GRACE : Do you just run around naked all day in war paint chasing things with a pointy stick?
WILL: Grace... It's the Virgin Islands. It's not Fire Island.
GRACE: No. No, I'm not going to be chased out of my own apartment. Then they'll have won. I'm gonna be strong. Will you sleep over with me tonight? Please!Please, please, please--
WILL: Why do I only get these offers from women? Ok, all right, all right, all right!
GRACE: Thank you! Who's my hero? Who's my big strong man?
WILL: I don't know. We'll stay over till he shows up.
WILL: Could we talk about your toenails?
GRACE: I'm sorry. I'll cut them.
WILL: Don't you need them for tree climbing and warding off predators?
WILL: Where every red-blooded American man goes when he needs to blow off steam... The sweater department at Bergdorf's.
WILL: Are you actually surprised that Jack McFarland took advantage of you? I mean, that's like being surprised when the counter help at yogurt shop seems sad for no reason. I mean, come on, this is Jack we're talking about.
KAREN: Go on, salesperson...
WILL: Jack is like a-- a puppy. You don't stop loving him because he piddles on the carpet. You just roll up a newspaper and hit him on the snoots.
KAREN: He does have that sweet puppy breath.
WILL: Yeah. And we both know how much he loves chasing that tail.
GRACE: I wish I had a caddy. Somebody who'd tell me about the hazards up ahead and carry my stuff.
WILL: I think I'm your caddy.
LARRY: Hi, guys, great to see you. I'd kiss, but it's flu season. This is Hannah. She's our little pudding.
WILL: Something tells me the, uh, the baby oil is actually going to be used on babies this year.
JOE: You'd be a great dad, Will.
WILL: Yeah, you know, I always thought I would. Yeah, I totally want this. I just have to find the right guy... and the right uterus. Hopefully not in the same person.
JACK: No, I'm not. I mean, what would I get out of that? You're gonna be a great dad because for the last 10 years, you've been a great one to me.
WILL: Wanna stop for ice cream?
JACK: Nah.
WILL: Wanna go to a bar and look at hot guys?
JACK: I love you, daddy.
JACK: Sorry I called you a tight-ass cyber-sissy.
WILL: Oh, that's ok. Sorry I called you a shallow, youth-obsessed, prancing cabaret queen.
JACK: You didn't call me that.
WILL: Well, I meant to.
JACK ( showing off his new shirt ): Will, what do you think? Too gay?
WILL: Yeah, definitely. But the shirt's good.
JACK: I can't.
WILL: You "can't?" You're not shy around men. You'd hit on the Pope if he drove a better car. Come on.
WILL: Hey, hey. What's with this page? "Baby bear needs mama bear." You- You're only supposed to use that in a gay emergency.
JACK: It is an emergency. He's back. 32 long is back. His pants... Are ready. Have lovelier words ever been uttered?
WILL: Say it soft, and it's almost like praying.
JACK: I need your help, Will. I figured out what it is about him that scares me. He's a smarty. I heard him on his cell phone using big words like "particular" and "delicatessen." I need you to make me smart.
WILL: All right. I'll--I'll need a mad scientist, two electric switching helmets, and a willing monkey.
MATTHEW: No, I'm a sports writer. I write news, sports, you know, like that.
WILL: Sports? I got nothing. The last sporting event I watched was "Circus of the Stars."
GRACE: I guess I always thought of myself as a little kinky.
WILL: Come on, Grace. It's ok. I've never been in a 3-way.
GRACE: Yeah, but you're gay. You have the kinky built in.
WILL: Oh, sure. That's why I joined.
GRACE ( about Will's birthday ): Just think, it was exactly this moment that you pushed your way into this world, looked over your shoulder, and said, "You know what? That's not for me."
WILL: I thought maybe it was a snap judgment, but you know what? I was right.
GRACE: Can you believe him? He spilled our soup, he left a thumbprint in my steak, and now-- [GASPING] Oh! Oh! That table is having cappuccino. He said the machine was broken. He lied!
WILL: He did? And he's a hero to millions of kids!
WILL: Why would I possibly want to discuss my future with Psychic Sue?
GRACE: Will, she is so amazing. I just went to her a couple of days ago, and she knew everything about me. She knew that I didn't get along with my mother, she knew I had relationship problems, and she knew my best friend was gay.
WILL: You just described all of the single women in New York.
JACK: Hi, honey. How was your day?
WILL: What are you doing here?
JACK: [EXITING WILL'S BEDROOM, WEARING WILL'S KOMONO] Would you calm down? I'm just using your tub. And your Ylang-Ylang. Do ya like, ya like?
WILL: Why don't ya leave, ya leave?
JACK: Why are you so crabby? Bad day at the office?
WILL: No. I just wanted to come home... And not to Madame Butterfly.
JACK: Hello, gorgeous suit. When did we get this, huh? And it fits you so nice. [JACK RUNS HIS HANDS DOWN WILL'S BODY] The shoulders, and the pecs, and the pits, and the waist... Whoo!
WILL: I am not having sex with you!
JACK: What?!
WILL: I am never having sex with you! We are never gonna have sex. Sex, with you, no.
JACK: Oh, you poor thing, that wasn't sex. All right, uh, how can I explain this? Um... Ok, when two men are in love and committed... And greased up like pigs at a county fair...
ROB: It is a scientific fact that college girls love getting it on in their folks' house. You have nailed her, haven't you?
WILL: Oh, please! Huh. I've not only nailed her, I--I've sanded, buffed, stained and spackled her.
WILL: I--I think on some level I've always known. You know, I mean, the guy toweling himself off in the Zest commercial always did a little too much for me.
GRACE: Oh, great. Great. The Zest guy knew before me.
WILL: No, no, no, no. Listen. That's not what I'm saying. I don't think I really knew for sure until we were in bed together. You know? And I took one look at you in your sexy underwear, and I just went... "Whoa. I am gay."
For Season 1.
For Season 2.
