The music you listen to sucks, almost as bad as you dress. Now, pretty much any music you or your friends listen to can be graded in four catagories: Shit, Shitter, Shittest, and last but certainly not least Emo. Now for those of you sliding a finger up your own rectum thinking "No, he's not talking about Hawthorne Heights or H.I.M." I am. They suck and you know they suck. As a matter of fact you suck and I hope you fucking choke. But onto the in depth analysis.
- Country Music: Rating Shitter
This' the music your aging parents listen to because it reminds them of the good ol' days. Not. The only reason they listen to this garbage is because it makes them feel smart and patriotic. There are some general things to associate country music with:- Incestuals
- Gay Men
- Bestiallity
- Old Smelly people
Country music on a lyrical level is boring as shit. There are three types of Country songs:
- Patriotic: This always makes me feel wonderful about being American. These songs proudly declare our defiance and resilience to the rest of the world with music that grown men molest their sisters to.
- Love Songs: These always have something to do metaphorically with sheep and how good they are to fuck, but are they really in metaphor? I don't think so.
- Redneck Pride: This' almost as wonderful as the other two but dumber still. This can be summed up as the redneck equivalent to "We're here and queer get used to it", which, for the most, part succeeds in making me repeatedly jam pencils into my ears.
- Punk Rock: Rating Shittest/Emo
Punk Rock is all about rebellion and the spirit of it. To amplify the message, sitting-on-the-jon-constipated-type vocals are used on top of instrumental complexity so difficult that a 7 year old could figure it out. The artist at the forefront here is Green Day who blow more than a drunken Vietnamese whore. I mean really, how rebellious can you be at the age of 30? Seriously, make-up? Come on! Anybody listening to this bullshit should try rebelling against something a little cooler, like life and try suicide. That'll show em' who's boss! - Reggae: Rating: Stupid
This' the music of choice for brain-rotted pot heads, because the only way you can bear listening to it is if you can watch the air too. Every musician who wrote any amount of Reggae is black, poor, and hopelessly addicted to pot (and probably engaged to their brother) which raises my next question: how do they buy all that pot and can still afford to record stuff? I think they skip out on buying food and eat each other, in a similar manner as cockroaches. So by the Transitive property of math, all reggae musicians are cockroaches. I rule. - Heavy Metal: Rating: Fucking Retarded
You want to hear some heavy metal? Take a tire iron and flail your head wildly against it. All this "music" is is just noise. 4 year olds who get ahold of their parents pots and pans make more competent sounds than this bullshit. Oh wait, it gets even worse: the singing (or lack thereof) is some loud screechy "screaming". Whoo! That's so fucking cool! Pasty white kids who don't get their way listen to this garbage. Everyone at my shitty job listens to it. I can't stand it, especially when you realize that they're actually decaying your hearing by listening to it anywhere near you. If you really want to destroy your hearing that bad, then throw a rock at a child. Between the mother's bitching and the child's crying, you'll have your "heavy metal".
Bottom Line: Go buy some fucking Vanilla Ice.
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Updated: 6/30/06.
© 2006 Scalping People