By Rae Trail and Scarlet

Summary: The new associate professor of Arboreal Disciplines and her research assistant give their first lecture at TSU - TrekSmut University.

* * * * *

"I'm not sure they got the letter about the lighting." Rae dropped hir bundle onto the folding table beside the podium and stretched hir back, gazing up into the rafters. "You did ask for red filters?"

Associate Professor Scarlet lifted her lighter package onto the lectern and smiled. "No, I requested earth-normal. You know, sunlight. The red comes later. Just untie the rope and leave the package there." She started slightly as the door opened and a bleary-eyed student peered in. "Yes, this is the Arboreal Disciplines demonstration lab."

"Oh. Sorry. I was looking for Jungle Kitty's EVE vs. VE demonstration ... uh ... what exactly are arboreal disciplines?"

A second and third head poked in over top of the student. Scarlet adjusted her breastplate and scowled at Rae. "Did you put the notice in the bulletin?"

"Notice?" Rae straightened up and scratched hir left knee, not an easy feat. "What notice?"

"About the lecture, lab assistant. Today's lecture."

"Now, I don't exactly know what you're referring to, but I'd have to answer no. Since I don't know what you're referring to." Rae stared at the ceiling. "Nope."

"Nope? You call that English? Ha! Some constable you make. 'Nope'."

Scarlet sighed and then turned toward the door. Smiled at the three students and waved.

"Jungle Kitty's lecture has been pre-empted by a new discipline, of which the Prof. approves. In fact, we're hoping that she'll give a guest spot. Please pass the word," she called.

The faces of the students brightened and the door slammed shut, then re-opened to admit a flood of eager youngsters.

Meanwhile, Rae had been studying Scarlet's finger nails, not bright red as one would expect. The nails on her right hand were shimmering gold, the left ones deep blue. "Love your nail polish. Is today a Swedish national holiday or something?"

"No, it's National Masturbation Month."

Rae frowned. "Then why the Swedish colors?"

"Too early in the morning for you, lab assistant? What colors are the uniform shirts of our favorite captain and first officer?"

"Ah." Rae quickly decided to raid the nearest drugstore for gold and blue nail polish, paint hir nails alternatingly gold and blue, and spend the rest of the day experimenting with various finger positions. Hell, why not the toes, too? These dreams were interrupted by Scarlet's voice, which could have sounded quite pleasant if it hadn't been for that incredibly silly, rural-sounding, stupid-cousin-back-at-the-farm Swedish accent.

"Welcome to this Introduction to Arboreal Disciplines. Let's not waste any time, but start right away. The first slide, please, Rae."

"Slide? What slide?" Rae blinked.

"The projector's right behind you. What did you think your assistant duties would be, anyway?"

"Assistant duties -- I thought -- I was hoping -- " 'Did I skip the underwear this morning for nothing?' Rae sighed and went to the projector. The first slide clicked into place.

"Number one: the larch. Next slide, please."

"Number two: the ... larch? Rae, pay attention!"

Rae fumbled with the machine, then swore and wacked the top of it furiously. It hummed once, then gave a self satisfied click. Scarlet smiled and Rae smiled back sweetly, then kicked the table. "Damn machines. Take over the world, will you?" xe whispered. The projector hummed louder.

"Thank you. Number two: the maple. Next."

"Number three: the birch. Now we're getting somewhere."

The Associate Professor folded her arms and smiled. "I know some of you have read my article in Birchology Today, so you already have some knowledge of the subject. Please excuse the necessary repetition, and feel free to ask questions at any time."

"The birch tree, or betula alba in Latin, is of vital importance in the Scandinavian cultural heritage. The letter "B" in the Rune alphabet is actually named after the birch. Its Old Norse name is 'bjarka', its Anglosaxon counterpart 'berkana'. If you are consulting the runes as an oracle, and you draw berkana, the answer to your question is, and I quote The Book of Runes by Ralph Blum, 'first disperse resistance, then accomplish the work'."

Scarlet stroked her breastplate a moment, nodding and murmuring 'disperse resistance, disperse resistance', then continued: "The most important line of work where the birch tree was used was of course to impose and uphold discipline during the stormy Viking times. How else would the Vikings have found the strength to seek out, pillage, burn and conquer so many civilisations, as they boldly went where no man went before? How else would Leif Eriksson and his men have found the courage to continue westward from Greenland on to the shores of what he called Vinland, now known as America?"

The Associate Professor lifted a bundle of birch branches. She swung it around, and the soft whooshing sound was echoed by an awed murmur from the students.

"The birch twigs are extremely pliant, but bundled together, they form a powerful tool known as the Birch Rod, or Switch. Applied to human skin it doesn't do any damage, but depending on the force used, it can produce anything from an exciting tingle to a hellish burn."

Rae waved. "Should the branches come straight from the tree, or is it normal to leave them to dry first?"

Scarlet's eyes narrowed. "'Straight'? 'Normal'? Do you see that kind of language as fit to use on campus? After this lecture, I will see you in the sauna between the lake and the birch grove."

Rae's eyes lit up and xe whispered to hir neighbour: "Great! I was beginning to wonder what an entity had to do to get a decent spanking around here."

"Whispering, Rae?" With a stern expression, Scarlet added a figure to her note pad.

But then, the door opened and Scarlet's jaw hit the lectern. "By the bulging balls of Baldur", she whispered.

"Nice allitteration, colleague." Professor Jungle Kitty entered the room, carrying the Well Endowed William Shatner Chair. "Tongues in, everybody. Carry on, professor."

Fanning herself with the birch branches, Scarlet managed to continue. "To this day, a bundle of birch twigs will decorate Swedish homes around Easter time. Just a hundred years ago, the head of the family would give all the members of the household a good birching on the morning of Good Friday."

She sighed. "Sad to say, this custom is little observed in these modern, secular times."

She brightened again. "On the other hand, birch leaves are used to decorate the pole -- the Swedish version of the maypole -- that is raised at the Midsummer festival, an old fertility rite that is still celebrated by dancing around that pole, getting drunk and having anonymous sex, although not simultaneously."

She looked wistfully at The Chair. "I don't suppose we could borrow that chair for the midsummer celebration?"

Professor Jungle Kitty shook her head. "You are supposing correctly. I came here to give you some bad news."

She drew a deep breath and announced: "This week's faculty spanking has been cancelled for reasons of health."

Scarlet was visibly shaken. "Not again?"

"Yes. Captain Kirk is suffering from spanking elbow."

"Damnation." Scarlet flung the birch rod to the floor. "I will soon develop cellulite if he doesn't recover."

Rae cleared hir throat. "Isn't there anyone who could pinch-hit for the captain?"

Scarlet looked at her assistant, uncomprehending. "Never mind the pinching, we need someone to do the hitting. And who could take the captain's place?"

"Who else but the Associate Professor of Arboreal Disciplines?" Rae suggested.

Scarlet considered the possibilities. "I would be happy to offer my services, if the faculty members agree. The listees could be offered a choice of regulation birch, elm, maple, larch -- "

"Or cedar, utilized by the natives of Canada's west coast, notably the Tsimshian and Haida", Rae added.

"Very good, assistant. Professor Kitty, do you think this would be an acceptable temporary solution?"

Professor Jungle Kitty pondered the idea. "A pinch-hit spanking should be better than no spanking, but I'll have to discuss it with the captain."

PJK and the Chair left the room and the pandemonium that ensued as the students scrambled to bribe their way onto the list for the week.

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