SLASH: (the world of Tolkien): Real People Slash Stories: Excuses: I Never!

Pairings: (Deep breath) Dom/Astin; Billy/Astin; Astin/Viggo; Orli/Viggo; Dom/Bean; Lij/Bean; Astin/Dave; Astin/Billy; Astin/Lij; Viggo/Billy; Bean/Viggo; Lij/Astin (though not all pairings result in kisses)

Summary: A birthday party drinking game reveals a bit more than the cast intended, both to the others and to themselves.

Disclaimer: These stories are fictitious, for enjoyment of a select group of fans. They no way reflect on the REAL preferences of the 'characters' within, and I am making no money, profit or debt, off of it. If these were true, I would be making more money than that lady in the commercials, because I would be an incredible psychic!

Notes: Note, all pairs were randomly generated, except the last pair. All people who were required to spin were randomly generated, except the last spinner. In other words, everything was coincidence except the very last pairing.

Second Note: Thank you to my Beta, Beth, for the initial help. Thank you Gabby Hope for the advice for the revision. You both have been marvelous!

What a way to end such a hard week's filming. Most of the cast and crew had shown up to the party that Friday night, enjoying themselves and the weekend coming up. There had been laughter and loud conversation and well wishes for the birthday celebrant. Several hours of fun passed rather quickly and, finally, the room had all but cleared by the time one A.M. had struck. The party seemed to have been a success.

Elijah Wood grinned as he plopped down onto the floor, a nice light buzz going. He was glad PJ had stayed only an hour, for that meant the nineteen-year-old could enjoy himself without feeling like his director was disapproving. He stretched, arching his back cat-like, then slouched and grinned around at the few remaining actors in the room. "Lightning."

"Eh?" Dominic Monaghan looked up from a book he'd received as a present from Ian McKellen. He had just turned twenty-four and had celebrated by drinking as many toasts as everyone else thought they could reasonably come up with.

Surprised, Dom turned, as did everyone else. True enough, that December eighth night had turned harsher and fast, violent shafts of light ripped through the sky in the rainy wind which had sprung up. Thunder, barely noticed over the sounds of merry-making, echoed across the immediate silence. The birthday boy grinned and put his present on the floor, practically crawling a couple of steps before getting to his knees and shuffling to the window. He seemed enraptured by nature's display.

After only minutes, however, he glanced back to his friends and sighed. "Bored. What'll we do now?"

A chorus of laughter echoed in the warm room and Dom made a face, flinging an empty can at Billy. "No. Not going to let you, mate. S'bad idea."

"We could rewrap the gifts and hide them around the house for you to find." Viggo looked amused as he made the unusual suggestion.

Everyone stared at the tall American as if he'd floored them. It was a measure of just how tipsy the eight actors were that they would actually consider the idea. Finally, Sean Astin shook his head. "Not going to work, Viggo. Dom wouldn't be able to 'member them all."

"More like you wouldn't be able to rewrap them," came Sean Bean's amused quip. More laughter poured forth and Billy took the opportunity to fling the empty can at Bean. The man caught it and brandished it like a trophy.

Dom shook his head. "No, I don't like scavenger hunts. Something else." He looked around hopefully, eyes landing on Dave. David Wenham shrugged, content merely to sit and enjoy the congenial atmosphere in the room. As Dom looked at each man, he received negative answers of one form or another. Finally, with a sigh, he glanced to the last actor there: Orlando Bloom.

"Oh, don't tell me I'm the only one with enough brain cells left to think up fun ideas." Orli grinned and reached for Dom's empty bottle. "Fine, then, here's what we'll do. And," he looked up, brown eyes dancing, "since I'm the one who has to think of something... again... none of you are allowed to back out."

Dave looked suspicious. "What're we doing? I don't like agreeing to the unknown, Orli."

Orli laughed. "Nothing drastic. A party game is all. Of course, it takes a bit of intelligence, so if you can't handle that..."

When he left the sentence hanging, several of the others took immediate umbrage. Viggo shook his head, leaning back as if in preparation of refusing outright. Bean sat forward, to protest the slight to his intelligence level.

Astin merely shook his head and laughed. "So, we're too drunk for a party game? That, my friend, is a challenge. I'm in."

The tall Englishman nodded as the others agreed to play his game. The only one who didn't speak up was Viggo Mortensen. Finally, Orli turned to look at his friend. "Well? Brave enough?"

"That depends on what type of party game it is, Elf." With a shake of his dark head, the solid American leaned forward once more. "What's the game?"

"It's a drinking game called Excuses: I Never! It's loads of fun. Not too hard, either. What d'you say? Up for it?" Brown eyes fixed intently on blue as Orli waited for an answer.

"Oh, that one! I used to play that all the time in school." Dom grinned. He started enthusiastically explaining the rules. "You see it starts out with everyone having a full drink. First person clearly claims something he's never done before. Everyone who'd never done it agrees. Those who have done it, take a drink. If someone catches you lying, you finish your drink completely. Goal is to be the last one coherent."

Billy nodded his head. "It sounds fun. I can do that." The Scot grinned and turned to start filling everyone's glasses or to get them fresh bottles of whatever it was they were individually drinking.

Viggo frowned. "I get the I Never part, but what's the Excuses part?" He wasn't as easily taken in as the others, or he was less fun at a party. "Tell the rest, Dom."

"He's the birthday boy; we should play his game, Vigg." Lij passed a bottle to Viggo, who didn't refuse it despite his wariness.

Orli laughed. "The fun part is Excuses, mate. When you finish your drink, you spin your bottle. Whoever it points to has to kiss you. If he doesn't want to, he has to come up with a valid excuse within a minute." Orli grinned wider and held up a hand. "Thing is, each excuse can only be used once in a game, no matter who uses it. So it takes a lot of thinking to come up with something new."

With a frown, Viggo nodded. "Sounds like Truth or Dare fucked with Spin the Bottle, Orli. You sure this's a real game?" He settled back, however, as if agreeing to play this time.

Bean nodded, grinning. "Of course it's a real game, Vigg. I've played it at teenage parties before, as well. It's not as hard as it sounds. More often than not, you wind up passed out before you have to worry about people forgetting what excuses were used. I'm in."

"But there aren't any women here." Dave frowned. He frowned more severely when Astin quipped that he better have good excuses then. "Oh, you're still playing, Mister Married Man?"

"Sure. I think I can easily come up with at least half a dozen excuses not to kiss you guys." Sean Astin let Billy top his glass off. "But if you're worried, you can always drop out, Wenham."

"All right!" Dom stood and took his empty bottle back from Orli then had everyone scoot back to give it plenty of room for spinning. "Since most of us are using glasses, we'll just share the same bottle for spinning. I'll go first, since it's my birthday." And with that, the twenty-four year old Englishman looked deep in thought. It was just as Lij was getting restless that he came up with something. "I've never walked in on my parents having sex." He grinned proudly around as the others stared at him in surprise.

Orli laughed. "Nothing like starting off with a bang, eh, Sblomie? Well, neither have I, and I'm quite thankful for that."

A chorus of agreement rang out from most of those present. Lij sighed and took a drink, followed by Viggo, with a shrug. Astin frowned. "Does that exclude on-stage?" At the agreement, Astin drank anyway, apparently having just thrown the comment out for the hell of it.

Bean shook his head, groaning. "We didn't need to know that, Elwood. Astin was the last to drink, so now he says what he never did."

Sean Astin grinned and leaned forward. "I never kissed my brother on the mouth."

With a stunned blink, Elijah turned quickly. "What, don't you want someone else to drink?"

Laughter met that clever idea and only one person drank. Everyone stared at David as he brought the bottle away from his lips. "What? I was five." He glared at the increased glee. "My turn. I never kissed my sister on the mouth."

Interestingly enough, Orli and Billy both had to drink. Orli jumped in to take a turn. "I never hit my sibling." He looked very smug as everyone except Bean, Dom, and Viggo drank.

Billy sighed. "I was last? Okay... I... I never... I never played this before." He grinned and shrugged.

As the game progressed, the drinks slowly emptied and the group slowly grew more creative in their statements. Already, Dom and Billy had both had to spin. Both times, the bottle had wound up pointing to Astin, and both times he'd actually come up with acceptable excuses. The first one had been "Sorry, I'm married." The second had been "I don't kiss on the first date." Technically, they could have made Astin kiss Billy for that, but they'd thought it so funny no one pressed the issue.

Somehow, without a word spoken, the majority of the actors were trying to come up with things to make Sean Astin take drinks. It was an unspoken agreement that it would be funny as hell to see him sweat it out while the guy on the other end of the bottle tried to come up with a good excuse. The plot was working, as Sean had only a little left in his glass.

It was Lij's turn to make a statement, and he was a bit stumped. Finally, he shook his head. "Uh... I never... uh... I never... was a Goony!" He grinned triumphantly at Astin's scowl.

The only one to actually drink on that round was Sean Astin. There was no way out of it, since any one of them could pull out a recent interview he'd done claiming all of the young people acting in the movie The Goonies had officially taken an oath to be a Goony. "That was low, Lij," Sean grumbled as he finished off his drink and sighed, reaching for the bottle in the middle of the loose circle. With a deep breath, he gave the bottle a firm spin.

The laughter stopped, though smiles and amusement were still evident. Nobody moved as they watched the bottle spinning. It took a long time to finally stop and when it did, Sean Astin froze. He slowly raised his eyes, wide and deep green with consternation. His eyes met and locked with Viggo's blue ones.

The seconds ticked by, closer and closer to the time limit for the excuse. Viggo remained quiet, merely watching the younger actor with an unreadable expression. Time seemed to drag by and fly all at once. Finally, he nodded and stretched, leaning back against the couch behind him.

"I don't believe I'll kiss you, Sean. You're far too scared, and I don't prefer to force myself on you."

As the comment could easily shift the mood of the game to extremely uncomfortable, the tension starting to build needed breaking. Astin was the one to do so, not wanting his personal preferences to wreck Dom's party. With a laugh and apparently nonchalant shrug, he replied cheekily, "My loss; who's next?"

With a relieved smile, Elijah pointed to Viggo. "Your turn for an I never, Vigg. What haven't you done yet?"

Viggo nodded and looked thoughtful. Slowly, in his customary deep rasp, the American spoke, "I've never kissed an animal."

Surprise followed that statement and Orli grinned, thinking he'd caught out the older man. "Ah, but a pet? When you were a kid, man?"

"Not even as a kid with a pet. I never kissed any animals." His look dared anyone to continue defying his statement. Nobody pressed it, everyone but Viggo taking a drink.

"Well I am," Dom leaned forward. "I don't think anyone here's been to Russia, mate, so it's really a..."

"Fine," Dave glared at the younger actor. "For the sake of your birthday, I'll change the Never." He raised his hand to still protests coming from Orli and Lij. "I've never stole so much as a piece of candy in my entire life. That make you happy, Monaghan?"

Dom frowned and took a drink, exposing the fact that at some time in his youth he'd at least stolen candy, if not something worth more. Everyone except David drank, in fact, much to the disgust of Lijah, who apparently took the Never as something personal in his inebriated state.

"Thanks a lot. What're we doing here, baring our souls? This better not get out, guys."

Orli smiled and turned his drink upside down, proving that it was empty. He reached for the bottle, but bumped hands with Lij and Dom, who were also reaching for it. He nodded. "Looks like we get to wrestle for the bottle." He sounded excited.

"What?" Astin cleared his throat, bothered by the squeak he'd let out. He shook his head. "No one said anything about wrestling." He glared at Dom who began to giggle.

"Nah, no wrestling, Mate. We take turns spinning and kissing. Go ahead, Orli, you first." Dom leaned forward and slid the bottle towards the tall Englishman.

"Right, and here goes," the only actor playing an Elf in that group gave the bottle a hard spin. It was almost mesmerizing in its motion as light flashed off the clear glass spinning in the middle of the hardwood floor. It continued spinning for quite some time, in fact.

When it stopped, it was pointing to Viggo. The man laughed softly, watching Orlando. "Looks like I'm popular tonight." He studied the other man as the time ticked away, judging Orli's reaction. Finally, he leaned over and slid his hand behind the younger man's head, drawing him closer. "You want an excuse, Elf?" His breath was a whisper across Orli's lips.

The tip of a pink tongue darted out to wet lips, Orli's breath hitching in expectation. "Don't need an excuse, man." He tilted his head, gripping Viggo's collar and pulling him that last bit forward.

Their lips met and Orli's head started to spin. He smiled, not letting Viggo get away, drawing the kiss out. Orli worked his lips over Viggo's mouth, tasting the other man. He sighed in delight; it had been a long time since he'd started wanting this.

Astin made a slight choking sound in his throat and looked away, raising his glass to his lips for a sip. Lij's hand shot out to stop him, however, earning a thankful glance from his friend. There was no way Sean wanted his glass emptied any quicker than it had to be.

"Break it off. It's my turn to spin." Dom gave the bottle a hard flick and grinned as the pair of kissers reluctantly drew apart, Orli licking his lips to try to get every trace of Viggo.

When the bottle slowed to a stop, Sean Bean shook his head. He met Dom's eyes and shrugged. "Well, it can't be all bad, can it?" He leaned over and kissed Dom softly, quickly, then sat back with a smile.

With a surprised gasp, Dom flushed a bit. He looked stunned as Lij reached for the bottle. "No... not bad at all..." he sounded as shocked as he looked. He'd never really considered kissing a guy before. When he'd played this game in school they automatically spun again if it landed on someone of the same gender. The birthday boy withdrew into contemplative silence as laughter swept the room.

Wide blue eyes lifted. Lij was just as notoriously heterosexual as Astin, though in private conversations others wondered if that was just because the youngest of the group was too afraid to experiment. Now he was confronted with a co-star who had just finished kissing another male. There was no way he'd come up with an excuse to avoid kissing Lij. The young American swallowed convulsively.

Softly Sean Bean laughed as he leaned forward. "I don't bite, Elijah. Relax. It doesn't hurt... just a little kiss..." His tone was persuasive and Lij nodded, closing his eyes and tilting his head up.

This action met snickers from Dom and Dave, but Lij ignored them, waiting for the unknown feeling of having a man kiss him on the mouth. It wasn't as bad as he'd thought. In fact, like Dom said, it was not bad at all. He blinked his eyes open in dazed surprise as Bean pulled back with a gentle smile. "Wow..."

Viggo reached out and stopped Astin, who'd been so dazed he'd actually finished off half his wine. "Slow down, boy, you'll regret it in the morning if you're not careful." He met Astin's gaze steadily, tapping the glass gently with one callused, bruised finger. Sean gulped and nodded.

"My turn, then," Billy interjected. It actually wasn't certain anymore whose turn precisely it was to go, but no one contested the Scot, letting him move the game along. "I've never broken a bone before." The statement was almost anti-climatic after the round of kissing, but nobody complained. Drinks were had and the game went on.

Several rounds later, Dave was one of the few who were not drunk. Somehow, despite having emptied his glass twice more, Sean Astin had gotten out of kissing because he'd spun Dave, who had an excuse about not being interested in Astin, and Billy, who said he didn't prefer to kiss someone who'd been drinking wine so freely. They laughed and let that go as an excuse, as they knew Sean would enjoy the game more if he was simply let off the hook.

Now, David Wenham had the chance to get three guys to spin, if he could come up with the right statement to make them all drink that last sip. Eyeing his intended victims, Dave smiled. Something that connected both Seans and Viggo? Easy. "I've never had any kids."

With a groan, meant more for show than protest, Bean finished his glass off, smiling as Viggo and Astin also finished off their drinks. No one else drank, naturally. Astin reached for the bottle first, wanting to get the tension over with so he could enjoy the show.

He didn't question why he'd stopped thinking of men kissing as torture and started wanting to see it. Probably it was due to his being the drunkest one there. None-the-less, he was looking forward to seeing just whom Viggo and Bean had to kiss, almost hoping Orli would be involved. After all, of all the kisses that night, the hottest had been the one between Viggo and Orli early on.

When the bottle stopped spinning, Sean looked expectantly at his kisser, waiting for the seemingly inevitable excuse. It never came. Instead, Elijah leaned forward and cupped his friend's face, bringing their lips together amid a sudden hush over the room. Sean was too stunned to move. Taking this as encouragement, Lij slanted his head and deepened the kiss, tracing his tongue over Sean's lips, tasting the red wine and something that was inherently Astin. He started losing himself in the kiss and actually whimpered in protest when Sean gripped his arms gently and put him away.

The fact that Sean Astin was willing to relieve the tension with a joke relaxed everyone, especially as they knew how uncomfortable he must be. Most of them took this as nothing too seriously personal, just a lot of messing around. Astin, however, seemed to border on homophobic in a way, as far as they could tell, and that kiss must have been a real trial to him.

Preventing the silence from stretching too far, Viggo reached over and spun the bottle. He grinned wolfishly as Billy turned up as the kisser. "Well, Billy-boy, gonna make an excuse or kiss me?" His deep rasp visibly sent a shiver through the smaller man.

"I'm not afraid to kiss you, Viggo." Billy leaned over and planted a kiss on Viggo's mouth, brief but certainly a kiss. "Bean's turn, yeah?"

"My turn..." Sean Bean spun the bottle lightly, hoping to have it stop sooner and keep this game moving. It was getting late, and he had a feeling that shortly they'd be losing some of their members to exhaustion. After all, it had been a long shoot before the party. With a laugh, Sean met Viggo's eyes. "Well, I would have to say you are popular tonight, Vigg. C'mere so I can kiss you."

Viggo grinned and slid over, leaning into Bean's kiss and gripping the front of his polo shirt to prevent it from ending too quickly. Bean laughed and pulled back after a long moment, pretending to gasp for breath. "Now I see what Orli saw. Whoa!"

Orli smiled and licked his lips again. "I'm willing to give you a go, man, and see if you measure up to the ranger."

"Maybe..." Bean turned his slow smile to the younger man, watching in amusement as those chocolate eyes seemed to melt. "You'll have to earn it, though."

"We'll see, then, won't we?" And Orli tapped his chin thoughtfully, the ring on his forefinger glinting dully in the light. "Okay, got one. I never dodged a train."

Lij drank up, finishing off his drink. When the others turned to him in surprise, he shrugged and smiled a bit lopsidedly. "I'd just seen Stand By Me and wanted to see if I could do it."

The safety-conscious Astin shook his head. "You could have been killed, Lij. That..."

"Oh, let up, Seannie." Billy laughed. "He's probably learned not to be so stupid."

"Yeah, a bit late for whinging on now, mate," Dom pushed the bottle to Lij. "Getting tired. Last spin of the night, Lij."

Nodding, Elijah spun the bottle, watching in inebriated fascination as the lights sparkled and flashed off of the spinning glass. When it finally stopped, Orlando groaned. "Boring, man!"

Lij looked up already knowing by Orli's comment whom the bottle would be pointing to. His eyes met Sean Astin's surprised green ones. With a slight smile, Lij waited for the inevitable excuse. Instead, everyone was shocked when Astin finished off his own drink with a "What the hell..."

The man leaned forward, grabbed his co-star by the front of his loose T-shirt and yanked him off balance. As Lij fell towards Sean, their lips met. He tried to pull back, to straighten up, preparing to make light of the kiss, but he met resistance. Sean was still kissing him, his hand releasing the young man's shirt so he could gently cup Lij's face instead.

Lij was lost. With a groan, he responded, kissing his friend back. His arms came up around Astin's neck, holding on as he felt the world spin closer and closer towards desire. He broke the kiss when he realized his body was starting to respond in a more visible way than he'd wish.

No one was laughing. They merely looked stunned to have witnessed the two most heterosexual males in the cast kissing like long lost lovers. No one knew just what to say to break the awkward silence, which became more and more obvious.

Again, it was Sean Astin himself who broke the tension. He stood up and grabbed his jacket, shrugging into it. "Guess I win, huh?" And he was out the door, in the rain, before anyone could think of a reply.

FIN

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