Hi Everyone,

Del wanted me to post my intro so here goes.

I never knew what the hell anxiety was. I know what stress is though. Back in 1991 I lost my mom to Lou Gherigs disease. My father and I took care of her for about 7 years prior to that. It was the hardest thing to deal with in my life and I am definitely not over it. I miss her every day and when I lost her at the age of 17, my whole life, as I knew it, fell apart even more. I will be 30 this December and I am ready to "jump"!

After my mother passed away, I think I had what would be my very first Anxiety attack. It was small and went away but I never told anyone. A year later I left to go to school in Chico with my friends. I had to leave in the beginning of class because I started freaking out like everyone was looking at me and I was sweating soo bad. That just led me on the path of never finishing a class, not going, or walking to class, but never entering the door. I have NEVER finished a college course and have dropped out of every college I attended.

I moved back home and dated a asshole. For two years after mental abuse and getting yelled at and cheated on I tried to leave him. He stalked me and I just lost it one day. I was at work and all of a sudden, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I ran to my co-worker and told her to go call 911. I went to the hospital and they said I hyperventilated. From there, I went to doctors and was put on almost every anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, and nothing has ever worked for me!!!!!! I started on Prozac. I suffered for years with anxiety and that has gotten a lot better. But I have been with my husband for almost four years and the stress of my marriage has made me hit the wall again. I married my best friend but, he also suffers and takes Zoloft. SO, as you can see we are a great pair.

We live in a house my father owns and it makes our lives miserable. It's small and we have two children and are wanting to move but money is short! Right now we both feel suffocated and need to get the hell out of the death trap we feel we are under. It's hard for me because I feel like I am the one taking on everything. Recently I have been having a nervous breakdown and have been so stressed and sick, and dizzy that my doctor has put me on Zyprexa. Last night was the first night I took it. I had refused to take it for awhile because of the weight gain issue. I put on a lot of weight in my last pregnancy and I got huge!!!! The weight has devastated me and all the stress my doctor had diagnosed me with, Bipolar Disorder. I cry all day, yell and scream at the kids and they say, "Mom whats wrong?" I hate myself right now for not being productive and almost thirty. I know that I am better than this and my husband is all fucked up too!! He sleeps all freaking day long and I do everything!!!!! I am soooooo tired and on new pills I just want to cry right now telling you all about it. Why me???

So, I haven't worked since I was pregnant, I feel I can't talk to adults anymore or they look at me like I'm stupid, my face get's red when I do talk to people and it is horrible.

Another major event lately is that I just found my birthmother, I have been wanting to find her my whole life! Well I did and to make a long story short, we met and she is an alcoholic! So, I asked her if everything was alright in an e-mail and that I was concerned. I have not heard from her since. Thank god she lives in the Bay Area and we are a few hours away from each other. She wanted to be instant mother to me and I wasn't having it. I have to say finding out she was an alcoholic has been hard on me also. Not at all what I had expected.

So I live in California in a little town called Auburn. Today I go to my doctor and I am now taking Zyprexa.

I am very open in talking about anything and I want more than anything to get out of this bullshit pile of stress I am under. This is soooo not me and I am dying inside here. My nerves shake inside my body everyday and clench my body in my shoulders and kneck. It's bad. I yell and scream and I am so burned out on everything. I feel mad at the world and everyone around me.

So, that's most of it in a short story. Sounds like everyone is REALLY supportive in the group. Thanks for welcoming me.   Love Jules