DEATH

Who am I?

Good question.

Anyone knows the answer?

I’ve been thinking bout that for the past 80 years or so. So if anyone knows, please tell me, I need to know.

Its so easy to like or love something, that you’ll normally see the good instead of the bad, the love instead of the hate. Its like the sea. Almost everyone loves the sea. It’s the place you go to clear your thoughts or simply just to relax. The echo of the waves, the saltiness of the air, the warm and fuzzy feeling. The peacefulness and calmness.

The sea… is anything but blissful. it’s a place of horror. The place where people drown their sorrows, physically drowning their sorrows . Like my eyes. They are so beautiful to look at that you’ll fall for the violet immediately. Its that simple that you won‘t even think twice about hating those stunning eyes. But those beautiful eyes brought pain to me, more than anything else. I was hated because of them. I was considered trash because of them. I wish, I wasn’t born with them in the first place. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t alive.

Why am I here? 

Almost everyone is content with their childhood, that they can go on and on about it like it was something fantastic. Someone once told me that you childhood is the best period of your life, something that no one can take from you. Maybe its just Hisoka and me then, I don’t know. I never had any sweet memories. I had nothing to be happy about. I never had the normal life I wanted. I was never, really happy. Maybe during those rare times, when I was with my sister or my mum. I guess, those are my happy times?

Who am I?

Maybe I am just a hypocrite, or maybe I was meant to be death right from the start? I dig into people’s business but I’ll never tell them about mine. Am I being selfish? Or do I have something to hide? Something even I dun want to remember…

Hisoka asked me once, to let him in. But I guess, I’ll never be able to do that. I don’t know, maybe I have a defense mechanism or something. I dun want to bother him you know. He already has problems of his own and Tatsumi. I though I could trust him and perhaps open up and such. How wrong I was… he dis-owned me. Yes that’s the word. He disowned me. He didn’t want to have anything to do with me ever again.

Its was pretty much after that, I knew I could never trust another. No one but yourself. And yet, I feel that sometimes I can’t even trust myself. I detest myself for being alive, for being here. I heard that everyone has a purpose in life, there’s a reason why they are alive. But what was my purpose?

Why am I here?

What happened to me?

I’ll never know. I can’t remember. It was too long ago. How did I land in that hospital. How did I get there? I can’t remember. All these thoughts are driving me insane. The throbbing in my head is getting worst. I can’t take it anymore.

What was I doing alive for 8 years? How did I do that? I didn’t eat, nor drink, nor sleep. WHAT AM I DOING ALIVE? Please, help me someone. I hated myself then, and I still do now. I am alive when I shouldn’t be. I should have been dead. They kept me alive, I know that even after the many times I tried to end my life, they still kept me alive. 

I remember seeing something one day. It was beautiful. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful. It had bright colours, orange I think. It was flying around me, full of life. The though of being able to fly crossed my mind of being free, free from everything even death. I reached out to touch it, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t feel my hands. It came closer to me, like it knew I was calling. Closer and closer and suddenly fell to the grown. It died. It came to me to die. Did it hate me too? Am I a death magnet?

Muraki once told me that anyone who sees me, dies. Could it be true? Could it be that I brought death to anyone who sets their eyes upon me? Am I such a person. Wait, hold on. Am I a person at all?

Did I have a curse of my own that anything good that happens will turn bad, eventually? Why am I even here? Shouldn’t I be dead some place? What am I even death? Who am I? Maybe Muraki was right… I am a descendant of the dark.

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