Because they're afraid they'll relax and unwind!
The Coffin
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ..
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling;
his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything ..... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
.. Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin ...
.... and the coffin stops.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why shouldn't you try to goose a ghost?
Because all you get is a handful of sheet!
Cemetery Story
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the
cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard,
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. "
The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those
nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
They say the old guy made it back to town
5 minutes before the boy.
Beethoven's Symphony
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around,
so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed,
the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an
explanation for the music.
"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What goes "Ha-ha-ha-ha!", thud?
A monster laughing it's head off!
Abort, Retry, Ignore
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more.
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What did one vampire say to the other as they were
passing the morgue?
Let's stop in for a cool one!
Why aren’t there more famous skeletons?
They’re a bunch of no bodies!
When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone!
What kind of roads do ghosts haunt?
DEAD ENDS!
Mary had a little lamb;
you've heard this tale before.
But did you know she passed her plate
and had a little more??
