My name is Joy. I am new here but not to the life of the BP person. I was told this is an interactive group. Since some of the other groups I am in often don't respond to posts, Pooch actually told me to come here. I had posted something and not one response came, except from him. I have to vent, I will post it next, but I wanted to introduce myself first. I am 27 and was diagnosed a year ago. I’m going through a very bad cycle right now. I haven't been at work for a month, not that I care, I hate my job. I am married. No kids, but I have two dogs. So that's me!

So the doctor tells me to write about what I feel. Where do I begin? With the anger I feel because I have to live with being Bipolar the rest of my life and with the shame I feel because I am not "normal" and I will never know what it's like not to live on these drugs I have to take to keep me stable? I will never know what it's like to wake up and not have to deal with the changes in my moods. The depressions I hit where I feel I have no place to go and I want to hide. I want to run away from everyone I love because I think that they deserve a better life than what they have with me in it? Do I say that I hate my mother for passing this disease on to me even though it's not her fault and she didn't even know that she had it back in the 70's? Is it ok to feel angry at God because I feel like I am missing out on so much life and happiness becuase of this rotten disease eating at me every single day? Do I write that for the past month I cannot look in the mirror because I hate what I see inside and out?

I get angry when someone tells me how wonderful I am, because I don't know who the hell they are looking at and seeing because it sure isn't me! Do I write about how it tears my heart out that my husband and I can't have children because he cannot produce them and even if he could I wouldn't carry one because I would never want to knowingly inflict this torture onto my child? Do I write about the fact that since I was a little girl, like most girls, all I wanted to do was get married and have children of my own and I can't and I want to scream? I can't be around pregnant woman right now without feeling angry or sobbing!

Do I write how I would love to be selfish and adopt an embryo and carry it, knowing it would share my blood line and I would pass this on to that child which I know in my heart isn't fair. Every where I turn there are pregnant woman and I am jealous. I see people who have babies after babies who shouldn't be because they aren't even able to keep a roof over their own head. Do I write about how angry it makes me when someone asks " do you have kids yet, you guys have been married for a while" and I have to answer "..... no we are on an adoption list, our job now is to wait" and they reply "Oh that's wonderful children need a good home" OH YEAH that's wonderful!! You know what would be more wonderful? If I wasn't defective and I could have the pleasure that so many women take for granted and carry a child you moron!! Do you think we are adopting because that's our first choice?? NO!! So shut up, stop asking how long the adoption is going to take because I have no idea!

The more people ask the worse I feel. Do I write about how I feel worthless and like I am a burden to my husband the entire last month? Oh how I wish I could give him a better life! What do you want me to write in my journal Doc? The fact that I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel? It's been black for almost a month now? Well there you go. Some how this is supposed to help? I don't see how. Sorry to unload like this.

I know I have the right Pdoc. I feel comfortable with him. It's just that the drugs aren't doing their thing right now. I think we may need to make some more adjustments I have seen him everyday for the last three weeks and I have to see him again this Friday. So hopefully we can work something out. The depression is just driving me crazy!