I last left off where they were having me sign myself into the hospital after my first suicide attempt. I wound up in the hospital that time for 30 days. The first 2 weeks I have no memory at all, none! They say I was just horrible to everyone and so depressed they couldn't do anything with me, so they got me to sign a form that they could perform ECT on me. I had 5 treatments. I came out of the depression very quickly. I would say after the 3rd treatment. Therefore, I remember the last two weeks of my stay better than the rest. I was put on Effexor XR upon leaving the hospital and an appt. to see a psychiatrist within the week. I won't go into all the details after that.

The next appt. is where I learned of my diagnosis, Bipolar II. I was also put on Lithium at that time. I was then told that with Bipolar you have an Anti-depressant and a stabilizer. In street talk, an upper and a downer. Well the Lithium didn't work for me. It was the beginning of a long struggle of drugs that did not only work for me but wound
up putting 100 lbs on me, beginning the downfall of my life.

After that there were 3 more sui attempts, 6 hospitalizations, 1 outpatient and 2 homicidal threats. (all clinical stuff)

In the beginning, before the crack up, I was 5' 115 lbs, wore a size 5, had a year around tan and long dark hair. I looked about 28. Now I am still 5' 207 and wear a size 22, no tan and you can view my photo in group. I was married for 32 years, had two sisters, a job of 15 years, worked out everyday, I was a good photographer (did my own developing and printing and matting). Both of my parents were alive and happy, I had a wonderful grandson, two kids, and a life.

Now..... my husband has divorced me, final in January. My two sisters haven't spoken to me in two years. My mother passed away 6 mos after my dx. I no longer work at all, I'm on disability. I no longer pick up a camera, I can't see a photograph. I can see snapshots, but not photographs. I can't walk much less work out, I'm so heavy.

My son is still being quite good to me. So he will inherit, more than the wind. Austin, my grandson, gets Sabrina's share and a little more. *LOL* I can get even too! I no longer dance, as no one wants to watch a whale flop around on a dance floor. I can't hardly find clothes to fit, so mostly all day I stay in my nightgowns, size 2x thank you. So that is a lot of life to lose!

In my better moments, when I'm not feeling so damn sorry for myself, I know that God did this to me for a reason. Why not me? Then I ask, "Who better than me"? A guinea pig is what I am in every sense. When they use that term pig, they mean it literally. They are experimenting with all these drugs on those of us in this generation so that our grandchildren or great grandchildren may be saved the suffering that we are having to go through. Who better to experiment on than me? I have 5 grandchildren. Would I give my life for them, yes! Then step up to the plate, God says! Put your foot, where your mouth is. I'm always saying God, I would give my life for any one of those kids. Did I really mean it? I guess now, I'll prove I did! If I can save one little life from this pain later on, it will have been worth it!

Love to you all,

Delissca
Owner