The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They're lying. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, but no Cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first Cat to taste the coveted Bed Mouse!

This game must be played with at least one other Cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other Cats. Anything goes. This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account. A more extreme version of this is to stage a loud fight with another cat who is sleeping on the bed, which will immediately wake the sleeping humans into a state of confusion. If there is a dog sleeping by the bed, you can try to get it involved in breaking up the fight, which will add greatly to the confusion. This stunt will more than likely result in getting everyone expelled, so play it sparingly.

WARNING: Playing games 1 and 2 (especially the noisier version of 2) to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this Cat wins the round of King of the Hill.

Obviously, this game requires two or more Cats and may include a dog as well. One Cat is "it" and chases the others around the house until he catches up to one of them, making that Cat "it" in turn. The caught Cat who has become "it" then chases the others around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes "it" and should be piled upon by all Cats.

This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the humans' Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that's okay because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other Cat did it. This is related to another fun game, "Snowstorm", in which you try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be warned that this variant often results in the coming of the VACUUM MONSTER.

Dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified Cat MAY fetch a ball for its human; but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it. A small minority of Cats will fetch favorite toys like pipe cleaners, twist ties, or other small plastic things. They claim it's great exercise and doesn't deprive them of too much Dignity.

Any number of Cats can play. The game begins when the referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry Cat food is kept and executes a "place-kick." The player does this by attempting to kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue is allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl must be tipped, rocked, or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and in play, the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly as possible. This is accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front paws and running behind it as it moves. This is also known as the "kibble dribble". If the kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must attempt to put it back into play with a "corner kick."

If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is awarded a point. That player is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which one returns to the bowl to put the next piece into play. No points are awarded for kibbles that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches and other spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.

For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although round ones roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking up (usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree of ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles between self and the kibbles and resuming the game. The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten, are out of the playing field, or when a referee puts the player in the penalty box.

Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrrrt noises on the rugs. Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards. (Even more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are gained during this step. Two extra points if you get a yell from a judge.

Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Door stoppers that go SPROING-OING-OING when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the floor are best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex the device the better. Five points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP *If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again* ...

Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.

Step 4: Look innocent when the judges storm into room and turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. Five bonus points if another pet gets blamed. Seven points for style if the judges stub, trip, or completely fall over the objects knocked over!

This game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for reading. Run down a hallway toward the newspaper at full speed, leap onto the paper, and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements are best for this. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are going to play. It can be followed by a good round of "Catch Mouse" (newspaper variant). It can also be played on throw rugs.

It can take some time to teach the humans this game, but it is worth the effort. You need a curtain which reaches down to the floor (vertical venetian blinds will do). Hide behind the curtain and command the human to throw a small toy (really a mouse, of course) at it. The key part is to restrain yourself as long as you can to fool the human into thinking you aren't going to pounce. When the human reaches for the toy, attack the toy and kill it. Half the fun is in attacking the "mouse", the other half is in watching the human jump back to avoid getting his hand shredded.

Variation 1: Sometimes the curtain or blind magically transforms itself into a Curtain Monster, which must be killed immediately! Grab it, kick it with your hind feet, wheel around on your back like mad, and tear as much as you can! The Curtain Monster and the Martians that live behind it are tough opponents; but with persistence, you will be victorious.

Variation 2: You are at the bottom of Mount Everest (the curtain), and there is a tempting morsel at the top which you must reach before it runs away. Climb as fast as you can before the morsel disappears or a human grabs you and throws you outside.

Convince your human to move the couch out a little bit from the wall, just enough so that you can move between the wall and the couch. Demand that your human throw a toy (preferably a small ball) for you to chase. Instead of chasing it through the open room, run behind the couch, tunnel along, miraculously emerge from the other end, and grab the toy. Your human will be deeply impressed by your sophisticated move and will readily throw the toy again and again.

A good game to play with the other Cats in the house is to see how many different places you can sleep in one day. You mark your sleeping spot with an appropriate deposit of hair, which is a necessary part of any Cat-owned home. It is important to play this game at least weekly, since the humans are always removing the markers. Bonus points go to the unusual spots, like the top of the fridge, TV, or air conditioner, and even on top of the Vacuum Monster slumbering in its closet. Of course, if the Vacuum Monster should awaken while you're sleeping on it, there is a potential for serious consequences!

As you will have noticed in your explorations of your household, the floor-level kitchen cupboards are all interconnected. The object of the game is to dart inside when a human opens a cupboard door and immediately make your way to the farthest reaches out of range of the human's grasp. If you can get a partner to run it with you to divide the human's attention, so much the better. If the human gives up easily, you now have a nice safe dark place to curl up, snooze, and deposit hair in. Often you can open the doors yourself and don't even need the human there. Humans love to wash their pots and pans before using them. If the humans keep the trash can under the sink and there are some tasty treats being stored in it, you may also have a free meal or two providing you are able to get into it. If you and your partner are feeling frisky, great wrestling matches can take place in the darkness, with lots of crashes and clangs to make it sound like the Tournament of the Century! More fun can be had by scooting back and forth, putting your paw under the door, and meowing to make the human think you want out. When the door is opened, run to another cupboard before you can get grabbed. If the human is prone to flushing you out with a squirt bottle filled with Cat Solvent (WATER), make as much of a mess as possible when making your escape to let him/her know your displeasure. Be sure to wash yourself upon exiting the kitchen to retain your Dignity, and glower at the impudent human while doing so.

Many of the newer things that humans call telephones (on which they spend far too much time talking to other humans instead of attending to their masters) have lots of little buttons on them which you can use. The little ones without numbers are often "speed dial" buttons, which means that if you can turn the phone on (look for a "speaker phone button"), you can make phone calls too! Since humans love to talk on the phone, they will be glad to hear your melodious voice greet them! Their feline masters will be even more pleased if you make your call early in the morning to save them the trouble of making the humans wake up early. If you can call long distance, so much the better! Serves those slug-like humans right for sleeping during prime play time and leaving their masters unattended!

This is a fun game that can be used as an alarm clock for dormant humans or as a signal that a Cat wants to go outside. All that is required is vertical blinds in the bedroom. It is best played when there is more than one Cat in a household. When the humans are asleep, one of the Cats should go over to the blinds and attack them with the purpose of making as much noise as possible. Run and hide under the bed when a human gets up and blearily opens a door to go outside. The other Cats should play possum so that the human doesn't know who did it. Different Cats can do this at different times, with the objective being to see how many Cats can attack the blinds until all are thrown out by the enraged humans.

For whatever reason, sometimes your humans will put a large piece of cloth, usually white, on their dining table. If you are a dark-haired cat, this means you are obliged to try to deposit as much of your hair on it as possible. If you are present while they are putting the table cloth on, leap up and snag an edge with your paw as the humans are trying to adjust it and try to pull it to the floor. You will be immediately shooed away, of course.

Once the humans have set all the stuff on the table, do this again. You will get lots of toys as well as plenty of nesting material; but it's impossible to do this silently, and you will get forcibly ejected and barred from the dining room. If you wish to be more subtle, hop on the table and begin shedding activities such as scratching, grooming, or sprawling. See how much hair you can deposit before the humans notice and throw you out. The more Cats there are, the more variety of color you can add to the table cloth!

If the table cloth reaches nearly to the floor, you have an instant fort. Lurk underneath it until a human passes by. Then leap out and grab an ankle! Run back under the table where they can't get you. Be prepared to be flushed out by a squirt bottle.

This game involves some risk of exposure to Cat Solvent, but is worth it because it annoys the humans greatly. If the human leaves the bathroom door open and is taking a shower instead a bath, lurk beside the shower stall or bathtub and wait until he/she is finished, steps out, and reaches blindly (due to water in the eyes or a lack of glasses) for a towel. As soon as a foot comes within reach, bat at the big toe with a paw and run out of the room. If you can escape without being splashed or spotted while lurking, you win. It is not wise to try to play this too frequently, as the human will quickly catch on, gleefully try to soak you with Cat Solvent, and force you to retreat with loss of Dignity.

These mice appear during the human's weekly ritual of "Changing the Bed Linens." It's the perfect time to hunt for the Bed Mice which appear in many shapes and sizes just as the fresh bedding lands on the bed. It is also the best time to make sure the bottom sheet contains enough hair and dander to trigger the human's allergies later in the week. The human will usually shake the sheet toward the head of the bed. It is imperative to attack by jumping straight up and landing on the sheet as it floats downward. This action ensures that the sheet will land over the Bed Mice, which can be seen as lumps or an occasional small hill on the bed. These small, tasteless, but usually colorful mice can be pummeled into oblivion by the use of the rapier swipe or the one-two hind kick, employing one or both back legs. If you're not quick, the human slave may find you've flattened too many Bed Mice and make the bed with you in it. This can be difficult to get out of, especially if the human makes the bed in a military manner, uses hospital corners on the sheets and blankets, and tucks in everything up to the pillows. You may instead be escorted to the door and locked out of the room for your efforts. In that case other, more devious and hazardous methods will be needed to install the necessary Cat hair, such as burrowing under the covers while the humans are in bed, or going after the Bed Mice when the human is making the bed in the morning.

This is a great game for at least two Cats who are both bored and full of excess energy. It can be initiated by one Cat goading the other into attacking or by a surprise attack from behind or the top of a high object such as a table, chair, or Cat scratching post. Any form of kick, nip, swat, slam, throw, or other maneuver (fair or not) is permissible as long as no injury is performed on the other participants. If more than two Cats share the same house, the others may join in at any time or perhaps use the diversion to get onto the counter or some other Forbidden Place for some deviltry of ones own. The goal of the game is not just to burn off the excess energy but to make as much of a mess as possible over as large an area as possible. So be sure to make every effort to knock things over, scatter and shred papers, and leave hair everywhere. Growling and hissing are optional but not recommended, because the humans might think it's for real and break it up early. Wrestlemania comes to an end when the participants are exhausted (not likely), bombarded by Cat Solvent, things are thrown at them by the humans after the nebulous line between entertainment and destruction is crossed, or (if the match occurs at night) a human charges into the Battle Zone swearing and throwing things. In these latter cases, the prudent Cat will bolt for cover until the rage passes.