I pulled into a parking space close to the path that led to the woods. Slamming the car door closed, I set off through the woods towards the brow of the Downs oblivious to all around me. Hands deep in pockets, senses deep in thought, my feet strode on relentlessly following the urgency of the fast decreasing circles of my mind.
Why did I?..... Why did't I?...... If only...... If..... If..... If.....
"Where are you going?" a small vioce piped from somewhere to my left.
I ignored it and strode on.
Small footsteps caught up and pattered along beside me.
"Where are you going?.........What are you running away from?......Are you looking for somewhere to hide?"
I stopped. It was no use. This persistent voice was not going to give up. Taking a deep breath in an effort to control my impatience, I turned to look at this new aggrevation.
He looked about five or six years old. Golden curls surrounded a cherubic smile and eyes as deep and blue as the sky on a July afternoon. His face turned up to me in innocence.
"Where are you going?" he repeated softly.
"For a walk in the oods," I told him in a metter of fact voice that should have put a stop to the conversation.
"Why are you running?" he asked again.
"I am not running," I said with marked impatience. "I am just walking fast."
He looked puzzled as I turned to walk on.
"Why are you walking fast?" he asked, running a few steps to keep up with me.
"Because I feel like walking fast!"
He trotted along beside me for a while saying nothing. I watched his feet in the little red and white trainers as they skipped and hopped lightly over the ground as if working through some intircate rhythmic pattern.
After a while he stopped.
Ruefully i had to admit to myself that he was right. My pace had slowed down almost to a stroll.
He looked up at me again.
"Why are you sad?"
"What makes you think that I am sad?" Two could play at this questioning game.
"Your feet are sad. Your shoulders are sad. Your face is sad. You eyes are sad. You are all wraped up inside with your sad." He fixed me with those deep blue eyes.
I smiled at the perceptiveness of this child. Suddenly all the harrassments of the day seemed so trivial....... almost laughable. How could I explain....it all seemed so stupid.
He was waiting for an answer.
"Do you play here often, my little lad?" I was trying to change the subject.
"Do you play her often my little lad." he repeated, frowning as if trying to find meaning to the question.
"I am not your little lad." His face was suddenly serious. "I'm just ME......Just Me....Justme....
"That's an odd name." I teased. "I have never known anyone called Justme before."
“Justme….Justme.” He rolled it round his tongue as if he was trying out a new flavour. Suddenly he burst into life. With a hop and a skip he chased in and out of the trees singing out “Justme! Justme! Justme! Justme!” over and over again. His blue dungarees, red sweatshirt and mop of golden curls appeared first here and then there….in and out….up and down ….until, at last, he crumpled into a breathless heap on the footpath a few feet in front of me still muttering “Justme”, and chuckling away to himself.
We walked on together in silence for a while after this outburst until, once again, he confronted me with “Why are you sad?”
“Sometimes,” I said soberly,” the world is sad. Look at today. The earth is brown and bare. The trees stand cold and leafless spiking their bony fingers into the still silent air. The birds have forgotten how to sing. And look at those thick heavy grey clouds getting thicker by the minute.”
Justme turned with a look of startled amazement.
“The world is not sad,” he said. “The world is beautiful.”
“Not today.” I shook my head. “Not today. It is probably going to pour with rain at any moment.”
“It won’t rain on me.” He said positively. “It will not rain on me but it may well rain on you.”
“If it rains on me it will rain on you too.”
“No. It will rain on you because you want it to rain. You’ve put a big black cloud up there. There are no clouds in my sky. My earth is full of seeds just waiting to grow. My trees are covered in buds just waiting to burst. My birds are singing as the sail across my blue sky and my day is full of beautiful golden sunshine. It won’t rain on me!” He skipped off along the path as if dismissing me.
I tagged along behind trying to make some sort of sense of what he had said. I found him waiting for me beneath a huge old elm tree.
“Do you want it to rain?” he asked.
“No….not now. Maybe I did once….but not now.”
“Would you like to share my sunshine?”
I nodded. He slipped his small soft hand into mine.
“You will have to do something about those sad feet,” he said. “You will make too much noise.”
Silently and stealthily he lead me off into the undergrowth, stopping every once in a while and cocking his head on one side to listen intently.
“You have to be very quiet and still,” he whispered.
I nodded in agreement as he gently pulled me towards a large clump of evergreen bushes. Without making a sound he stepped up onto a small log strategically placed and peered into the bush indicating that I should do likewise.
A tiny robin blinked a black eye and, sensing our presence snuggled deeper into her nest. I could feel the small clammy hand snugly in mine as we watched. We stood for a long moment before a flutter in the branches heralded the arrival of her mate. With a beak full of worms he hopped carefully between the twigs to deliver his succulent offering. The two birds gazed at one another. Slowly and carefully he delivered his load.
Somewhere deep inside me a feeling of warmth began to flutter, stretch its wings and grow until it filled my whole being with a golden glow.
I turned to smile a “Thank You” at Justme. A smile to show that my heart understood the magical beauty of the world that he was sharing with me. Justme was nowhere to be seen.
I looked at the log on which he had been standing. That too was no longer there. It its place one tiny yellow primrose lifted its head to catch the first sunbeam of the day as it slipped carelessly through the fast retreating clouds.
© Scatz 15 April 2001
