Against the Welsh
The island of Great Britain has been invaded many times, and overlayered with many population types. The earliest population type is a race called the Britons, Brythons or Welsh. As the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle says, Erest weron bugend thises landes Brittas, 'The first inhabitants of this land were Britons.' The Chronicle goes on to describe how the Britons were a race of cowards with no skill or inclination for warfare: they were always calling on outsiders to defend them from invaders. Many times the Romans came to their aid, but when Rome was occupied fighting Attila the Hun the Britons instead turned to a german tribe called the Angles for help. To begin with the Angles fought for the Britons as mercenaries, but then in 449AD, in the words of the chronicle, Hy tha sendon to angle heton sendon mara fultum. & heton secgan brytwalana nahtscipe. & thes landes cysta. 'They send word back to their Angle chums mocking the cowardice of the Britons, and suggesting it might be a spiffing wheeze to come over the sea, slaughter them and steal all their land.'

This suggestion was heartily accepted and an alliance of three German tribes, the Angles, Saxons and Jutes, came over and gave the cowardly pacifist scum a good hard pasting. Many of the Britons used their preferred battle tactic of running to the hills and hiding like a bunch of frightened girls, but those whom the Anglo-Saxons caught they slaughtered in sacrifice to the strong and manly gods of the Germans. Thus the hilly north and west (modern Wales and Scotland) remained in British hands while the heroic Anglo-Saxons, or English, took the fertile lowlands for themselves.

What was the origin of these Welsh or Britons? Ancient Greek and Roman authors tell us that the language they spoke was a distorted version of Celtic, but that they were biologically unlike the Celtic peoples of the continent. The continental Celts or Gauls (Greek Keltoi, Latin Galli) are characterised as pale-skinned and blond or red-haired, and as strong, tall, fierce warriors: this is very similar to classical depictions of the Germans. Ancient sources are quick to contrast the Britons as short, swarthy, black-haired, hunchbacked cripple freak creatures, regarding them as some sort of lower animal.

In De Bello Gallico, Julius Caesar tells us that in his day the south coast of Great Britain had been settled by Gauls from what is now northern France, who were sea-traders by nature, and they lived there with the same cultural sophistication and material wealth as their continental cousins, with stone houses and iron tools. In contrast, the rude barbaric tribes of the island's interior lived in dire poverty, inhabiting squalid huts of wood, reeds and mud and regarding iron as some kind of alien magic substance.

Today, the people of the Welsh borders look for the most part normal, but as one moves further into the Welsh-speaking heartland western Wales the people come to look more and more like inbred freaks. In Bangor and Aberystwyth the men are all five feet tall with jet-black hair and oily skin. It seems that good English blood has penetrated into the borders, presumably because English raiders paused to rape Welsh women while stealing their cattle, but in the unmixed parts the old stock so despised by the Romans can still be clearly seen.

The venerable holy man Bede offers this explanation for the existence of the Welsh:

Deus homines fecit, quibus optimus Anglus est. Sed Domini operibus laudandis invidens Diabolus turpitudinem incepit, ut Patris sanctae creationi ludibrio habui. Insulae desertae Britanniae terram scindens Inimicus rimas magnas aperuit ut daemones incubos ex Inferno misit. Oves raptim infigentes incubi genus nefastarum bestiarum imbuebant et generabant, quae formam humanam ruditer imitabantur. Primo linguam nullam habebant, sed bestialiter gruniebant et fremebant. Postea Galli Britanniae litori iter fecerunt, et incolas nomen Britones dederunt. Britones lingua Gallorum didicerunt, sed eorum locutio abjecta rudisque erat.

'God made men, of whom the best is the Englishman. But the Devil envying the Lord's praiseworthy works conceived a wrongness, to mock the Father's holy creation. On the deserted island Britain the Enemy tore the earth asunder and opened great rifts in order to send forth incubus-demons from Hell. Forcibly penetrating sheep the incubi bred a tainted race of unholy beasts, which crudely imitated the human form. To begin with they had no language, but grunted and snorted like beasts. Later the Gauls visited the coast of Britain, and named the inhabitants Britons. The Britons learnt the language of the Gauls, but their speech was crude and degraded.'

The Greek navigator Pytheas of Massilia found Britain by following Phoenician traders who went there to bring back tin from Cornwall. In his Peri tou Okeanou, he describes their language thus: tous men logous hous hoi ton Belgon logoi phainontai ekhousin, ta de logon suntaxis Pretannon isa tai ton Phoinikon 'they have words that seem to be the words of the Belgai [a continental Celtic-speaking tribe], but the ordering of words of the Pretannoi [Britons] is the same as that of the Phoenicians.' This is an interesting observation as the Celtic languages of the British isles, including Welsh, differ from the ancient Celtic languages of the continent but resemble the Semitic languages (to which family Phoenician-Punic belongs) in having the verb at the start of the sentence.