| Sailor Moon - The Outlaws By Buni - 1/20/02 OOC: 10/5 Plot: 4/5 Idea: 3/5 Foul Language: 5/5 Over All: 1/5 When I first spotted this story on Fanfiction.net I was a bit skeptical. The story was basically the Sailor Moon heroines turned bandits. Since it had 70 reviews I clicked the link anyway thinking "What the hell, it can't be too bad if it has 70 reviews." Remind me to never use that kind of logic again. The author begins with a usual note stating it is their first fanfic and not to be too harsh. ... Would a suggestion of stop writing and learn the basics before even attempting again be too harsh? The author goes on to explain the *new* names for the Inner "Scouts" (keeping their first name) and *new* names for "Darien" and his generals. The author also gives them new ages. o.O (somehow..."Serena" is the leader of the bandits even though she's the youngest at age 20. Of course, I'm thinking in the logic of Usagi and Serena are a bit wimpy and cry babies and if they were placed in a bandit situation...Rei would be leader....then again...the soldiers would never be bandits to begin with...) The first line of the story is what immediately grabbed me and screamed "TURN BACK!". Of course- I have that stupid curiosity in bad fics (someday that trait is going to kill me). "We need to rob a bank and get some money. They consider us outlaws why don't we live up to it, Jupiter asked. There are so many things wrong in just this first sentence. A comma instead of a period, no closing quotation marks, and (this is priceless) Jupiter is written as "asking" when clearly she is "stating". It's obvious that the story isn't going to get any better; how true my observation was. Venus ends up being Moon's sister (oh God...) and Mercury has become so weak that she just goes with what everyone else thinks. The reader is nicely informed that Moon is the best shooter out of the whole bunch. Excuse me, but the real Moon is far from best at fighting let alone aiming a gun. She had a hell of a time throwing her tiara! >.< Moon also has a horse named "Trigger". *perverted thoughts* The story also has inconsistencies, such as Moon stating that Jupiter has killed 25 people. Later on, when Jupiter is about to be hung, the Judge of the town informs the crowd she has killed 31 people. The author also has lovely informalities of scene changes using "10 minutes till dawn: Hotel Room" and "Outside on the stage". "Lita" has become incredibly hostile- even proclaiming everyone can go to hell. Moon's character develops even further when she shoots the Sheriff in the head. o_o Then this nice, confusing, line is brought into the story after Moon gets shot: "Damn it, don't you know how to fucking aim," Moon yelled as she shot the gun who fired the gun and held her leg. So...she shot the gun and Who fired the gun...or, she shot at the gun as she was shooting the gun. @_@ Obviously, she's shooting the person who shot her but what kind of sentence is that?!?! x.x The reason Moon was shot was because a small child was in the bullet's path. Interestingly, the child has blonde hair and blue eyes. *snorts* The new, badly, named male bandits encounter the girls for the first time in the story later on with the excuse of following Moon back to the girl's hideout. Venus introduces them in a long-winded sentence where she uses the phrase "a.k.a." quite a bit. "He, He's my older brother," Moon said as everybody gasped. The chapter ends with the surprise of "Jedite" being Moon's older brother. Therefore, Venus's older brother. Oddly, Venus didn't recognize her brother's name (hell, she gasps with everyone else! She’s even the one who introduces them by reading their names off of a newspaper!) and she would have known him longer since she's 22. But no, Moon; the 20 year old younger sister, remembers “Jedite” quite clearly calling him a “Mother Fucker”. *laughs as Word underlines the word “fucker” in red* I'm not even willing to read the next six chapters since they're obviously not going to be any better then the first chapter. *shakes head* This story shouldn't even be in the Sailor Moon section! All it is is an original story made up by the author who likes Sailor Moon so much that they inserted the soldier's names and planets they represent to poorly designed characters. Granted, the story idea isn't bad for an ORIGINAL story. *sighs* At least there wasn't a SerenaxHaruka pairing. *Michirelley runs by* |