A Lady’s Guide to Outdoor Festivals:
Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Bonnaroo
Many city-born or city-bred ladies have, in recent years, begun dating members of the neo-hippie set, who enjoy unfamiliar activities such as camping with no car in sight, walking with no road in sight, and eating with no restaurant in sight. Further, it is becoming quite common for these males to request that we urban-dwellers accompany them to one of their social gatherings, referred to as outdoor festivals or music festivals. These gatherings, while conducive to tanning, socializing and general merriment, are not generally held in locations comfortable to urban-dwellers, such as office buildings, small city parks, or even the beach.
These efforts to remove ladies of the city from their natural habitat have resulted in some unfortunate situations that can be avoided by sharing experiences among the displaced set. To that end, I have applied my knowledge – gleaned from field observation and the sage advice of more experienced explorers – to the creation of a guide for ladies attending their first outdoor festival.
I. Assumptions
1. There are no showers. I repeat: there are no showers. If there are showers, you may still want to go native in order to blend in.
2. Whether “the facilities” are actual toilets or port-o-johns, they will not look like the bathrooms at your office. I refer to them as port-o-johns here to illustrate this point.
3. You will feel a little inhibited upon arrival. You may see people dancing without music, talking without a companion, and sleeping in the middle of a group of onlookers. Familiarize yourself with the proper responses to these types of people by following the lead of others.
4. You may also feel a little light-headed upon arrival. This is normal, as the air in these remote locations tends to be less thick than the city.
5. Tall buildings – in fact buildings in general – will be rare if at all present. You may be able to see an actual sunset. Due to lack of light at night, you will probably even be able to see stars. Do not be alarmed. Sunsets and stars are both natural phenomena.
II. The Necessities
1. Lever 2000
Anti-Bacterial Wipes and Playtex Personal Cleansing Cloths
Use the Lever 2000 wipes liberally – buy the box. Use the Playtex cloths instead of using toilet paper, which may have been on the floor of the port-o-john only seconds before. To transport, tuck into bra strap. You may want to bring extra to help a sister in need.
2. Small flashlight
The first time you have to use the port-o-john at night, you will be awfully glad you have a flashlight. Don’t set it down – hold it with your teeth or hang it around your neck.
3. Earplugs
While the phenomenon known as the “drum circle” may be
wonderfully primal and engaging to the participants, it is torture for anyone
trying to sleep at
4. Sunscreen
Avoid the dreaded farmer’s tan (on both arms and legs) and the “lobster” look (on your face). Also, don’t forget the tops of your ears, the tops of your feet, and the backs of your hands.
5. Water bottle
While purchasing water is a common practice among city ladies, the amount of water you need to stay hydrated at festivals would set you back a car payment or two if you bought it in individual bottles.
Also: hat (straw or light fabric), daypack, rain jacket, lots of underwear
III. The Luxuries
1. Money
As a city-dweller, there may not be many items for sale that your style could accommodate. However, it is always wise to have a little cash, so you may want to bring a few $20s.
2. Deodorant
No one will be wearing it, but you may choose to do so. It is less than effective after 3 days without a shower.
3. Hand-held personal
fan
If you bring one of these, also pack about a million batteries. Also, as a crowd-pleaser, you may bring a spray bottle of water.
4. Low-back chair
Beach chair that sits on the ground. More common among the older set. To blend in, you may bring a ground cloth or blanket.
5. Clean clothes for
each day
As with deodorant, no one will be wearing it.
IV. What You Don’t
Need
1. A razor
As mentioned, there are no showers.
2. Uncomfortable or
valuable anything
No metal watch, no fab new bag, no heels or wedges.
3. Makeup or hair
products
You’ll ruin your complexion or your hair – or both.
4. Anything white
It will not be white when you leave, and will probably never be white again.
5. Cell ‘phone
Even if you get service, who are you going to call? Leave it locked in the car.
V. What You Need to
Remember
1. Wear sunscreen every day, sunrise to sunset.
2. Sip water all day, every day.
3. Mud, dirt, grass and leaves are not going to hurt you.
4. No one is looking at your hairy legs/armpits.
5. Talking to strangers is perfectly acceptable. Unlike the subway, these people do not want your change.
Most of all, enjoy your time away from the city. When you get home, you will have a renewed appreciation for running water (even if the pipes rattle), air conditioning (even if the window unit drips water), and maybe even the neo-hippie you’re dating (even if he doesn’t shave every day).