Booze, Primates, and Ingrown Toenails

by Scott Savitz

The following are a few humorous messages sent out to other members of my department. Note that "ChEGA" is our social group.

Friends,

For months now, your minds have probably been focused on a single question of the utmost importance. "After a year of joy and mirth, how will the second-year class bring its leadership of ChEGA to a close?" I hear you mull. "How will they top off the successful events of the last year, of which only a fraction (7/8) involved alcohol of some kind?"

Well, mull no more. Now is this winter of our expensive utility bills made glorious summer by this fun and sport. (Well, there are no sports involved, but I needed the word "sport" to fit the paraphrase.) Brace yourself for the excitement of--yes, you may have guessed it by now-- THE ANNUAL POST-QUALIFIER PARTY!

Tomorrow, we'll be using the first-year students' initiation ritual as an excuse for all of us to celebrate. At 4:30 in the afternoon, we will gather at ______, where we will toast another year of togetherness, a year of struggles and triumphs, a year in which we bonded and otherwise caused ourselves injury with krazy glue. ChEGA funds will provide for ample pitchers of beer and soda for everyone.

--Scott Savitz

P.S. In honor of this special event, I've composed a brief poem. I hope to set it to music and sell it for use in an advertising jingle or TV theme song. If anyone has any suggestions about whom I might contact, I'd greatly appreciate them.

Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot

Wouldn't you like to get away
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came

You want to go where people know
Your troubles are all the same
You want to go
Where everybody knows your name

Attention one and all! I'd like to take this opportunity to announce the publication of "Yo!", a guide to, of, and for the ChE department, developed by Nicole Pellegrini and myself. "Yo!" is an extremely serious piece of work, dealing with such critical issues as ingrown toenails, Brazilian food, free alcohol, and the significance of middle initials. "Yo!" provides a range of information on the department, Penn, and the Philadelphia area, and is especially useful for recruits and incoming students. If you'd like to get a copy, please stop by the ChE office. "Yo!"--ask for it by name. -Scott

Fellow ChEs: This week, we come together for one extraordinary purpose--a purpose so noble, so refined, that we can only contemplate it in the context of "March Madness" and hangovers from St. Patty's Day. I mean, of course, the pinnacle of our annual recruiting weekend, in which we get the recruits so drunk that they agree not only to come to Penn, but also to donate organs that they're still using. Seriously, folks, we'll be celebrating things that improve with age--wine, cheese (especially Limberger), the Towne Building, and the people we care about. The annual wine and cheese party will be held this Saturday, 7-10:30, at ___.Spouses and spousal equivalents are welcome, as are most members of the primate family.

The party is at _____. We will arrange to have a doorperson--I'm sorry, I mean person of door--just inside to greet you, although you will have to ring the bell yourself. Originally, we were going to have Quasimodo ring the bell, but he was busy making some stupid Disney movie. So come on out! -Scott P.S. Writing this public announcement was my contribution to the party, but reading it shouldn't be yours! Approach your local second-year student, give them a big hug, and ask how you personally can aid in the preparations for this special event. Don't hold back--ChEGA wants you!

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