Janeway was only just holding on. It had been a terrible day and now she was utterly convinced that she was loosing her mind. It had seemed that everybody wanted her for something today and she had become more stressed and irritable with every passing request until she had almost lost it with B'Elanna and Harry as they had inadvertantly managed to shrink the doctor. It was not a major problem, she knew that, but she had shouted at them like they were naughty schoolchildren and the now diminutive EMH had ordered her to take some R&R and go to the holodeck. Wandering wearily back to her quarters to change into something more appropriate for her gothic holo-novel, her restless mind had whirled around inside her brain, berrating her for her behaviour In Engineering and giving her a thumping headache.

She had admitted to the doctor that she was a little testy but that had been a gross understatement. How could she have yelled at B'Elanna like that, of all people? The woman she wanted to whisper to in the night, the woman that filled her dreams with light and love, the woman she would gladly die for...the woman she could never reveal her love to. B'Elanna Torres, brilliant engineer, passionate warrior, beautiful and stubborn as hell...the unrequited love of her life. Before leaving her quarters, dressed in her Victorian governess outfit, she had paused to pick up the PADD and called up a picture of the young woman, caressing the image of the proud browridges with the tips of her fingers but she had felt a lump beginning to form in her throat and, with a sharp intake of breath at the pain of it, she hastily shut off the image and headed for the holodeck.

Her holographic employer, Lord Burleigh, had announced almost as soon as she arrived that he was in love with her, and pulled her into a passionate kiss. 'Well' she thought to herself as he let her come up for air, 'I don't remember that being in the novel', but she cast it out of her mind as she began to get into her role and allow herself to be swept along by the strange events occuring in Lord Burleigh's house. She had just begun to forget all about Voyager when she was interrupted by a call from the bridge. The Bothan inhabitants of the territory Voyager had just entered were none to happy and demanded an explanation for Voyager's presence in their space. Neelix was agitated, having heard many unpleasant rumours regarding the Bothan, and had been pestering the captain all morning to discuss the situation, but she had not had the time. The Bothan representative on the view screen had been cold and deliberate, hiding his face in what Janeway suspected was an attempt at intimidation, but had agreed to consider their request for passage if they met the criteria. What those criteria were, however, was far from clear.

It was then that the captain started seeing and hearing things. In the mess hall, where Neelix had persuaded her to join him for lunch, she saw exactly the same plate of cucumber sandwiches that had been a part of her holo-novel, and the cup that Neelix served her coffee in was definitely not Starfleet issue, it was a delicate Victorian teacup with flowers on it, just like the one Lord Burleigh's holographic daughter had broken that afternoon. She couldn't quite convince herself that these occurances were coincidence and, as she walked back along the corridor asking herself if she had become so involved with her novel that she had lost all sense of reality, she distinctly heard the voice of her aristocratic would-be lover, Lord Burleigh, saying "I can't help myself, I've fallen in love with you." Encountering his little daughter, Beatrice, in the corridor of the starship Voyager was the last straw for the captain, she just hoped there was an explanation for all this other than the one which was seeming increasingly likely....that she was finally going mad.

* * * * * *

B'Elanna was aware of the captain's presence as soon as she entered Engineering, she was always aware of the captain's presence... somehow she could feel it. Despite the fact that Janeway made her a little nervous, she was always pleased to see the captain and she allowed herself a secret little smile before she turned. That smile, however, faded from her lips as soon as she saw the look of utter helplessness on Janeway's face, and it took all her willpower not to run to the woman and enfold her in a comforting embrace. "Captain, are you all right?" the young woman asked, concern filling her voice.
"I've been better" came the tired reply. As she explained her situation B'Elanna put on a mask of efficiency to hide the pain of the compassion that was growing in her heart.

"In the course of your experiments with the Doctor," Janeway continued, "have you accessed any of the holodeck programmes?"
"No, we're bypassing the holodecks" Torres informed her.
"Where did you get this holo-projector?" she enquired, moving forward to inspect the object.
"We found several of them in storage," a worried-looking Harry told her, "we've been reconfiguring them one by one."
"So you haven't worked directly with any of the projectors on the holodecks?"
"No."
The captain was getting frustrated, 'Kathryn, you're just clutching at straws', she told herself angrily, but she had to try once more to prove that she was sane. "Is there anything you've done," she began, hoping she didn't sound too desperate, "anything you can think of, that might have caused holographic objects and characters to appear outside the holodeck?"
Torres thought, but had to admit "not that I'm aware of."
The captain sighed her frustration into the air, and said helplessly "I was sure your experiments would explain it." B'Elanna wanted so much to comfort this woman, but she was determined not to blow her cover. The last thing the captain needed right now was the bombshell that her chief engineer was in love with her, so the young woman tried not to let too much concern creep into her voice as she reassured Janeway "Captain, there has to be a reason why you've had these delusions and we're going to figure out what it is." But all their investigations came to nothing and eventually a very depressed Janeway had no option but to deliver herself into the doctor's hands.

Kathryn sat on the biobed, her hands clasped tightly on her lap, depression written on her downcast face. The doctor could find no evidence of anything physically wrong with her but was explaining that he would like to carry out a series of tests when, quite suddenly, Kes gasped and shivered violently. "Kes?" asked the puzzled hologram, but the Ocampan was equally puzzled.
"Uh, I..I don't know. Strange. Oh! suddenly I felt cold, shivery" she said, hugging herself tightly and rubbing her naked arms.
The captain just murmmered "someone was walking on your grave."

Janeway paid no more attention to Kes as the young woman disappeared into the Med Lab to collect the doctor's sub-neural scanner, but she looked up with a jerk as she heard the voice of little Beatrice Burleigh, and was stunned to see the little holo-character standing right there in sickbay. "Doctor..." she gasped, hardly daring to breathe, "Doctor...who do you see here?"
"I see you" he answered, as if it were obvious, but it was not obvious to the captain.
"And I see you," she replied, "but I also see a little girl from my holodeck program." Just then Kes returned to the room and stopped dead in her tracks as she too saw the little girl. She had the strange sensation that something hit her and then the hologirl dissipated and flew at Janeway, seeming to disappear right into her. The captain's body gave a jerk and she cried out, looking around in confusion and fear. The doctor, who had seen none of these events, asked concernedly "What happened?"
"I'm not sure" replied the captain, visibly shaken. "The image of the little girl suddenly rushed at me."
"I saw it too" acknowledged Kes, "when I came in, I felt as though something hit me, bounced off me, then I saw the little girl moving right into you."
Janeway was at once intrigued. "As though you became a mirror," she said breathlessly, "You reflected her back toward me."
"I've been doing some mental exercises with Tuvok, developing my telepathic abilities, but we haven't done anything like this."
All this was really passing the doctor by and he was becoming more and more concerned for the mental health of his captain. "Captain," he interjected, "until I am able to determine the cause of these hallucinations, I prefer that you return to your quarters. Get some rest."

* * * * * *

In the mood for a little indulgence, Janeway ordered herself a bowl of coffee ice cream and sat down on her couch to eat it. Just as she had pulled the spoon from her mouth, however, she heard noises in her bedroom and turned her head with the jerk. Not trusting her own senses any more, she called out tentatively "hello? Is anyone there?" and to her consternation was answered by a familiar female voice asking "Kathryn, are you there?"

On shaky legs she walked towards the bedroom, asking "who's that?" but stopped dead as she heard the unmistakable tones of B'Elanna Torres requesting "come in here darling, I have something for you." Janeway opened the door to her bedroom, and lunged in as if she thought she would catch somebody up to no good, but the room was empty and tidy, just as she had left it. She turned and leant against the door jamb, hanging her head in barely controlled frustration. She walked back towards ice cream, but stopped as she heard the sweet voice again. "I want you so much, Kathryn" it said, "When are you going to accept that? I don't think you want me. Someone else is in your thoughts." Kathryn got up; she couldn't stand this any more, she had to get out. "Isn't that true? Isn't there someone you're thinking of?" She stood before the door and waited for it to open, but it remained resolutely shut and she had to order "Computer, open door."

The computer obeyed, but on reflection she may have wished it hadn't, for as soon as the doors slid back she was lunged at by a knife-wielding Victorian housekeeper. "Everything was fine until you came here," said the holographic Mrs Templeton, as she advanced on the captain, "I took care of him. He trusted me, but when you arrived, all that changed." Janeway backed up, touching her commbadge to call out
"Janeway to security. Intruder alert."
But Mrs Templeton was unrepentant; "You've done nothing but cause trouble," she accused, "We don't want more trouble in our lives!" and with that the enraged hologram slashed at Janeway with her carving knife and sliced the palm of the captain's defending hand. A Victorian lady, however, was no match for a highly-trained Starfleet captain and Janeway brought her down with one quick move, holding her struggling assailant firmly at bay as she called out again, and with rising panic, "Security to the Captain's quarters! Tuvok, respond!"

Tuvok grabbed the captain by her shoulders and tried to shake her out of her delusional state. Kes and the doctor were standing by and the EMH asked the Ocampan if she was still able to see the hallucination that had claimed the captain. "Yes," replied the young woman, "the woman with the knife is receding into the Captain, just like before." Tuvok meanwhile was shaking Janeway with increasing vigour, trying to snap her out of this hell she seemed to be inhabiting. "Captain!" he ordered firmly, "Listen to me! You are in Sickbay! You are all right. Captain!" Eventually his voice brought the desperate captain back to reality and she buried her face in her undamaged hands, confusion and panic thumping inside her.

PART TWO

When Kes had first informed her that other people where experiencing similar hallucinations to the captain, Janeway's immediate reaction was one of relief that she wasn't going crazy, that there was an explanation for all this. Her second reaction, only a split second later was one of guilt at being so selfish, but then all thoughts of herself were gone as her command mask made a welcome return and she was all business. She had stormed onto the bridge, ready for a confrontation with their attackers, but now, as she stood looking into the deep passionate eyes of B'Elanna Torres, her insecurities returned and she considered the possibility that maybe she was mad after all. She knew her chief engineer was in Engineering, she had only just asked the computer for private confirmation of that fact, yet here was that beautiful face, staring at her from the viewscreen, asking her "Don't you recognize the woman you love?"

"Mr Paris," she enquired suspiciously, "who do you see on the viewscreen?"
The young man, clearly as confused as his captain, tentatively replied "It's my father!"
"I see my girlfriend, Libby." added Harry Kim, and suddenly Janeway understood what was happening.
"Mr Kim," she ordered, all business now, "shut down visual."
"I'm trying captain. It won't terminate!"
"Mr Tuvok, do a multiphasic scan on those ships. I want any evidence of defensive weakness. And prepare the forward photon torpedoes for launch.....Tuvok?" There was no reply or even a reaction from the security officer that Janeway had come to rely on so much. To all intents and purposes, he was gone, staring blankly at the viewscreen, locked in his own private world where he was back on Vulcan talking to his beloved wife T'Pel. "Captain, I'll do it" offered Harry Kim, as he initiated the scan. Just then there was a familiar bleep and Torres voice came over the comm, sending a stab of......something....through the captain's chest.

"We're having problems down here," the chief engineer informed her, "people are becoming delusional."
"It's happening here too."
"I think I know why. There's a massive energy field coming from those ships. It's bioelectric, modulating on a delta wave frequency, it has psionic properties, and it's permeating the hull."
"A psionic field has a psychoactive effect. That would explain the hallucinations."
"You can try remodulating the shields, but in the meantime I'm going to set up a resonance burst from the warp core. That will probably block the field, but it'll take a while to set up."
The captain nodded her approval, ordering "Notify the doctor. If the field is biolectric, he might have some ideas how to neutralize it. I'm coming down to give you a hand. Janeway out." As the captain headed for the door, Neelix entered."Mr Neelix," she greeted "if the crew ever needed a morale officer, now's the time. See if you can help...." She was stopped dead in her tracks by the lilting voice of her would-be lover on the viewscreen, but she did not turn round, closing her eyes, trying to shut out the feelings that voice engendered as it swept gently over her.
"Kathryn," it said gently, seductively, "do you always have to be the captain? Can't you relax for a minute? I want to talk to you." Janeway released her breath and ordered defiantly
"Mr Kim, remodulate the shields to a rotating frequency. You have the bridge, Commander."

B'Elanna turned as the doors to Engineering flew open and caught her breath as the newly restored captain strode through them. For a second she was mesmerised by her body's reaction to the captain's presence but she turned back to her console, took a deep breath, and ordered herself to get a grip. 'snap out of it, Torres' she told herself sternly 'this is not the time or the place.'
"How's it going down here?" the captain asked, coming up right behind her officer, almost breathing down her neck.
B'Elanna moved away "Not good," she replied "I can't get a response from anybody. It's like they're catatonic."
"It's the same all over the ship" the captain informed her, her gravelly voice becoming deeper and gentler with every sentence, as if she were trying to hypnotize the young woman."On my way here," Janeway continued, "I must have seen 50 people just sitting, staring." B'Elanna turned and found her captain standing right in front of her once more, gazing into her eyes, she was decidedly uncomfortable with this situation and tried to move away but the captain followed her. She took a deep breath against the tingling in her groin, and tried to concentrate.
"A few minutes ago, there was a momentary interruption in the psionic field. Were there any indications that the alien somehow came on board?"
"I'll find out" said the captain with the hint of a predatory smile, and she activated her commbadge."Janeway to Chakotay," she enquired nonchalantly, almost as if she wasn't expecting an answer, thought B'Elanna. "This is the captain to Commander Chakotay, please respond. Janeway to anyone on the bridge. Kim, Paris, anybody," giving up, she turned back to B'Elanna and shrugged "we must be the last ones left!"
B'Elanna's heart raced, "What do we do?" she asked.

Without any hesitation Janeway replied "I think we should take an escape pod. We passed an M-class planet yesterday. The pod should get us there in a week. We can try to get help."
B'Elanna was stunned "A week!?" she gasped "That might be too late."
"It may be our only hope. If we stay here, we'll end up like the others."
B'Elanna was tempted, but this wasn't right. "No" she said, turning back to her console and beginning to jab at keys, "I have to keep trying to set up the resonance burst."
Then she felt the breath on the back of her neck and the soft voice in her ear, asking "Are you really going to disobey me, Lieutenant?" and to her utter consternation a tender hand reached up to stroke her hair, sending a spear of pleasure through her.
"I can't believe you're saying this" she whimpered "you know we have to stay here and try to help the others." Suddenly Janeway grabbed the young woman and spun her round, looking deeply into her confused eyes, her own eyes smouldering with undesguised desire. "I want you with me" she rasped, her lips almost grazing B'Elanna's.
"You aren't Janeway!" the young engineer accused, but the reply was smoothe and filled with lust.
"I'm the Janeway you want me to be. The one who loves you. This is what you want, isn't it? The secret you've been keeping?" She leaned in and nuzzled into B'Elanna's hair, tightening her embrace and placing soft kisses on the young woman's ear as she murmmered "You want us to be together, and we can be." B'Elanna was on fire, only just holding on to her resolve not to give in to this delusion. She knew it was a delusion, but she also knew that if she cracked now that knowledge would be gone and the fantasy would claim her. She wanted this so much, she always had. She made a half-hearted attempt to disentangle herself from the captain's embrace, but the woman was stronger than she looked. "I have to help the others" she gasped, squirming in the captain's arms, but that husky voice merely replied
"I want you, I've always wanted you" as Janeway's hand slipped between the young woman's legs, pulling a cry of desire from her chest. "You feel the same way too." Though it was not a question, the Klingon answered it; her resolve and her hold on reality shattered, she grabbed the captain and pulled her into her arms, growling "YES!" as she ignited and kissed her captain hungrily.

B'Elanna never knew how they made it to the captain's quarters, but she didn't care. All she knew was that her dream was coming true. The woman that had filled her heart and mind for so long was finally here, filling her arms, moaning under her caresses, begging her not to stop. They made love over and over again, passionately, ravenously, not caring if the ship should explode or the universe end, so long as they could be together, pleasuring eachother for ever.

* * * * * *

Janeway entered the turbolift and barked the order "Deck 11." She was frustrated and a little scared; she hated being out of control, unless she had actually chosen to be so. She hated being manipulated without her consent, she felt almost as if someone was trying to rape her. How could she have allowed this to happen to her? She had known for some time now that she was in love with her chief engineer, but she was a Starfleet captain, for god's sake! she should be able to handle this situation, she should be stronger than this. She could feel her resolve slipping away even now. Suddenly her thoughts were interrupted by a tender voice at her side and it was all she could do to stop herself from turning towards it. "Now maybe you have time to talk to me" B'Elanna Torres said, her voice filled with pain that made the captain wince as she resolutely stared straight ahead. "You're so strong, Kathryn. That's one of the things I've always loved in you." The captain took a deep calming breath as she felt B'Elanna move closer and reach out to her, bending to kiss her neck at it's most sensitive point. Janeway flinched and blocked the young woman's move, pushing her away, but her gaze never moved from the doors of the turbolift that had become her prison. B'Elanna was clearly hurt, "What's the matter?" she asked, confused at the reaction, "I know you love to be kissed there, I know everything about you, Kathryn." Janeway clenched her jaw and spoke slowly, her tone taking on its famously dangerous quality. "I don't know who you are, what you are," she warned "but I won't let you touch me," and her eyes narrowed in an attempt to strengthen her fading willpower. The closeness of this woman, the woman that filled her dreams every night, was making her so hot. She tried to calm her breathing telling herself it wasn't real. But it felt real, in spite of everything it felt good to be here alone with the woman she loved. She ached to surrender but she would not, she would hold out for as long as she could, she would fight.

B'Elanna backed away, turning to lean against the wall, her head dropping. "What about the man on the holodeck?" she asked, her voice so full of suffering that Kathryn thought her own heart would burst with compassion, "You didn't seem to mind him touching you, did you?" the young Klingon continued, clearly trying to keep the sob out of her tone, but not really succeeding. "In fact I think you liked it. But I've vowed to wait for you Kathryn, no matter how long it takes. I'm sorry, I don't mean to pressure you, it's just that it's so hard...." Kathryn heard the lovely Klingon body sliding down the wall of the turbolift and landing on the floor with a soft thud. She turned, she couldn't stop herself. The young woman's head hung down, desolation written on her body, and when she raised her head to lean it against the wall Janeway saw the glistening of tears "..it's so hard, to have loved you like this for so long, and only now to realise that you can never love me back."

That was it! The captain was gone. Fear and determination flooded out of her to be replace by love and compassion. She dropped to her knees as tears sprung to her own eyes, and she reached out for B'Elanna Torres, pulling her into a tight, desperate embrace. "I do, B'Elanna!" She whispered with a trembling voice, "I do love you..so much. I'm so sorry I've put you through this. Please, please forgive me, my love." They fell into eachother's embrace, kissing tenderly as their tears mingled. Right there on the floor of the turbolift they made wonderful love, seeming to already know eachother's bodies, fitting together perfectly, pleasing eachother totally. Kathryn felt B'Elanna's love all around her, lifting her up, erradicating the years and the rank and the distance that had existed between them but that would exist no longer. This must be real after all, it was so right. This all-embracing love that made her young and beautiful and powerful again. This was reality.

PART THREE

"You're a powerful little thing," the stricken alien admitted as he looked up from the floor of Main Engineering at his Ocampan vanquisher, "I must say, you surprised me." Kes regarded him as sternly as her kindly face was able but said nothing, it had taken all her strength and telepathic ability to defeat this Bothan, and she felt utterly drained. The doors swished open and the captain stalked into Engineering and squatted down to get a better look at their assailant. "Why did you do this to us?" she asked quietly, half expecting some caustic, hate-filled, prejudiced reply, such as one might get from the Kazon, but the Bothan merely looked up at her and stated calmly "because I can."

Janeway shook her head and asked "Is it just telepathy or is there technology involved?"
Again the completely calm, unconcerned voice came back at her "does it matter?"
"Oh, it matters to me," she answered, her gaze becoming steely and purposeful, "because I don't intend to let you continue preying on others."
The Bothan shifted a little but still seemed quite comfortable and unphazed by his situation as he asked "How would you propose to stop me?"
"We could destroy your technology, or adjust your brain wave patterns to prevent telepathy, and then we could turn you over to the government of Mithren. We could even keep you confined in our brig behind a forcefield."
The Bothan's only reaction was a slight lifting at the corners of his naturally downcurved mouth. "I'm sure you're very well intentioned, Captain," he said with only the tiniest hint of sarcasm in his tone, "and I'd like to be able to accomodate you, but you see....." he raised his eyebrows as he bagan to fade, "I'm not really here" and with that he disappeared completely, as if he had been beamed out, leaving a stunned crew behind him.

* * * * * *

"Captain's Log, Supplemental.
We have no explanation for the mysterious disappearance of the telepathic alien. We can't even be certain that he was actually here. He seems to have left us with any number of unanswered questions."

"Captain's Personal Log, Supplemental.
Unanswered questions! That's an understatement. It felt so right to be with B'Elanna, and even though I know it never really happened it feels like one of the sweetest memories I have. God! I love her so much, and having experienced her, even in my mind, I don't know if I can ever go back. I wonder what her delusion was. I wonder if I was a part of it...... Computer, delete last sentence!"

"Chief Engineer's Personal Log, Supplemental.
Kathryn, Kathryn...Oh Kahless! I can't get her out of my head. Can I pretend it never happened? Of course it didn't, did it? It was just that damn Bothan P'tach playing with my mind. But I can't get rid of this feeling that something has happened, something I can't quite explain. I wonder what her fantasy involved, whether it could possibly have been about.....no, get a grip B'Elanna!"

* * * * * *

Torres entered the mess hall and stopped as she saw the back of the captain's head in front of the viewport. She couldn't ignore the woman, she couldn't avoid her for the rest of their journey and besides, maybe...just maybe......

"I'm surprised to see you here, Captain," she said, coming up behind Janeway and pulling her out of her musings, "isn't this the day that you're usually in the holodeck with your novel?"
Janeway smiled "I thought, after our recent experience, that I'd take a break from fantasy for a while."
B'Elanna perched nervously on the stool in front of the captain, folding her arms across her chest. "I don't blame you," she said with an ironic smile, "I think it had quite an impact on all of us." She wanted to ask.....she wanted to get something, anything from this woman, even if it was just an opinion on what had really happened. She leaned in a little, raising her knee and resting her chin on it. "Do you think it's true?" she asked, looking at nothing in particular, "that the alien was reading our minds, creating images from our own experiences and desires?"
"It certainly seems that way," Janeway confirmed, leaning forward until she was only inches from B'Elanna's face, "he had an uncanny ability to bring buried thoughts out into the open."

B'Elanna looked up suddenly, sensing something unspoken move between them. Their eyes locked for a few seconds, captured in eachother's gaze, understanding, and then, seeming to remember herself, the captain sat back and asked "why?" Whether she was prompting, or just trying to break the awkward silence she couldn't have said, but in any case B'Elanna dropped her eyes again and merely replied, "Oh..it's just...I experienced something I'd rather not admit."
Janeway winced internally "I know," she said, "Me too," and again B'Elanna looked up at her, a slight flush on her cheeks and, Janeway thought, a look of wonder on her young face. The captain couldn't look at that beautiful face any longer and so she looked away, out of the viewport, breaking the silence and tension once more. "But, in a way, maybe he did us all a favour," she turned her head and looked deeply into B'Elanna's deepening eyes, "maybe it's better to look those feelings in the eye than to keep them locked up inside."
B'Elanna's breath caught in her throat and she noticed that the captain was a little flushed around the cheeks. Could she really be saying what B'Elanna thought...hoped she was saying, or was she just reading things into the captain's words that she never intended? Was that her cue? But she couldn't take the chance that she was wrong. "I guess," she answered, a little shakily, "I'll have to think about that." Janeway gave an almost imperceptible nod, and took a swig of coffee.

"Well," B'Elanna announced as she stood up, "I have an early watch tomorrow, so I'd better turn in....." she hesitated as if she were about to add something but merely said "Good night, Captain" and made for the door.
"Good night, B'Elanna," the captain responded without turning her head, but added "Sweet dreams," stopping the young woman on her way to the door. There was a pause as the Klingon turned and wondered for the last time whether she should say something before it was too late. But what could she say, to this woman.....what could she possibly say? "Thanks...." Janeway turned in surprise, thinking the woman had already left, their eyes locked again in mutual understanding, "you too" B'Elanna finished as she headed out into the corridor.

Both of them understood that something had happened and they knew the understanding was mutual, but in those few words and looks, and more importantly in the things they didn't say, they had made a joint decision. Whether they could go back neither were sure, but the decision had been made and, for the good of all, it would have to stand. They would not speak of this again.

* * * * * *End of part one of The Persistance Trilogy* * * * * *

SW
18/12/00