My Diagnosis...

Axis 1 diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Severe without Psychotic Features, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, recurrent and an Axis 2 diagnosis of Personatlity Disorder NOS with Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic and Dependent Personality Features.

My childhood...

I have been through alot in my life... from being molested at the age of nine to being forced to do sexual things to someone at the age of tweleve to being raped numerous times from the ages of 15-18 by more than 3 people. From the time I was five till I was fourteen I was physically and verbally abused.

I have a Mother who was also molested and raped from the ages of seven to fourteen... by her own father. She finds terrible men that she thinks she can't live without. She was married and divorced twice by the time I was five.

I am the eldest of four children. My brother Travis..is my full blooded brother and he was adopted by my mom’s second husband. My younger brother and sister are my half siblings and they were born of my mom’s third marriage.

My step dad was an abusive alcoholic and didn't have much to do with me besides yell and hit with a leather belt, or drag me across the room by my hair. His favorite was to kick me in the ass with his boots on... didn't matter if it was work boots or cowboy boots. I have another half sister whom I am close with she is my father's daughter.

I grew up going back and forth between the two houses. Neither of them was a good environment.... but my Mom did try to do the best she could. I was in and out of foster homes and group homes because I would run away. My step dad and I got into a fight because my mom wouldn't do anything about it. The county would take me away for a couple of weeks and then put me right back in the same situation again ... until it happened again where I couldn't handle it any more and would run again.

My father couldn't get custody of me because of his drug usage... which now he gave up for his new wife. I am glad though that I wasn't living with him. Things wouldn't have been much better there.

I threw myself into school because it was the time away from home... my only escape besides my reading. My friends were there.... and I got along with my teachers and counselors. I learned how to keep everything inside that was happening at home. When I had to talk about it I would act like it was no big deal. I didn't let my emotions get to me. I would tell the teachers or counselors or my friends... but I didn't let it on during my normal routine. Life went on...

My Life now...

When I was 17 just turning 18 I moved in with a guy. I had to get away from my mom’s boyfriend. Things weren't going so good at home. I worked two jobs and went to school. I bought my own school clothes and food.

I fell in love a guy and we moved in together after going out for 3 months. Not the best decision of our life but we made the best of it. He got a job and we moved in with his dad paying rent and saving so we could get our own place. I started working again and living with my dad. I would go on the weekends to see my boyfriend. It was hard... and more than once I wanted to give it all up. That fall we moved into our own trailer. Things were wrong with it but we thought we could fix it up and make a life for ourselves.

I drove an hour drive to go to highschool so I could graduate from the schools I had been in all my life. The winter came and things started going bad. I was being raped by the neighbor and my boyfriend had a job and was gone most of the night till like 2, 3 am. I was deep into my depression and locked myself into the trailer sleeping all day and not doing anything or going anywhere.

I ended up having to go to the ALC just to be able to walk with my class at graduation. I worked my ass off and it payed. I would get up at 5 in the morning and bring my boyfriend to work and then drive to school. Then I would find something to do until I had to go back and pick him up. I even got class credit for helping him work at his job. He worked at a diary farm at this time. June came and it was my graduation time. I turned 19 and graduated all in the same weekend.

 
The next week my boyfriend and I got into a big fight and I left him. He tried to kill us by ramming his grandma's car into a tree but stopped just before it hit. I will never allow someone to act like that. Or so I thought. I moved in with my sister and her mom. I went out on a few dates with two old boyfriends. I ended up pregnant. I had no where to go. I ended up back with my boyfriend. I had my daughter just after we moved to my boyfriend’s grandma’s house.

Then we got our own apartment. I knew that I was really bad into my depression and I went and got a public health nurse to come in and a parent aid. I continued to go to ALC so I could get my diploma. I worked hard and brought Maddison Rose with me to school. I was in a parent class as well.

Almost a year later social services was called on me because my boyfriend didn't pay the electric bill and the house was kinda a mess. We had a water leak in the bedroom and pulled over 90 gallons of water from our floor. The apartment manager wasn't doing anything because she thought it was leaking from the roof... here it was a pipe busted in the wall. We worked with social services ever since then.

My boyfriend, Phil and I, got married when I was five months pregnant. I felt I didn't have a choice. My daughter’s real father wasn't around. He saw her only once when she was a baby. Phil took care of both of us. He wanted her to be his so badly, but we both knew he wasn't her dad. We married in
Feb of 2001. Maddison was just turning a year old in March. In June our son was born. Kameron Nathaniel.

We still worked with the social worker and parent aids. I was going through postpartum depression at that time. The kids were taken a few times that next winter because the house would be a mess. I couldn't do it all on my own. Phil didn't help me most of the time. And I was the one who was taking care of the kids all the time. I didn't have any energy to do anything else. Phil was raping me. I finally had enough. I left him in Nov. of 2002 but things quickly turned worse. He fought me on everything. He tried to take the kids from me. I had him put in jail because he bit me.

He went to Oregon to pick up another girl while I was living with a friend of mine and her brother. He was jealous of the brother because I had dated him before. We fought back and forth. I took the kids and went with him to OR to bring her back because he wanted to work things out or so he said.

The whole trip there he was going back and forth between the two of us. He had sex with her and then had sex with me right after, just before we left. The whole way there was nothing but fighting. I couldn't eat or sleep. The whole way back was fighting as well. When we got back he stayed with grandma and said he still wanted to work things out.

We started counseling with our pastor. He was still talking to her on the internet. He didn't want to move back into the house because he wanted to be able to talk to her. He had no intenions of coming back or making things work out. He moved to OR for two weeks and had to come back for court. He moved out there three days before our first year anniversary. He kept calling me telling me he loved me and wanted me to wait for Him.

I started dating a guy. Just to throw it in his face, that I wasn't waiting and I was going to be happy without him. He came back and stayed with me. He told the girl that he was staying other places. He would call her when I was there and tell her that he loved her when he was telling me that it was over and he was staying home.

She cheated on him a week after he left and told him about it. He stayed for Maddi's second birthday. At this time she told him that it was over. She found someone else. We left and went to OR to pick his stuff up and made two weeks out of it. The trip was supposed to help us decide what was going on in our lives and help us sort out things.

When we got back things were better. I was still dealing with my depression and Phil started school. July the kids got taken again. I wasn't home. The house was a mess and Phil fell asleep watching the kids. He knew I had a parent aid coming over. I was at another meeting... but it went over the time
that I thought it would be. The kids went into a foster home and we have spent the last year trying to get them back home. The beginning of Sept. I gave up my rights to them and the foster home has started the adoption. It is a living hell.

My life after the kids were taken...

I do nothing. I sit and wait to take Phil back and forth to work. I am not allowed to be on the computer unless it is after 8pm. I am living with Phil’s grandma. Her and I don't get along. She thinks because I don't follow Phil and pick up after him or have the dinner on the table I am not a wife. Everyone is telling him to divorce me. Everyone told me the same thing. The tension between him and I is severe. I don't want Him touching me or kissing me. I can't have sex with him right now. I just can't deal with him at all. I have started going to church and I am teaching sunday school. I am putting everything I have into that.

My brother keeps coming to me for help and I don't know how to help him. I can't deal with him right now either. He is Schizophrenic and doesn't believe he is. He is off his meds. He left the halfway house and is now homeless. He keeps coming to me for help and wanting to stay with me. I do not have my own home right now.

I have to move out of the home that I have because we didn't get the loan and it forclosed on Phils dad. We have until Jan. to find an apartment or storage. Phil’s new job sucks because he is only getting around a hundred dollars a week and we pay 80 dollars a week just for our van payment. Phil’s older brother is staying with us now too. Him and I don't get along. I had things set up in the basement to watch movies and what not so that I
don't have to deal with grandma and he has taken it over. So now I sleep or am found at the church. Now I have my own key and I have applied for a job. My depression is bad and I am still on 300mg of Effexor but now my Pdoc just added Litium as well. I start that tonight. That is where I am at right now.... Amanda