On another subject I had my second session with my counselor today and it went well. I really like him. There is a lot we need to work on. My mom is Bipolar and has been most likely her whole life, but was not treated until her late 30's maybe early 40's so my childhood was riddled with verbal and physical abuse. I try to forgive and I find that I cannot. She abused me but never did any shit to my brother.

Today I called her cause I needed some support and she wouldn't even wake up enough to talk to me. She didn't even care that I was scared about the whole cyst thing and the chance of having surgery. Yet when she had her neck surgery I took off work to be there. When she needed to go have the staples taken out I was there to take her because my dad had to work and couldn't get off. If something happens with my brother like he gets a fucking migraine the world has to stop.

Case and point, my last birthday, my mom and dad had me and my husband come down for dinner on my birthday. My brother had to go into the hospital for a migraine, we went to see him and she decided to stay there with him! So I had a birthday dinner with my dad, my husband and my grandfather. I was told she would make it up to me but she has never done a thing.

I am so angry today! I keep getting hurt by her, yet like an asshole I keep putting myself out there emotionally to get hurt. I am like a child who never learned that the stove was hot and I keep putting my hand on it. ( if you're wondering my brother is 22 it's just me and him)

It’s just I didn’t know she wasn't getting help when I was a child.... she beat me .......not my brother? That is always in the back of my head and I asked her once and she said I pushed her to do it. I was always rebellious and I never listened, which is shit cause when she was mad at my dad or my brother did something wrong, I was the one who got the bruises for it. I can't help but wonder what was wrong with me that she did it to me? I know this is really heavy and deep shit but the counselor and I talked about it just today so it's on my mind big time. I didn't understand as a kid and I still don't as an adult. I was told today that I will probably never have the kind of relationship I want with her. When I called my mom and dad's to tell them that the cyst was gone and there wasn't going to be a surgery my mom answered the phone and I asked for my dad and she kept asking why? I'm like I want to talk to dad. So she says, “no tell me first”, I finally said “NO I want to talk to my dad”. I told him everything was alright and stuff and then he told her. I know it probably pissed her off, but I don't really care, she didn't care this morning when I needed someone to talk to so why did she need to know right then and there what the results were? Oh and another thing my mother RARELY ever tells me she loves me. The only time she does is if she feels needy or feels bad about something. Every time I talk to my dad he ALWAYS makes sure to tell me he loves me before we get off the phone. And I wonder why I am so fucked up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH

Sorry to make you all read so much. I needed to get some more out.