All my life, I have had problems. When my brother was born I was 2, I was insanely jealous. One time I asked my mom to kiss him. She said sure, but then I leaned down and bit him so hard that blood came out. My mom always favored him anyway, so maybe I was just a baby reacting to that.

WHen I started school, I could not focus. I was called stupid and picked on A LOT! It took them until I was 11 to dx ADD w/o out hyperactivity. B/c I was picked on so much, and b/c I had such low self esteem, I started saying (when I was around 12.5) I was going to kill myself. At first my friends ignored it, but one time, I broke down and cried hysterically and said it again. My friends went and told the principal, who called my parents. That led to my dx of depression.

Let me tell you about my parents reaction to having a little girl with depression. The ADD they could stomach,... a little. My dad was so mad at me and embarrassed he could not ride in same car as my mom and I on the way to the crisis center. My mom cried, but was mad I did not tell her first (like hello, what suicidal kid does)? In short, they were both embarrassed and angry.

So a month before I turned 14, I was put on my first antidepressant (this was in 88) before Prozac was approved for kids, so I took Tofranil pm. It worked, but I would still get very agitated at times. I took it for 6 months, and then came off of it. Except for normal teenage mood swings and occasional bouts of longer depressions that were fairly mild, I was okay, for 8 yrs.

I was 21, and had just changed colleges when I started feeling sick all the time. I was dizzy and nervous 100% of the time. I was losing weight, could not eat, had racing thoughts, was irritable, had headaches, crying a lot, and was generally depressed. I went to a psychiatrist who dxed depression, but also thought I was bipolar. At the time, I did not know much about bipolar, except only "crazy" ppl had it, and I did not want to take the meds for it. The only 2 ppl I knew that had it and were on the meds for it were overweight. I knew the meds caused weight gain, and I am chubby myself. SO.....he tried to get me take lithium, I refused, so he just gave me a low dose of zoloft, saw me every 3 months, and didn’t pay much attn to me at all. After 4 months, I dropped out of therapy b/c I felt better.
                                                                                                 
I was okay again until I was 24. Then it all started over. This time I was less afraid of mental illness. My friend worked with a psychiatric nurse practitioner ( an APRN who can rx meds). In college, I was studying General Studies/Social Sciences and had learned a lot in my social work and psychology classes. My Pnurse (who still treats me today and I like her) dxed me with Bipolar 2 and borderline traits. I did not flip out for any of these dxes, b/c I know I am a person seperate from my dxes, my dxes are not me.

 
It’s been a bumpy road, with lots of med changes, but as of right now, I am stable on abilify, topamax, neurontin, and cogentin. I should also add that around age 21, I started self injuring (cutting). Its very mild, and I have not stopped yet, but I am working on it. My goal is to get my Masters Degree in School Counseling and help troubled kids. I already work as a teaching assistant, so I am already in a school system. That is my psych
story and I wanted to share it.

Hugs,