I hate cats. They are lazy, good for nothing pieces of fresh green pig shit. That's why I scalp them. At least then I can feed them to my dog and save money on dog food.
Who the hell do they think they are? Always walking on tables and shitting all over the place. I was at a friend's house once, and when he wasn't looking, I threw his cat into the creek behind his house and smashed its head in with a rock. It deserved it, because I can tell that if it could talk, it would have insulted me. What an asshole.
Last winter, a cat fell into my pool and was frozen halfway in the water. There was another cat on the catwalk (ironically enough), so I chased it. When I finally caught it, I threw it into my microwave and fed it to some Chinese people.
What really pisses me off are those old ladies who have over 50 cats around their house. It's obvious that anyone who has 50+ cats lives alone, never married, is infertile, and lives off of their own fecal matter. How the hell do they feed all of them? I think we found where all the missing children are.
If you have a cat, I want you off my site immediately. I'm serious. If you don't, I will personally kill you. Then I will take your cats and choke them to death with your severed intestines, which I will then eat out of principle.
Remember to kick your neighbor's cat, preferrably off of the Empire State Building. Don't worry, you know what they say. Cats always land on their feet.
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Updated: 5/19/06.
© 2006 Scalping People
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