GRACE: Sorry, babe. He doesn't bat for your team.
WILL: Well... He hasn't seen me pitch.
GRACE: Ok. You give, I'll receive.
WILL: Just as God intended it.
WILL: Well, I got to be nicer to you.
JACK: Yes, you do.
WILL: Because you are a good friend.
JACK: Yes, I am.
WILL: I know it's got to be rough on you.
JACK: Will, don't.
WILL: Trapped in a man's body like that.
JACK: For your information, I was having a heart-to-heart call with someone who actually cares about me.
WILL: Jack, nobody actually cares about you at Dial-a-Dude.
WILL: Have a good time. And remember, wear reflective tape, get lots of candy, and don't put anything in your mouth that isn't wrapped.
JACK : I wanna get there before the parade starts, so, uh, one last chance. You coming?
WILL: Ok. Ok. We just--one thing we need to do first: everything else in our lives.
GRACE: Ok, our Ingmar Bergman film festival is about to commence. How excited are we?
WILL: I am very excited, in a bleak, desolate, existential-voidy kind of way.
KAREN: Well, we were just about to get on our plane to go black-pearl shopping in Bora Bora, when, all of a sudden, I looked at Stan, and it dawned on me, marriage shouldn't be this much work.
WILL: Karen, I'm a corporate attorney. What you need is a good divorce lawyer, or, perhaps, just a good pharmacist.
KAREN: The nastiness comes so easily to your people. Come on, Will. Don't patronize me. I know exactly what kind of lawyer you are: an obscure one. And that's why I need you. I have to find out about Stan's corporate holdings without him knowing.
WILL: Really? This is so... Alexis Carrington.
WILL: (TO WAITER) Excuse me, could I get the check... and an airlift out of here?
GRACE: I'm waving the white delicate. Can we be friends again?
WILL: I don't know. I made a lot of money tonight. I was gonna buy myself a new one.
GRACE: He lied to me? But that's so... dishonest.
WILL: I know. To think, in New York City, that someone could actually try to shaft you in business-- It's...shocking. People can... can be such meanies.
GRACE: You play hardball, baby. Throw 'em low and inside. He's crowding the plate, and we've gotta go for--
WILL: Grace. Sports-- You're losing me.
WILL: Hey, how 'bout those Knicks? See how desperate I am to change the subject? I'm referencing sports.
WILL: Bad morning. I just found a gray chest hair. So depressing. I went to bed young, and I woke up Ari Onassis.
JACK: I need you make a decision for me, and I need you to make it now.
WILL: Don't have the sex change. They never work out.
JACK: I've narrowed your birthday festivities down to a couple of choices. Pick one. Drinks and dancing at The Spear.
WILL: Oh, no, no. That bar is pure skank. It's no place to spend my birthday. It's more like a place to spend...your birthday.
JACK: [PICKING UP THE PHONE] Vicious, party of one. Vicious, party of one. [TO WILL] Ok, second-- and this is the one I'm really pulling for-- you and me on a gay singles weekend cruise. Kind of a cruise...to cruise.
WILL: Oh, yeah, that's where I want to be-- on a boat in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by a thousand, lonely, sea-sick queens, weeping into their guacamole.
GRACE: Put down the sports page and listen. You're only looking at the pictures anyway.
WILL: That is not true-- [GRACE TRIES TO GRAB THE NEWSPAPER] Hey! I'm a sports fan! I am a sport-- Look here. It says right here that the Steelers lost by 17 points to--to these big guys with the big arms.
GRACE: Cute waiters serving the oysters you love.
WILL: Yeah. Do you suppose I could get the oysters to serve the cute waiters I love?
JACK: Yeah, it's nice, but listen, please, don't say anything. I promise I'll tell him. I just got to find the right moment.
WILL: Well, maybe during lunch, you know, when he finds out that McFarland can't afford the McNuggets because he's a McLiar.
JACK: Look at me, Will. Think of how many funny little Jack stories you can spin out of this predicament. This is Grade-A fodder for a bitch like you.
WILL: Have a seat, boss.
BOBBI: Will, is it my imagination, or do you get handsomer and handsomer?
WILL: No, it's true. I get handsomer by the minute. I've got time-lapse photos that would amaze you.
WILL: You're just not my type of woman. Ok? I prefer...someone taller. And, uh, with a hairy chest. Ha!
GRACE: I've narrowed it down to something spandex with padding.
WILL: So we're gonna get him Richard Simmons?
WILL: Hey, good for you. Tell me about her. What does she do? What does she look like? Does she have strong thighs and broad shoulders? And is that even something you look for, or is that just me?
SAM: Just you.
PETER: Is everyone is this building good-looking?
WILL: Oh, no. We make the ugly ones take the stairs.
JACK: Now, there is one question you can ask that will reveal the truth. I hesitate to share this secret with you, for it has awesome power.
GRACE: What would that question be?
JACK: [INHALES DEEPLY] Are... You... Gay?
WILL: Thank you, Homo Wan Kenobi.
JACK: [RAPPING, WITH KAREN CLAPPING] To the cabin we will go, to ski upon the snow. We'll see a lot of bears, forgettin' all our cares.
WILL: Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Puff Mommy.
JACK: My God, What if we got trapped here? Who'd we eat first?
WILL: Well, Karen's out, because there's nothing natural or digestible on her body. But I mean that as a complement.
WILL: Allow me to go hunt and gather for the womenfolk.
GRACE: Jack, don't you think it would be nice if you went with Will so that he didn't have to go alone?
JACK: Ok.
WILL: Very well. I'll hunt and gather with the womenfolk.
JACK: I got 40 hours of community service. I have to pick up trash for the next 2 weeks.
WILL: At least this trash won't call you the next morning.
JACK: Ooh, look, there's a guy over there who can bench 300 pounds, and I'd like to be 160 of them. [YELLS ACROSS THE ROOM] Hello! Press this!
WILL: Now, now-- listen. Swishburger, this is not like your old gym. Look around. Nary a nipple ring in sight. No men in Flashdance collars. And behold...women!
JACK: There were women at my old gym.
WILL: Not on their birth certificate.
JACK: The jock block, Will. Or, as they say south of the border, el jocko blocko. [SNAPS FINGERS.]
WILL: You're gonna have to help me here. I don't speak pidgin homo.
JACK: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shielding a desirable carcass from a much hotter vulture.
WILL: See, this is what happens when you watch Wild Kingdom and gay porn with picture in picture.
GRACE: Could I ever have a body like hers?
WILL: Well, she appears to be of Nordic descent. They tend toward the live and bosomy, so--so as to help their buoyancy whilst navigating down the fjords.
JACK: You're pathetic and gross, and there's nothing wrong with my tone.
WILL: Yeah, except that whenever you open your mouth, a purse falls out.
JACK: What are you so afraid of, that everybody's gonna find out you're gay?
WILL: No.
JACK: Oh. They don't all know yet, do they?
WILL: I don't know. Some do, some don't. I don't exactly put it on my business card. "Will Truman, Gay, Member since 1982."
GRACE: I can't get the lily to stand up straight.
WILL: Really? Even after you yelled at it? What a disobedient lily. Maybe you should spank it.
GRACE: Don't touch anything. You know what I mean. It's arranged perfectly in there.
WILL: I can't make any promises, Grace. I may have to lift the toilet seat. But I'll make mental note of where it was and put it back exactly as I found it.
GRACE: Oh, it's just that sometimes-lately-all the time, you have a tendency-habit-compulsion to run my life.
WILL: Well, excuse me for caring. It's just I'm the one that always has to clean up the mess. I'm like the little guy in the circus who has to follow the elephant around with a bucket.
WILL: Hey, Danny. How you doing?
DANNY: All right. I'm all right. How about you? You, uh--you know, you still into guys and all that?
WILL: Yeah, I'm afraid so. The antibiotics just didn't seem to work.
For Season 2.
For Season 3.
