B'Elanna jerked and twitched, crying out with every bite of the vicious whip. Sweat ran down her naked body as it hung helplessly in the manacles and the blood from the stripes that now covered her back trickled down her buttocks, thighs and quivering legs. There was a loud crack and the lash bit into her again, pushing the breath from her body, but there was no voice left. She was too weak and exhausted even to react anymore, and when she lost consciousness the program automatically ended, letting her fall to the gridded floor of the holodeck. She had instructed the computer to beam her directly back to her quarters in this event, in order that no one else discover her in this condition, and when she came round that's where she found herself, face down on her bed, panting and shivering.

Her back felt as if it was on fire. The pain was so intense that she couldn't think of anything else. It filled her entire being, leaving no room for rational or irrational thought. This, of course, had been the object of the excersise, to expunge certain unwanted thoughts and feelings from her consciousness. Qo'jegh tay, the ritual exorcism performed for centuries by Klingon warriors that found themselves unhealthily obsessed, had definitely been her last resort. Now she had ten hours to lie and concentrate on that pain until she had to be on duty again. After a few agonising hours she eventually lapsed into a restless sleep and for the first time in months she did not dream of the object her obsession but of deamons tearing at her flesh with razor talons.

* * * * * *

Captain Kathryn Janeway paced backwards and forwards across the floor of her Ready Room. She was unusually restless today, unable to settle to anything or even concentrate enough to relax. She was so worried, she didn't know what to do for the best. It was clear there was something wrong and she wanted so much to help, but her intense desire and love for this woman made her wary, no one could know of her feelings, especially not B'Elanna herself. Eventually she came to the conclusion that she couldn't stand it any longer - she had to know what was wrong.

B'Elanna had become the most important thing in her life long ago. She felt guilty about it of course, she knew she should be equally concerned with everyone on Voyager, but she couldn't help it - she was in love. 'How much longer will I be able to hide that simple fact?' she wondered; 'how long must I hold back from what I want most?' Yes....what she wanted most....more even, she now realised with horror, than she wanted to get her crew home.

When the the senior staff had arrived for their meeting with her earlier that day, the captain had managed to focus her thoughts onto the matters for discussion. No one would ever have guessed what was going on under that calm, confident exterior, unless they were telepathic - like Tuvok, for example. He alone had noticed her restlessness and resolved to offer her an ear and a shoulder later that day. He had also noticed that B'Elanna was in pain, emotional and physical. She had sat forward in her chair for the entire meeting, and when the captain spoke to her or touched her arm, she almost imperceptibly winced. Her mind, he discovered, was in turmoil. A battle was being waged inside her which he was sure could only end in her defeat. You didn't have to be telepathic to realise she was distracted. A number of times she hadn't noticed that someone was speaking to her and sentences and questions had had to be repeated, her eyes had lost their sparkle, her movements were slow and laboured, she had seemed not to be there at all.

No, you didn't have to be telepathic, the captain had noticed this 'absence' too, noticed it not only with her eyes, but with her heart. The way B'Elanna had sat, seemingly unwilling to let her back touch the chair, she sat as if she were very stiff.....or as if she couldn't wait to get out. She was distinctly uncomfortable, that much was certain, and a number of times when Kathryn had placed a gentle hand on her arm to bring her back to awareness, she had seemed to recoil at the touch. 'Oh God!!' Kathryn thought with sudden horror, 'She knows!! She knows how I feel and she's disgusted!' The realisation hit like a brick and her knees gave way beneath her. She sat on the floor of the Ready Room with tears streaming down her face, hugging herself to try and stop the shaking. 'Oh God, what have you done, Kathryn......what have you done!' She had to explain, she had to go to B'Elanna and explain, right now. 'Calm down, Kathryn', she ordered herself, 'You are not going to go running in there like the firghtened, desperate child you are. You will retain your dignity and be calm and confident. Remember who you are, for God's sake! You are a Starfleet captain and you will not behave like this.' "Get up!"

When she again appeared as a Starfleet captain should, she tapped her commbadge "Janeway to Torres."
The sweet voice came back to her across the air, "Yes captain" was all it said, but that was enough to make her go weak at the knees again, with desire.
"I need to speak to you. Would you come to my Ready Room please."
"Yes, ma'am. On my way. Torres out."

When the door chimed Kathryn was ready. Determined not to admit her secret uneccessarily, she had forced herself to calm down and regain her dignity. "Come" she called out, hoping her voice had also returned to normal and would not crack. The door hissed open and B'Elanna strode in. The young Klingon was also determined not to loose control and stood stiffly before the captain's desk. "You wanted to see me, Captain?"
"Yes" Janeway stood, indicating the couch, "have a seat, Lieutenant."
"Thank you, ma'am, but if I'm in trouble I prefer to stand."
Janeway gave a wry smile, remembering all the times she had had to haul B'Elanna up in the early days. "You're not in trouble.....why? should you be?"
That made B'Elanna smile too, in spite of herself, "No, ma'am" she answered.
"Well, that's alright then, isn't it?" the smile that accompanied this rhetorical question was almost coquettish, B'Elanna thought as she stared at the captain's lips and licked her own at the thought of those lips kissing her all over......Then she berrated herself for the thought and lowered her eyes, willing herself to concentrate on the stinging throbs in her back to drive the captain's image from her mind. She winced and when she was ready to raise her head found the captain staring at her.

For a second they held eye contact silently and then Kathryn tore herself away in agitation and headed for the replicator "You want anything?" she enquired.
"No thank you, Captain, I'm fine."
"Are you?" muttered Janeway under her breath and, having collected her coffee, she turned and frowned to see B'Elanna still standing to attention. "Relax, B'Elanna" she said softly, and as she sat on the couch she added "I just wanted a chat."
"About what, ma'am?"
"Whatever it is that's been bothering you lately."
B'Elanna gave a puzzled look "Captain?" but Kathryn had anticipated denial and raised her hand.
"Don't 'Captain' me. It's obvious there's something wrong, don't bother to deny it." Her voice was full of concern as she sat forward and rested her forearm on her thigh. "You haven't been yourself for a while now. What's the matter B'Elanna?" Her voice was so gentle and coaxing, it had softened from that of a captain to that of a friend and the change touched B'Elanna, even as she told herself not to crack. "Tell me, B'Elanna, please. I want to help."
In a worryingly quiet and sad voice, B'Elanna said "You can't."

The young woman raised her eyes to the captain's and admitted "You're right captain, there is something, but it's personal and it doesn't need to concern you."
Janeway clicked into captain mode for a while "It does when it affects your work" she countered in her authoratitive tone.
B'Elanna was taken aback, "Has it?" she asked.
"You tell me, Lieutenant. You're distracted, withdrawn, you can't concentrate. For a chief engineer that could lead to a fatal mistake."
B'Elanna could feel the despair rising in her chest. "Captain, please" she was beginning to get flustered and gritted her teeth before continuing, "I really can't tell you what it is, but I'm dealing with it. Please believe me.....in a couple of weeks I'll be back to my old self."

Janeway sat back, an almost resigned expression on her face and decided to give it one more go. "B'Elanna," she said, "come and sit down and tell me what this is all about. I'm worried about you dammit!" "Don't worry captain, I'm okay....I'll be fine." Kathryn let her head flop back onto the couch with a sigh. She shouldn't push this, she realised; she didn't want to alienate this young woman that clearly needed help.
"Alright" she said, defeated, "but just remember if you change your mind, if you need to talk I'm here, anytime. Okay?" The sincerity and compassion in Kathryn's voice brought a lump to B'Elanna's throat. She nodded and lowered her head slowly, she didn't trust her voice so she didn't say anything, but Janeway noticed the tears in her dark eyes and her heart flooded with love. "Oh B'Elanna" she crooned softly as she got up and moved over to where the Klingon stood "can't you tell me what it is?" As she uttered these words she moved round slightly and layed a hand on the back of B'Elanna's shoulder. B'Elanna gasped, yelled and fell to her knees as a spear of pain stabbed her through. Janeway was shocked and crouched down before the shivering woman on the floor "B'Elanna!...What's wrong?" Her voice betrayed her desperation as she reached out to raise the panting young engineer's face to hers.
"It's....okay, Captain.......I...I overdid it.....in the holodeck. Pulled some muscles!"
"You haven't been turning the safties off again have you!"
"No ma'am!" in her mind B'Elanna added 'if I had I'd be dead'.

Janeway's heart raced in fear for this woman she loved but she forced the calm to settle over her as she helped her to her feet. "B'Elanna, please tell me shat's going on. That's no muscle pull."
"I can't...." she was panicking now, she had to get out before she said or did something they'd both regret. "Please, I can't tell you....I have to go." B'Elanna had noticed the despair in Kathryn, but had not recognised it for what it really was, so she was confused when the captain asked sadly "What have I done, B'Elanna?"
"What!?"
"You've been avoiding me, and now you can't even bear my touch. What have I done?" Horror swept through the younger woman and she grabbed Janeway by the shoulders.
"Nothing!.... it's not you....oh please, Captain, don't ever think that." She realised that she was holding Kathryn's shoulders and dropped her hands as if they had been burnt by the contact; then she added "It's me....my problem...I have to deal with it, and I am."

Kathryn turned her back to B'Elanna so she would not see the distress on her face and calmed herself again with a few deep breaths. Retreating behind her mask of authority she said hautily "Very well, Lieutenant. If you don't want to talk to me that is your right, I suppose, but it's clear you're not well. You're relieved of duty for the rest of the week. Go and see the doctor, then go home, get some rest and try to sort yourself out." A sudden stab of tension went through B'Elanna at the thought of having to explain anything about this to the business-like EMH and she answered "I don't need a doctor, just rest."
Janeway turned, in total captain mode now, her face unreadable she said matter-of-factly "It wasn't a request, Lieutenant."
B'Elanna closed her eyes, "yes, ma'am" she replied resignedly.
"You're dismissed" said Janeway in her captain's voice, but as B'Elanna was heading for the door she relented a little and added gently "B'Elanna, remember what I said. I'm here for you."
B'Elanna nodded. "Captain" was all she said by way of farewell, and then the doors shut behind her.

Immediately Kathryn slumped to the couch and lowered her head, her hands around the back of her skull as if she were trying to keep it on her neck. "Well, Kathryn" she said aloud, "you certainly handled that one well, didn't you?"

* * * * * *

B'Elanna trudged slowly slong the corridor, straight past the doors to sickbay and on towards her quarters. She should have been kicking herself, she knew, she should have been trying to think out what the hell she was going to do, but she was in too much pain to think of anything but getting onto her bed. When she entered her quarters she peeled her jacket straight off and dropped it to the ground, followed by her damp gray turtleneck; but when she tried to pull off the vest top beneath she discovered that it was stuck to her back. She took a deep breath, gritted her teeth and yanked the vest over her head, screaming and stumbling against a wall as the wounds on her back were torn open once more. She slithered down the smooth wall onto her knees, her hands on the floor in front of her, panting and gasping at the terrible renewal of pain and, unable to drag herself up, fell forward onto the floor. And there she lay with her naked breasts crushed against the rough carpet, as she drifted in and out of consciousness, her head pounding, her heart racing, her back screaming for relief.

* * * * * *

"Please state the nature.....oh hello, Captain, what can I do for you?" enquired the EMH politely.
"I'm fine, Doctor, I just wanted to know how B'Elanna was doing....I mean, I know you can't tell me about her as such, but I thought you might be able to give me a clue as to....."
"I'm sorry to interrupt, Captain, but I have no idea what you're talking about!"
There was a pregnant pause and then Janeway said "Oh......you mean she didn't come and see you earlier today?"
"No.....why? Is she not well?"
Janeway sighed 'I should have known' she thought to herself but she only said "I don't know doctor.....I don't know what to do with her."
She seemed so concerened, almost sad, the doctor thought. "Captain, are you sure you're alright? You look tired."
"I'm fine, Doctor, really" she said gratefully, giving his forearm a soft squeeze. "I'm going to find out what's going on with that woman once for all, and this time I won't be fobbed off. I may need you later, Doctor. Thank you."

* * * * * *

Kathryn stood outside B'Elanna's door, waiting until she was calm before ringing. There was clearly something very wrong and pushing in there in this state of anger and agitation would not help anyone. When she was ready she rang at the door......no answer, she rang again....and then again......still no answer. "Computer, location of Lieutenant Torres?"
"Lieutenant Torres is in her quarters." Fear for the woman she loved and annoyance at B'Elanna's stubborness and insubordination fought for supremacy inside the captain and eventually she gave in to the fear and overrode the security lock, gaining access to the chief engineer's quarters. What she saw there only served to heighten her distress.

An engineering jacket was lying crumpled on the floor, a few steps in front of the door, then a gray turtleneck in a similar state came to her attention. It was the blood-encrusted vest top, however, that really worried her and as she crouched down to examine it she froze as an unfamiliar rasping sound invaded her ear. She realised what that sound was, shallow shuddering breaths coming from behind her and she turned to behold the horrifying sight of the woman she loved lying face down on the floor, her back covered with a network of bleeding welts and cuts.

She cried out at the sight. "B'Elanna!" she gasped, covering the distance between them in a single desperate bound, and falling to her knees beside the shivering body. The younger woman was barely conscious as Janeway reached out to brush the hair from her face, but she knew the captain was there and she knew there was no point in denial anymore, she didn't have the energy for it in any case. And so when the shaking voice of the captain asked "who did this to you!?" she answered with the simple truth. "No one," she said weakly; "computer....in the..h..holodeck,... ..my instructions."
Janeway was confused and horrified "why!?" she almost shouted.
"Q..Qo'...jegh..tay" B'Elanna explained.
Janeway thought, it was a term she had heard before and she knew the meaning if not the significance. "The excorcism rite!?" she declared. A soft breeze blew over B'Elanna's back and she inhaled sharply at the contact, balling her fists into the carpet. "It's alright now, B'Elanna" soothed the captain, "I'll call the doctor here."
"No!" yelled the Klingon, raising her head slightly, but letting it drop back to the floor as she saw the captain's hand stop short of her commbadge. "I....I have to...finish it" she added, through gritted teeth.

When Kathryn had helped B'Elanna onto her bed and sat down beside her she asked softly "B'Elanna, I understand the concept of Qo'jegh tay, but I don't understand what could have made you desperate enough to resort to it. What is it you're trying to exorcise?"
"I....I can't t...tell you that."
"Is there no other way to deal with it?"
"No."
Janeway wanted so much to take B'Elanna's pain away but there was nothing she could do but try to understand. She was glad to see that now the young woman was off the floor and out of the draft, her pain seemed to have eased a little. She lay on her side next to B'Elanna and stroked her hair soothingly. "When did you do this?" she asked gently.
"Yesterday" came the stilted reply.
"Yesterday! And you've been working all day like this!? Oh god! I can't even stand to see you like this......how can you stand it?"
"I can't......that's the point."
Janeway winced at that, she had to know and she was going to make B'Elanna admit the truth. "Are you trying to stop yourself from killing someone, is that it?"
B'Elanna smirked in spite of her pain, "No....if anything.....the opposite." What was the point of holding back anymore? If Janeway wanted the truth she would have it. "I'm in love, Captain, but it's impossible. She and I.....we're not the same rank."
Janeway's mind ran round and round 'oh god.....in love!' the jealousy rose in her chest even as she told herself not to be ridiculous. She swallowed her emotions yet again and answered calmly "but B'Elanna, we're stuck out here in the Delta Quadrant, god knows how long for. Surely you don't think I would court-martial you, do you?"
"You don't understand.......It's not me that would get court-martialled.....I'm not the senior officer in this scenario." That was it, she'd done it now, her secret was out. She buried her face in the pillows and winced as her the stinging in her back began to grow.
"But there are no female officers ranking above you except......." Realisation hit Janeway in a second and her mouth dropped open. Now it was her that was panting and gasping "Oh god, B'Elanna .....I'm so sorry.....What have I done to you?"

As she raised her eyes to the captain's B'Elanna saw the long-threatened tears spill out of those eyes that had captured her heart. She was confused "Captain.....what....what is it?" She tried to raise herself onto her elbow to comfort Kathryn but she didn't have the strength, so she reached out a hand to take Janeway's wrist "It's not your fault.....please."
The captain had hidden her face in her hands and was shaking as the sobs ripped through her slight frame. "Oh but it is" she sobbed, lifting her face, "don't you see, B'Elanna? I love you too.....so much it hurts." B'Elanna was stunned by the force of the emotion that hit her, a strange and heady mixture of joy, acceptance, love, relief and plain old-fashined awe.
From somewhere she found the strength to raise herself and take Kathryn in her arms "Oh my love" she comforted, almost oblivious to the physical pain now "it's alright....everything wil be alright now, Kathryn." In that moment they both knew with irrevocable certainty that they would be together forever, that protocol and starfleet rules and even the sensibilities of the crew were nothing compared to this all-embracing, overpowering love that coursed through them both and would never leave them.

* * * * * *

B'Elanna lay on the biobed contemplating her future with Kathryn when the doctor appeared at her side. "Liuetenant" he said in his professional tones, "I have repaired the damage to your back and the slight internal damage that was caused. However I'm afraid there will be some permanent scarring. If you had come to see me earlier we might have avoided it but....."
"It's alright, Doctor" B'Elanna placated as she sat up and swung her legs over the edge of the bed "Let's call them.....souvenirs, shall we?"
"Well they are not the aides memoires I would choose, but if it makes you happy, by all means."
The door hissed open and Janeway came in with a broad smile on her face, elliciting a similar reponse from B'Elanna. "Ready to go, my darling?" the captain asked, much to the surprise of the doctor.
"Just try and stop me, my love" replied the lieutenant as she rose and gathered Janeway into her arms for a long, deep kiss. Then they thanked the startled EMH, turned and walked proudly out of the sickbay, their arms entwined, leaving an open mouthed doctor staring after them.

* * * * * *

The two women sat together on the couch in Kathryn's quarters, kissing and caressing tenderly and slowly undressing eachother. By the time they came up for air they were both topless and Kathryn was running her hands over B'Elanna's back, tracing the lines of the white scars. "Would it have worked?"
"What?"
"The Qo' jegh tay. Would it have driven me out of your heart?"
"I don't know.....it'd only just begun."
"Would it work now? If someone tortured you to make you give me up, would....."
B'Elanna interrupted her with a kiss and then said "No!"
"How can you be so sure?"
"I'm sure. Kathryn, they could devise horrendous methods, they could torture me to death. I'd die with your name on my lips, your beautiful face in my mind, our love in my heart."
Kathryn looked at her in wonder "oh god...." she sighed as their lips touched. "I still can't believe you went through that for me."
"I had to, I thought it was the only way."
"It never occured to you just to come and talk to me? Even when I asked you kept it locked in."
"I thought I was protecting you. I had no idea how you felt."
Janeway's face fell and she said sadly "I know, I've been pretty good at keeping things locked up too, haven't I?"
B'Elanna raised Kathryn's face to her own and kissed her gently "It must have been so lonely for you all these years, but you don't have to do that anymore, my love. Neither of us do." She gazed deeply into Janeway's eyes, full of hope and wonder like her own and added "gods Kathryn, I love you so much," before capturing her lips in a kiss that left them both breathless with its intensity.
Then B'Elanna felt the gravelly words murmured softly against her aching lips. "Make love to me" they said invitingly, pleadingly, lovingly.

* * * * * *

B'Elanna stood and pulled Kathryn up into her arms. Then B'Elanna dropped to her knees, trailing kisses down Kathryn's body as she went, and grasped the front of the captain's trousers. In a second the trousers were round kathryn's ankles, and she was stepping out of them. B'Elanna then peeled the undies off her captain, stood up slowly and stepped back to get a good look at her new lover. Gods, the woman was stunning. Her body was small and compact but strong and lithe, the power of the arms and legs were obvious and yet she was not overly muscled, but rather feminine. Kathryn smiled at the wordless approval and stepped forward to take B'Elanna in her arms and engage her aching lips in a tender exploration. During the kiss she reached down to unzip B'Elanna's trousers and soon it was she that was standing back, admiring the the splendour and beauty of the naked woman before her.

"God, B'Elanna. You're so beautiful" she sighed, elliciting a wry smile from the Klingon.
"Look who's talking" said B'Elanna, as she reached out for Kathryn to draw her back into her embrace. B'Elanna gently pushed Kathryn backwards until she reached the couch, and sat, pulling Kathryn down with her. The kisses that ensued started gently but became increasingly passionate as they nibbled and sucked at eachother's lips and tongues. B'Elanna was supporting Kathryn's back with one hand while the other stroked the captain's chest and breasts, making her moan. Kathryn needed B'Elanna's lips on her nipples and, reaching up, buried her hands in the Klingon's thick hair and pulled her head down to her tingling, straining nipple. The offered nipple was taken gratefully, licked, sucked and bitten, causing the captain to fling back her head and cry aloud "oh God, B'Elanna......yes.....yes, my love." She could not support herself any longer and fell back against the arm of the couch. The tension in her was incredible, the soft but firm lips sending sparks of desire through her body. Her breathing was ragged and peppered with moans of pleasure, pleasure she had not felt in years, if ever at all.

B'Elanna's mouth travelled all over Janeway's body, from nipple to nipple, across the ribs, over her perfect abs, up and down the inside of the trembling legs. As she licked and kissed, she made a point of coming closer and closer to Kathryn's aching clit, without ever quite getting there. She loved to stretch this part out, to avoid that most sensitive place, building the tension in both of them until it was unbearable, until she could not resist any longer, until she had wrung pleas for mercy from her lover. Those pleas came, sending a shiver of power and desire through the young woman. "Oh please.....please B'Elanna" came the shuddering voice of the captain as she thrashed about in her ecstacy. B'Elanna could not wait any longer, not this time. There would be time for teasing in the sweet nights ahead of them, now she wanted to taste Kathryn on her tongue. She parted Kathryn's dripping labia gently and her tongue found the hard nub immediately. As she felt the tip of B'Elanna's tongue on her clit, the breath caught in Kathryn's throat and she bucked against the pressure. B'Elanna pushed Janeway's hips back down onto the sofa and placed a restraining arm over them as her tongue began to flick against the throbbing clit.

Kathryn didn't know whether she was in heaven or hell. She never wanted this to end and yet she couldn't stand it any longer. Her whole body burned and jerked and shuddered under B'Elanna's touch, the pleasure was so intense that it was almost painful, tears formed in her eyes and began to spill over, burning her cheeks as they fell. Then she felt the change in her that meant she was approaching orgasm, a tingling deep inside that grew and grew and grew until, in a mighty explosion of pleasure, it overwhelmed her. She screamed B'Elanna's name as she came, jerking and bucking, gasping and moaning loudly. The waves of pleasure seemed to go on forever, the aftershocks pulsing through her again and again, hardly seeming to wane at all. Then she was pulled into the strong arms of her lover, feeling soft kisses rain down on her face, kissing and gently licking the tears away. When eventually the spasms died away and she collpased against B'Elanna's soft chest, utterly exhausted, utterly happy, she smiled to herself and let out a sigh of total contentment. It had felt so good to give up control to this woman she loved so much and she knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that finally and forever she had come home.

The End

SW
09/04/00