Captain Kathryn Janeway, proud commanding officer of the Federation Starship Voyager, sat in her steaming bath, hugging her knees and crying like a baby. She was lost, more alone than she had ever been in her forty years of life and more lonely. She thought about the actions that had condemned her to this, her own actions; she had not only cast her crew adrift seventy years from all that they knew, she had also sentenced herself to a life alone, a life of unrelieved work and duty and sacrifice and stress and loneliness. Even now she knew deep down that despite its reprecussions her decision to destroy the Caretaker's array had been the right one, but she could not truly say she had no regrets. Look where that decision had left her and her crew! Although it had brought its own rewards and possibilities, it had also placed her in an impossible situation. It had brought her the greatest gift of her life, even though she knew she could never hold that gift in her hands, it had taught her love like she had never felt before even as it denied her the opportunity to persue that love, even as it filled her with pain at the thought that as captain she may one day have to marry the woman she loved to someone else.

* * * * * *

"DAMN!" yelled Seven of Nine as the hypo-spanner slipped from her grasp and landed on her foot.
B'Elanna looked at her colleague in amazement "Seven!" she exclaimed and asked incredulously "did you just swear!?" The only reply she recieved was an angry look from steely blue eyes. "What is with you lately?"
The ex-Borg, sighed and shook her head slowly "I appologize, Lieutenant, I am somewhat... preoccupied."
"You don't say! Wanna talk about it?"
"Not really" came the tearse reply.
"Okay! Perhaps you could try to concentrate then. We really need to get this finished before tomorrow" said the chief engineer in her most sarcastic tone of voice, and with that the Klingon walked off leaving Seven of Nine seething at her rudeness. She was not prepared to let the behavior go and flung down the hypo-spanner, leaping to her feet and following B'Elanna into her office. Relataions between the Klingon and the ex-Borg had begun to mellow as both made an effort to get on, on the captain's express orders, but there was still some unresolved tension between them that would flare up from time to time. B'Elanna turned to find Seven standing uninvited in her office "Hey!" she barked, crossing her arms "I don't remember inviting you...." but her words were interupted by Seven's fury.
"Lieutenant Torres," she said in a voice full of indignation "I do not appreciate being spoken to in that manner, especially in front of other crewmembers. I have already apologized for my recent lack of concentration and I do not need to be patronized by a Klingon!" Her voice had risen to barely short of a shout and she was shaking with anger and her arms waved about uncharacteristically.
When she had finished her rant and was half way to the door B'Elanna found her voice "Come back here!" she ordered, stopping Seven in her tracks. B'Elanna was angry but she managed to calm herself realising that this unprecedented performance must be a pressure valve of some kind. "Seven," she said gently "I'm sorry...I was being sarcastic but it was meant lightheartedly. I thought you'd learnt how to take a joke." Seven was too choked up to reply and kept her face angled towards the floor, trying to control her breathing. She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and immediately tensed up. "I am sorry," she murmurred "it seems I have temporarily lost my sense of humour."

2

Kathryn sat at a table at Chez Sandrine and stared morosely out of the window at the bussling dock. The bar was buzzing, filled with sailors, tourists and locals, as well as a few cadets from the nearby Starfleet Academy, but none of her own crew were present; she had made sure of that by putting a security lock on the holodeck. She had no wish to be disturbed and no intention of any of her crew seeing her in the state she had come here to get into.

A young man in the uniform of a Starfleet engineer approached Janeway's table and stood looking down at her with eyes full of lust. "Excuse me!" he said in a voice a little slurred with wine, "my friends and I were wondering if you would care to join us for a drink." He indicated a table across the room, occupied by two equally eager, bright young cadets and the women they had obviously aquired for themselves courtesy of Sandrine. She looked up and smiled ironically, for a fleeting moment the thought of actually yielding to his request flipped through her mind, but she didn't have the energy for an inexperienced lover, not tonight, and so she replied "sorry, Ensign, but I don't date junior officers."
The young man merely said "oh" and then, undeterred, sat down opposite her and leant across the table. "Well, see my friend over there? He's a senior lieutenant. Maybe I could borrow one of his pips and you could pretend.....huh?"
Janeway leant forward and gave him her most withering captain's stare. "I don't believe I invited you to sit down, Ensign. You would have to be a commodore or an admiral to outrank me so I suggest you leave before I put you on report."
The young man's face went bright red and he sprang up as if the chair he had occupied had suddenly become electrified. Standing rigidly to attention, he stammered "I'm sorry, ma'am, I had no idea.....I mean you're not in uniform....I...I..."
"ENSIGN! Shut up and get lost!"
"Yes ma'am" and with that the young man vanished from the establishment faster than the human eye could percieve.

Barely a minute later, just as she had stood to go to the washroom, Janeway was stunned by a hard slap on her behind and turned in disgust to find herself being accosted by another man, a regular that had been eyeing her from the bar. "Come on, baby!" he spluttered in her face "you don't need that boy...come upstairs with me and see what a real man can do." The next moment there was a sickening thud as the man's head hit the floor and Janeway was upon him, kicking, punching and screaming obscenities at him. In a place like this it only took a moment, a single punch and a slightly drunken clientele for a general brawl to break out. None of the others in the bar knew what had happened or why the fight had broken out in the first place but they fought anyway, lashing out at anyone and everyone and Janeway made sure she was in the thick of it, doling out fierce punches to all and sundry, and taking them too. The man who had accosted her had disappeared but she kept on fighting, pouring all her anger, frustration and loneliness into every strike. Eventually a chair smashed over her ribs knocked the wind out of her, and as she crouched on the floor a bottle broke over her head and she was out cold.

Sandrine and her staff were used to fights breaking out in the bar and had brought the situation quickly under control, throwing most of the customers out into the dark wet street to cool off. She had been amazed to see Janeway involved in the fray, however, and had had her carried up to her room. The man who had been the catalyst for Janeway's outburst was leaning against the bar, dabbing at his bloodied nose and as she passed, Sandrine stared at him. "Get rid of him, Pierre" she said to the nearest bouncer.
The man was indignant "ME!" he yelled, "but she started it... she's crazy."
Sandrine turned on him with a look almost as menacing as the one inflicted on the young ensign earlier that evening, "I don't care....get out" she demanded, ignoring the threats and objections eminating from the man as Pierre manhandled him out of the bar.

Janeway came round with a jerk and an almost Klingon growl, and found herself grasped firmly by holographic hands. "Ma Capitainne!...calm yourself" Sandrine ordered, in her smoothe French tones, as she looked into the flushed face of the captain. She reached out to touch the captain's hand and found it shaking. "Katrine," she cooed, "what is it? This is not like you. Tell me what's the matter, eh?"
Janeway merely stared at her hands and apologised "I'm sorry, Sandrine. I'll pay for any damage,"
but the hologram waved the offer away with an elegant hand, "non, non, non, it's not important. Things are always getting smashed in here. I just want you to talk to me...it's what I'm here for."
Janeway looked into the dark eyes of the hologram and replied "I'm alright, just tired, stressed. Nothing unusual."
"Ah, ma belle capitainne, you cannot fool me, I have been running this bar too long. You have been in here very often recently, eh? You sit here alone and stare from that window, you get drunk, you won't speak to anyone...and now you pick fights. This is not right, Katrine, it's not you."
"You don't know me, Sandrine....just leave me alone will you."
"hey, hey, hey. This is my bar, you know? I am not one of your crew, Capitainne."
"I'm sorry...I...."
Sandrine, reached out and stroked her cheek soothingly, "Sshh...It's alright. Why don't you stay here with me, eh? Talk about it?" she began stroking Janeway's back soothingly and then, in a lowered voice, calculated to seduce, she offered, "maybe...I could help you release some of that tension, eh?"

After a short alcohol-induced delay, Janeway's brain realised exactly what the hologram was offering and she stared at the woman in amazement. Had she become so desperate that she could sleep with a hologram and convince herself it was real? Sandrine smiled broadly and gave a sweet, gravelly giggle. "Oh don't look so shocked, ma capitainne," she chided, "eventually they all come to Sandrine. The homesick cadets, the frustrated professeurs, the adventurous tourists, they all end up here, with me. All looking for something, all trying to fullfil some fantasie. But here, on this ship, it seems I have become even more important.....perhaps because you are all so far from home." Seeing the look of confusion on the captain's face, Sandrine nodded knowingly. "Oh yeah, ma capitainne, I know what I am. I know I am not real, for you, that when you walk out of that door I cease to exist. But what is realite anyway? eh? How do I know that you exist when you are not here, perhaps you are the hologram."
Janeway shook her head in a gesture of defeat and exhaustion, "It wouldn't surprise me" she almost whispered.

Sandrine gave Janeway's hand a gentle squeeze and settled back against the pillows, coaxing Kathryn's limp body into her arms before continuing. "I wondered how long it would be before you came to me" she smiled, "I think all the rest of your officers have discovered the 'thereputic' effects of my company. Chakotay comes to indulge his bizarre fantasies, my sweet Tom Paris comes to pretend I am B'Elanna, B'Elanna comes to release her Klingon side, because she knows she cannot hurt me, Harry misses his family so he comes looking for a mother." She paused almost imperceptibly and shifted a little so as she could study the captain's face during her next sentence "Even Seven comes to me" she said slowly, smiling at the slight flush and catch of breath that she immediately noticed in Janeway.
"Seven?" Janeway exclaimed tentatively.
"mm hmm. At first she came to learn, she wanted me to teach her the 'ways of love'" a smile spread across Sandrine's face at the memory "but she didn't need much teaching, she's a natural." She giggled softly and began to run her hand through Kathryn's hair. "Instinct.." she laughed, "it's a wonderful thing." She tightened her arms around the slowly relaxing form and planted a soft kiss in her fiery hair. "Now she comes for another reason, Katrine. She comes to pretend I am...someone else, the real object of her love." Janeway twisted round and looked up into the deep blue of Sandrine's eyes. She wanted her feelings confirmed but was afraid to ask. Unable to form the words she merely raised her eyebrow questioningly and held her breath and Sandrine took the cue and released her from her anticipation "Yes, cherie" she nodded, a gentle smile tugging the corners of her mouth, "she comes to pretend I am you....She loves you with her whole being." Kathryn let go the breath she had been holding and let her eyes close. In case Kathryn should be in any doubt of the love Seven bore her, Sandrine continued gently, "and it's not gratitude, or hero worship, or anything like that. She loves you, pure and simple, and I know you feel the same, don't you? You have been fighting it and denying it to yourself and driving yourself so hard to put her out of your mind. That's why you are like this now...in this state, eh?" Kathryn tried to hide her face in Sandrine's soft clevage but felt soft hands cupping her cheeks and opened her eyes. "Listen to me Katirne," Sandrine ordered softly, capturing the captain's eyes with her own, "the fact that I'm not flesh and blood does not make what I say less true...I know her, and I think I know you enough to say this....there are so few reasons for you to be apart, and not one of them is as good as the million reasons for you to be together, so..you should be together, and that's the truth."

She wanted to deny it, she wanted to be able to look Sandrine in the eye and say it wasn't true, but she was so tired of hiding and pushing away her feelings for Seven, of burying them under mountains of work and moroseness. There was certainly no use in denying it to a hologram. She took Sandrine's hand and held it to her lips, deep in thought. "What's she like.....in bed?" she eventually asked
"Oh, ma capitainne, she is....incroyable! I have never felt anything like it. You know," she continued as she began to run her thumb over Janeway's lips, "everyone thinks of her as child, especially you, I think. It's true that in some ways she is childlike, but she is not a child, Katrine, she is a warm and sensitive woman. She will never betray you or cheat on you or hurt you or leave you. Your happiness is the most important thing to her, it's all she cares about, all she talks about. And she is not under any romantique illusions, she knows it would not be easy, she knows exactly what it would mean to be allowed to love you and be loved by you, openly. She is not a fool. She understands more than you know about humanity. She suffers as much as anyone else from the 'human condition'." By now the tears were welling in Kathryn's eyes and she did nothing to prevent them spilling over, down her cheeks. Sandrine cradled her face and drew her into a warm embrace. "Katrine," she said quietly, her hand in the luscious auburn hair, "you are welcome to stay with me, if I can help you relax I will, but I think it would be much better now if you went and talked to Seven." She raised Janeway's face with a gentle hand and kissed her softly and lingeringly on the lips, "go to her, Capitainne....I promise you will never be sorry." Kathryn kissed Sandrine back in gratitude, amazed that a hologram's lips could be so warm.
"I've been an idiot....haven't I?" she acknowledged with a sigh.
"Yes, my friend. But you will not be anymore, eh?"
"Thank you, Sandrine."

Kahtryn considered closing the programme there and then but, after such a conversation, something made her feel that that would be rude to Sandrine and so she said goodbye and ran down the stairs and out of the door. That was as far as she got. The man she had attacked was waiting for her in the street with an iron bar in his hands and two friends by his side. She fought back but she was unarmed and unprepared, and he knew exactly where to strike, concentrating his blows on her already damaged ribs and stomach. With her arms held tightly by his accomplaces, her struggling soon ceased, as his his blows connected again and again, knocking the breath out of her aching lungs.

* * * * * *

Seven of Nine walked slowly along the corridor, deep in thoughts of her secret love. She would keep her feelings secret because she did not want to hurt or pressurise Kathryn, but it was so hard to remain calm and appear unaffected when she knew the captain was in emotional turmoil. She could see it in her once sparkling eyes, hear it in her voice, she could feel Kathryn's misery in the air around her as no one else could. This sensitivity awarded her by Love kept her conscious when she should have been regenerating, unable to eat when she was hungry, unable to concentrate when she was working, it made her own misery worse. She had long since been given permission to use Kathryn's given name when appropriate, and yet she yearned for permission to call her 'love'.

As she passed by the doors to holodeck 2 she was stopped in her tracks by a momentry but sharp jabbing pain in her side which caused her to fall against the wall. The sensation was gone in a moment, leaving in its wake a dull ache and a slight throbbing. She recovered quickly and looked around her in confusion. She had only just had her monthly checkup and knew there was nothing wrong with her. Suddenly an image screeched into her mind, a shocking image of Kathryn hanging limply in the grasp of an invisible force and coughing blood onto the ground before her. The security codes that the captain had placed on the door of the holodeck were no match for Borg algorythmns and she was quickly inside staring in disbelief at the scene before her, exactly as she had just seen in her mind's eye. Kathryn, barely conscious, being beaten mercilessly and doing nothing to prevent it. Seven's hesitation lasted only a split second before she yelled "COMPUTER, END PROGRAMME!" and ran to where Kathryn had fallen to her knees as soon as her captors had blinked out of existance.

Seven crouched down at her captain's side and grasped her heaving shoulders. "Kathryn!" she gasped, the panic in her voice clear, "Kathryn, what were you doing?"
The captain raised her sweaty face and smiled wearily "I....don't..know...I..I.." she couldn't finish, agony was written all over her face and it scared Seven.
Seven squeezed her shoulders reassuringly and said "Sssshhh, it's alright Kathryn, tell me later. Now we must get you to sickbay."
"No! I'm alright...Please......just take me...to my quarters."
"Captain" Seven replied as calmly as she was able, "You are not alright, you are badly damaged."
"Seven, I'm alright....the s..safties were on." She looked down at the pool of blood before her. "I'm not that crazy....not yet. I'll be fine...once I get out of here." Seven relaxed a little. She knew the captain was right. With the safety protocols in place there was no way she could have been really damaged despite the seeming severity of her injuries. "Very well," she acquiesed, "lean on me."

Seven reached around the captain and pulled her to her feet, causing her to cry out in pain and shudder violently. "Perhaps we should use the transporter" she suggested and, before the captain could reply, gave the order for a sight to sight transport to the captain's quarters. Seven lifted her gently, elliciting a groan as her head fell back but soon she was lying on her own bed and Seven was right there with her, opening her shirt to inspect the damage. Kathryn was too exhausted to really protest but she raised her head and watched as Seven's long fingers pulled the fabric of her shirt apart. "What are you doing, Seven!"
"I must be sure you are undamaged. You have some bruising, Kathryn, you really should see the doctor, to be on the safe side. Even with the safety protocols in place there could still have been some...."
"No!"
"Why will you not let me call him?"
"He'll probably relieve me of duty, he'll certainly have to report it, then Tuvok and Chakotay will be all over me."
"And quite rightly!"
"Maybe....but I really can't handle them right now."
"I will not let them upset you Kathryn, I promise." Instinctively she reached out to stroke Kathryn's cheek, and then softening her voice asked "Why did you not end the programme?"
Kathryn turned her face to nuzzle Seven's human hand, "I needed the focus, I guess. That kind of brutality is simple and pure. It's uncomplicated. I needed that clarity...." she looked into Seven's clear blue eyes, "I know it doesn't make sense." She raised her hand and laid it weakly on Seven's outstretched forearm, "Please Seven, don't make me see the doctor" she pleaded.
"Kathryn, you are the captain, I cannot make you do anything."
Kathryn similed and let out a sigh "Oh Seven," she almost whispered, "you don't know how wrong you are."
"I do not understand."
"Don't you?" She took a deep breath, flinching as the air expanded her battered ribs "I can't do this anymore..."
"Do what, Kathryn?"
"Pretend.....Supress. I'm so tired, Seven; so tired of always being the captain and never just Kathryn. She looked down and closed her eyes, not wanting to see Seven's reaction to the news she was about to break. "I love you Seven, I love you so much. And...not like mentor and protoge, or even like friends.....but like.....like.."
"Like lovers" Seven supplied, causing Janeway to look up into her eyes,
"Yes" she confirmed, her voice almost a whisper,"you knew?" Seven nodded, fighting back the lump in her throat and Kathryn continued. "I'm so sorry for how I've treated you lately. I didn't know what to do so I avoided you. It was cowardly, it was pathetic."
Seven smiled "It was human, Kathryn. I understand."
"Really? You do? Will you forgive me?"
"If there were anything to forgive, of course I would forgive you. I love you Kathryn Janeway, but you cannot or will not permit it....I understand."
"Oh Seven.....I've wanted to permit it, I've wanted you so much but I was scared. I thought you weren't ready, that you didn't understand. I thought I was protecting you, that's what I told myself. But it turns out that along it was me I was protecting, because of my fear."
"You are afraid I will hurt you?"
"No...no Seven, never that. I'm afraid I'll hurt us both.....I'm the leader of these people, their hope...that's what I have to be."
"But I do not expect you to be anything else."
"I know that, but I.....I...." tears began to spill down her cheeks and she turned her head away. She could hardly breathe for the throbbing in her ribs and the despair in her heart but she struggled against their tides. "Oh god!" she gasped breathily, "I'm an idiot....I'm so sorry."
"Kathryn....ssshh, It's alright. We do not have to discuss this now," Seven soothed. She was very worried that Kathryn had gone so pale and was obviously in considerable discomfort. "You must let me help you," she said gently, brushing the damp auburn hair from the captain's face, "I cannot bear to see you like this. Please, if you will not see the doctor for yourself then do it for me.....Please.....for me?"
Another wave of pain and the look of terror in Seven's eyes convinced Kathryn to capitulate and she agreed wearily "Alright.....alright call him."

3

The doctor was predictably irritated and sardonic. He realised there was no point in chastising the captain while she was in this condition but he didn't for a second believe her story, relayed through Seven, that she had been set upon by a trio of holographic thugs and gagged, thus rendering her unable to end the programme. Almost immediately he bagan to compose the lecture that he would deliver as soon as she was more alert and receptive; it was all about responsibility and setting a good example and how he had come to expect better from her. Underneath his indignation though, he was genuinely worried. Kathryn Janeway was so strong. Again and again she had proved herself to be corageous, indomitable and highly responsible, and yet here she was getting into brawls with people who couldn't even exist outside the holodeck. He remembered the extreme risks that B'Elanna had taken on the holodeck when she had been depressed and hoped that the captain wasn't setting out on the same self-destructive path. If a woman like Kathryn Janeway could allow herself to succumb to such impulses.....! What was the universe coming to if someone like her could become so....so...So Human! He realised with a sudden shame at his judgementalism that Kathryn Janeway was merely bing human. Was it really reasonable to expect her to be perfect, to maintain her apparant superhuman detatchment indefinitely? What would she become if she did? If she had temporarily lost it, it was no wonder with the life she had to lead. Against his programing he decided there and then to go along with Janeway's story even though he was sure it wasn't entirely true, and he deleted his lecture in favour of a pledge that he would always be there for her to talk to. And thus the good doctor took another step towards humanity.

* * * * * *End of Part One* * * * * *

SW