The Worst Records!

The Worst Albums-Ever!

These are all songs/artists that I find so loathsome, so utterly beneath contempt, the songwriting so puerile and hackneyed that I would rather endure dental surgery than listen to even a single note. I find the sound of a knife and fork scraping on an empty plate preferable to listening to the songs on the list below. To me, the high-pitched whistling shriek of two big Styrofoam blocks being rubbed quickly together is like a symphony compared to the ordeal of listening to these songs. If someone wanted to extract information from me, playing the music listed below would get me talking almost immediately.

Each entry has comments, and it must be noted that before deciding on this list, I have listened to the complete discographies of all of the groups or artists below. "Entire Discography" means that after evaluation of the entire catalogue of the artist, I believe that nothing that they ever recorded is of any merit whatsoever.

This list is the soundtrack to whatever is underneath Hell.

Michael Bolton-Entire Discography (How this neck-vein popping, pseudo-emotional, Joe Cocker wannabe ever achieved fame is beyond me. His arrogance almost defies belief. When accepting a Grammy for his cover of "When a Man Loves a Woman," he thanked everyone except Percy Sledge, who wrote and performed the song! When his omission was pointed out to him, he shrugged it off. I would experience a real sense of shame if I actually liked any aspect of this sub-mediocre performer.)

Celine Dion-Entire Discography (French Canadian Celine is responsible for some of the greatest capital crimes in music, notably "My Heart Will Go On" and "Power of Love." I believe her to be nothing more than a Streissand sound-alike, who ham-handedly misinterprets every song that comes across her music stand.)

Jimmy Buffett-Entire Discography (Faux Beach Bum Buffett has laughed all the way to the bank getting VERY white kids to buy his records. Tuneless, drunken, infantile melodies all sound the same. The music can only be appreciated after having one's head completely clogged with bong resin, or by the type of person who shouts out obscenities during "Mony Mony" thinking that they are being very clever. His boxed set "Beaches, Boats, Bars, and Ballads" is wretched in the extreme, not even interesting enough to have a good time while you make fun of it. )

Billy Joel-"Uptown Girl," many of his 1980's "rock" songs, especially "We Didn't Start the Fire" (Billy Joel is a brilliant songwriter. He composed some really good ballads: "Just the Way You Are," "New York State of Mind," etc. in the 70's. However, when the 80's rolled around, he decided to try his hand at New Wave with the "Glass Houses" album. A misfire, to be sure, but not his worst. However, his "Uptown Girl" and the really horrible "We Didn't Start the Fire" are only two of the really bad attempts Joel made to "rock out." I find "We Didn't..." especially annoying, because teachers actually used the song in classrooms to teach history. On the subject of the Billy Joel live in Russia album, "Concert," singer/songwriter Graham Parker said, "in Russia, you have all this disinformation. I mean, they actually think Billy Joel is a rock and roll singer.")

Dexy's Midnight Runners-"Come On, Eileen" (Skiffle band Dexy's changed their look and music for each album. Although the album "Too Rye Ay" has some very good moments, this brain-dead "lets smash our beer mugs on the bar" song isn't one of them. It lowers the IQ of any room in which it is played.)

Murray Head-"One Night in Bangkok"(This piece of dung is from the musical "Chess." Yes, it's a musical about a chess game! Offensive in the extreme, especially for Asians, who are stereotyped in the song. Its only saving grace is a killer shakuhachi [Japanese flute] solo.)

Whitney Houston- "The Greatest Love of All" (The song's writer, George Benson is a great guitarist. Why oh why did he write this? This anthem to self-love is so full of musical cliches, it's the musical equivalent of putting cement lawn gnomes on the White House lawn.)

REO Speedwagon-"Keep On Loving You" (Kevin Cronin and company wrote some good rockers and some ballads, and were great to see live, but this song is just too over the top in its syrupy sweetness. When I hear it, I feel as if I am being thrown from a great height into a 40-foot dumpster filled with honey.)

America-Entire Discography (The only good thing about these guys is that late funnyman Phil Hartman painted their album covers. Wimpy singing, mediocre playing and songs that go nowhere lyrically combine to make a truly difficult listening experience.)

Crystal Waters-"Gypsy Woman" (The ex-wife of Rodney King [the guy who was taped getting beaten by the L.A. police] managed to put out a record that at the same time is the most annoying and musically irrelevant song in the last ten years. )

Richard Simmons-"Reach" (Yes, THAT Richard Simmons! This record is the single worst thing I have in my collection. It features Simmons singing and shrieking aerobics instructions in his sissy voice over a pulsing disco beat. This record is so bad, the first time I heard it, my jaw dropped to the ground like the wolf in a Tex Avery cartoon when he sees a pretty girl.)

Remember, it's only my opinion. Please try to refrain from posting "testimonials" from people who are actual fans of the groups above. (They should probably have a sense of shame for liking them, anyway.) After all, Vanilla Ice sold 7 1/2 million albums, so quantity does not always equal quality.