talk about everything on their mind. Art and Jeff let their imaginations go. They didn't
talk of anything shallow, like most normal teenagers did, but they talked of life, religion,
philosophy, human behavior, art, poetry, prose (writing in general, both their own and other author's
works), music, and last but certainly not least, the girls they hoped for. Art and Jeff found
themselves talking about almost anything and told each other many of their own secrets and desires,
faults and pet peeves. Art found in Jeff another mind like his, one with a lot of free will and open to
new ideas. They had little in common. Art listened to jazz and blues, Jeff listened to metal and the
like. Art was of and eastern culture, Jeff was a product of the west. Art played the saxophone, Jeff
played bass. And Art was a year older than Jeff. But, it didn't matter. As Jeff wrote in one of his
stories, "We think on the same level."
And so, senior year began with Art and Jeff being good friends and continuing to talk of the
usual things. Art soon discovered, much to his dismay, that he still had feelings for Christina, even
after what he did to her in his story. He tried once again to take his mind off of her, writing (poetry
and prose), practicing Aikido, and even finishing a novel. He drew great inspiration from his
depression. But, all of this didn't work. If anything, it made everything worse, since he also kept
track of her relationship with her boyfriend.
One day, in the middle of the school year, this culminated in something Art would never
forget. Christina came to school as usual and, at the end of the day, she started sobbing. Art, like
everyone else, asked if she was okay. She said she was, but for Art, it wasn't enough. He had to do
something more. On his way home from school, a crazy idea came to him: he'd call her and talk to
her. So, on his way home and after looking up her number, he finally built up enough courage to
call her up.
"Hello?"
"Is Christina there?"
"This is her."
"Hi, Christina. This is Art Jones."
"Oh, hi!"
"I was just calling to make sure you were okay. I mean, I saw you at school and I was kind
of concerned and all."
"Wow, thanks! That's so sweet!"
The conversation continued, and Art had his first talk with the girl of his high school dreams.
She talked of her problems with life, specifically because of why the world sucked and things with
her boyfriend not being too great. Of course, that last part gave Art hope, but he knew better. And
Art assured her that he'd be there to listen in case she needed someone to talk to, as if she didn't
already have a lot of other people she could talk to. But he wanted to make her feel better, and he
supposed it did. That much was obvious when she gave him a hug and thanked him the next day for
what he did. As you can imagine, Art was on a high.
Things had changed for Art. He had actually established contact with Christina and that
made him feel very good. However, it left an even bigger question to him: should he tell her about
his feelings? For a long time, who knows how long, Art put off the answer to that question. In the
meantime, he called Christina and they talked on a fairly regular basis. Plus, she started to actually
say hi to him and even smile in his direction, sometimes even tapping him to get his attention. It was
obvious that she was treating him like a friend at this point. Art was as happy as ever.
But, even though Art still hoped for a chance at becoming more than a friend, Christina still
had her boyfriend. Granted, their relationship was rocky, she made it abundantly clear that she
really liked him and wanted to continue their relationship. When that became painfully clear to Art,
he knew what he had to do. He had to tell her. He figured it was safe to tell her since she still had a
boyfriend and there was no chance for Art to do anything. So, one night after school and jazz band
practice, he waited until she was free to talk to break the news.
"Can we talk in private?"
"Sure."
The two walked to a remote corner of the hallway.
"How are you and Matt doing? You two okay?"
"Yeah. We're having some problems, but I think we're doing okay."
"That's good."
Short pause.
"So, where are you going for college?"
"Oh, I plan on going to Purdue, study engineering."
"That's where my sister went."
"Andrea?"
"Yeah, she's studying engineering too."
"Ahh. Are you going to follow her?"
"No. I think I'll probably go to IPFW for a couple years. I don't think I could handle all the
freedom."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I'd probably get involved with someone just to piss my mom off."
"Your mom's really that strict?"
"Yeah."
Short pause as Art gathered his strength. Here it goes, he thought.
"Christina, I have something to tell you..."
"Hmmm?"
"...I...have, feelings for you..." He looked down. "...And, I've had them for a long time."
Christina just looked at him with no response for a short while, then she spoke. "I'm sorry."
Art looked up. "No, don't be. It's not you, it's totally me. I've had feelings for you for the
longest time. You wanna know how long?"
"Only if you wanna tell me."
"I don't." Short pause. "Well that's all I wanted to say."
And that was it. Art had done it, he had told the girl of his dreams about his feelings.
The next day at school, Christina had a headache and Matt was absent. Art took it as a bad
omen. He shouldn't have told. Would she ever speak to him again? Art suffered for the whole day
debating whether to keep talking with her. He decided he had to, no matter how much it hurt to do
it. And so, after a little bit of awkwardness which lasted days, he and Christina kept going where
they had left off. In fact, she surprised him a few times. Sometimes, she'd actually wait up for him
at the end of school to walk and talk him down to the band room. And sometimes, she'd wait at his
locker after lunch to have a little chat. This made Art all the more happy and gave him even more
hope. But, always at the back of his mind was the fact that she was already taken, and that gave him
more inspiration to write.
He wrote poetry, many of which she'd never read. However, the school newspaper had a
poetry contest and Art submitted some entries, one of which was a haiku of his feelings for Christina
(of course, not mentioning her by name). Turned out that poem made it into the paper and Art was
scared that Christina would see it. Later on, he found out she did see it and she cut it out of the
paper, asking him if it was about her and finding out that it was. He even let her read his superhero
story. After that, he wrote a new part to the story, finding inspiration from his hope.
One night, Christina gave Art a call. She was in tears on the other end of the line. Art tried
to be as patient as he'd ever been talking to someone and found out what happened. Christina had
broken up with Matt. Much to his surprise, she had called him afterward. He did his best to comfort
her and listen as she let go of her frustrations and depression. After all, he understood those
emotions very well. Art wished he could have been there physically to give a hug or something to
help. After a while, she calmed down and was able to go on without the tears.
Finally, it was Valentines day. Art decided that he should send Christina a valentine, this
time actually signing his name. He even wrote a little poem on the card. Art felt she could use a
little cheering up. When she got it, she gave Art a hug and a thanks.
Then came the biggest shock of Art's life so far. One night, while talking with Christina, Art
asked if she was doing anything after their Jazz band practice the next day (it was a half day). She
said no and, to Art's utter surprise, suggested that they go out on a date. Art had thought she was
joking and said so, but she was serious. So, Art suggested a place and their date was set. The date
was a nice, quiet one. They went to the same pizza place him and Jeff went to after Aikido and
talked while they shared a pie. Nothing dramatic or big came of it, just two people sharing each
other's company. If for nothing else, Art remembered it because his dream had finally come true.
However, dreams only last for so long before ending, and this one was no exception. In the
months afterward, Christina took their relationship no further. In fact, the sudden change in the way
she acted scared and depressed Art. She stopped smiling at him and saying hi while in school. Sure,
they still talked every week, but she kept talking of her frustrations with Matt, her old boyfriend.
She still loved him, and that broke Art's heart. But, Art took those feelings and channeled them
anyway that he could. He wrote poetry and stories for his creative writing class and picked up a new
instrument to play: the guitar. His favorite song quickly became "Tears in Heaven," finding it easy
to relate with the depressing lyrics.
The end of the year was quickly coming, which meant prom. Would Art ask Christina to it?
That question stuck to the back of his mind, even when he made plans for an anti-prom party with
friends. But, he would not decide. Turns out, someone from his own class asked her to the prom. It
was someone on the same academic team as she and turned out to be one of those "honors students."
You know, the ones who do well in school but, otherwise, know nothing. He was immature and
annoying to Art, but then again, he was a typical highschooler. And Art even told Christina his
opinion of him. In the end, Christina decided to go with him because her mom suggested that it
would be a great distraction from her thoughts of her old boyfriend. Thus, Art came to another
question, was he himself a distraction also? Either way, it didn't matter. He was not going to prom
with her. He went ahead and threw his anti-prom party and was back to the depression.
It was now the end of the year, and of Art's high school career. Time to get out of this
hellhole that was Bishop D'arcy High School. Art had time to reflect on his experiences,
specifically with you-know-who. The past six months of getting to know her and coming so close to
fulfilling his greatest dream were the best in his life so far. He had learned so much from those
experiences and other experiences. He was glad to have gotten to know Christina. Art believed she
was his first true love.
Art also came to some interesting conclusions. He decided he wasn't ready for any kind of
close relationship with any girl. He was too depressing, not fun enough, and ugly as hell. The only
thing he was capable of doing with a girl was talking with her. He didn't know jack about intimacy,
both physical and mental. He needed to improve himself first before even considering starting
another relationship. That, in itself, could take up the rest of Art's life, but Art decided that if he
should die a bachelor, that he not regret it one bit. And, finally, he would remember Christina. She
gave Art hope, and made him feel better than he'd ever been. She was proof that the world wasn't
such a terrible place after all. She showed Art the trials and tribulations of that one first love, and
that he did have a heart that could love and brake at the same time. He prayed to God that he could
keep all of this in his heart, until the time comes to once again experience it and share it with the
person he was destined to spend the rest of his life with, if that person ever comes along. Until then,
he would keep reliving these experiences through his stories, poetry, and in his memories.
Graduation came and went. To Art, it was no big deal at all, just the end of a really long
nightmare. Christina even attended it to see some of her senior friends who also graduated (Art at
this point didn't consider himself a friend of hers, more like a talking and listening partner). He, of
course, waved to her, but that was it, since she was being social and all. Yup, it was time to get out
of dodge, out of this conformist school.
With graduation and summer coming (not to mention college to look forward to), Art had
even more time to reflect on things. He would never see some of his friends again, but that didn't
bother him. He considered Jeff his only real friend and they would continue to be friends through
college, so that was secure. Otherwise, it was time to move on. Time to learn new things, meet new
people, and explore different options. Art felt free.
Him and Christina kept talking throughout the summer. Art, to his surprise, wasn't sure
how he felt about her anymore. He would quite possibly never see her again after summer's end.
Since the very moment he had told her of his feelings, in fact, since the moment of having those
feelings, Art had worked on purging them from himself. He knew the possibilities were nil and that
the only thing he could hope for was friendship, which he had given over these past six months.
Now that it was almost over, he didn't feel any regrets and knew the truth of their relationship, and it
had set him free. He wasn't positive, but he believed he was over her. No more feeling depressed
every time he saw her in the hallways. No more keeping track of her boyfriends and disliking them.
And no more delusions of what was and what could have been. Strangely, Art knew he could have
let go a long time ago, but didn't. These feelings he felt were something he didn't want to let go, but
found out that, slowly, they had left all by themselves. What a strange thing life is. Art had
come full circle and was back at the start, except this time, he had more knowledge and experience.
Even though Art's feelings went unrequited the whole time they knew each other, he was grateful
for getting to know her. Perhaps she found in him a friend, someone she could feel free to talk to
about anything. Oh well, one can only hope. Now came something he wasn't looking forward
to...saying goodbye.
But, as he had learned over the past couple of months, things change, and people change. He
knew he had changed a great deal, as did Christina. This was just another change he would have to
face. It didn't matter whether it was good or bad, he had to accept it, the sooner, the better. And
when that time does come, Art hoped he'd be a better person in the end. And he hoped he could
keep dreaming . . .
The End
"I laugh because, if I don't, I won't stop crying."
-?