Sorry I been gone....I've been getting my act together...I did get my Y passes so I been swimming. It has really been helping my moods. I have been still having swings, but I think it is because I still have feelings for my wife (who left me for another woman (OUCH!!!), and I suspect that their relationship has soured. Wifey may want back with me, but I don't know....

More if you E-mail off list.

Uther

PART II

Some days (like today) it seems that all I have left to hang on is the anger and hatred. I feel armor-plated--I'm immune to anything pleasant, but I can't let my anger out, either.

I've been married for 10 years, with two darling girls, 7 and 2 years old. In Jan, my wife tried to commit suicide. This began a long period of her being in and out of the local hospital (the only one),

and a place called The Center(a public mental health "clinic" with a small inpatient facility). In April, she went to a hospital in Cleveland, and met a "woman".

During this time, the stress of raising the kids, and keeping the house (barely), and my job as a school bus driver was finally overloading me. I became suicidal myself. It scared me, and I sought treatment. I was put on Paxil CR, but had an allergic reaction that put me in the hospital. I was switched to Lexapro with the same results. On 8 May 2003, my wife let me know (by her journal) that she wanted to be with her GF rather than me. What I did next cost me 8 days inpatient, where I was put on Trileptal. It seemed to help, but only to a point.

More later.

Uther

I wish that my mind was numb right now...I fidgeted for two hours today trying to decide whether to eat or not....I still haven't made up my mind. (Please note that I weigh 320 and skipping a meal wouldn't be a disaster:))

BTW, am I the only male other than Frank in here????

PART III

Now that I can finish this in peace...

Ever since, I have had fairly violent mood swings, going from a suicidal depression to a black rage (I have a blackout temper to begin with, and this rage is about 50% worse than that. All I can do is lay down, shaking, and ride it out). These last from 30 minutes to 8 hours. Lately, it has been more trigger-related. I saw my wife's GF yesterday and instantly went into a rage with a VERY strong desire to kill her. I wrapped up my email and left the library before she could notice me. I was fired up for about an hour, then crashed into a depression. I wasn't suicidal, but I didn't want to do anything...period. I also found out that my p-doc doesn't want me to return to work ( I drive a school bus)...so I'm kinda screwed sans Vaseline.

Right now, I am not alone (a good thing) and do not plan on being alone for a while. I need to pull out of this mess, but it takes so effing long....

Uther