S & G Bring You yet another March Madness Event

A Visit to Little Annie’s’ Decking

Any resemblance between the characters appearing here and certain characters in LKH’s Anitaverse books are for comedic and parodic purposes. We hope any one who’s adult enough to read those books doesn’t have to have satire etc explained to them? I hope!?!

If you are new to Sassy Gate a reminder: Goldie the Goullawk is a small pinky golden colored dragonoid and her gal pal Sassy is a sentient talking dachshund from a small pocket universe where dachshunds are the dominant life form. JonaHexed is a literary fragment saved like Goldie from limbo by Sassy. They like to visit other realities many of which would be regarded as “fictional” in relationship to ours.

The back deck of the Darkling residence. Assorted semi and seriously unclothed were beings are lounging about waiting for their queen and loving leader to return home. A rainbow SFX portal opens. Through it trots someone who appears to be a longhaired red dachsie and also rolls a strange little dragonoid sitting on a skateboard. They are followed by a young humanoid male with reddish brown blonde hair and a slightly geeky expression of terminal EEK. The eek being an acronym for Enthusiastic Eager and Keen! His name is JonaHexed. Yes that is a pun! Several puns rolled into one given the strange and terrible history of JonaHexed, alleged traitor, grooming aid, translator, pet, geek, idiot savant and many other accusations.

A female with seriously feline vibes: “Oooh supper!”

Sassy speaks: “No we’re an trans-dimensional comedy team looking for an interview opportunity! Is Mistress Little Anna Darkling home? We have a list of prepared questions for her. A young blonde were-person dressed in leather, who should be in college or therapy or both, replied, “We EAT reporters”. One of the feline persons interjects giggling, “Except Irvink! He’s cute! Kinda of like … what’s your name hunky stranger?” She sidles closer to JonaHexed who stated while blushing, “Madam I should warn you not to touch me? I have mysterious powers including probability deflection that manifest in weird and wonderful ways.” Feline person does a nudge and wink routine, “Oh you can be my lucky charm!” Several persons of both genders and an over active interest in SM type activities saunter closer to JonaHexed looking very very interested.

Goldie started squawking and burbling, “Aaach burble squeal eek burble blargh bleak!”

Which sounds translate as “Hands off my translator and pet human! We need him to do the typing and recording! I don’t hands but I do have lovely flippers and fins”. Which she proceeded to demonstrates by coyly spreading her tail fins and curving her lower torso so that the fins form a golden fan across her muzzle as she flitters her eyelids and lashes and shows off her purple makeup. (Editorial comment: Also eye-shadow and liner and lip pencil too in kitsch tints and hues and shades of purple – if anyone knows where she goes shopping will they please stop her from shopping there or persuade her to try softer colors?)

Sassy barked authoritatively, “Question Time please!”

“Have you ever considered leather pants?” asked someone leaning provocatively on a railing to display their very tight pair s while studying JonaHexed’s shoulders and lower parts of his torso. “Actually that was one of OUR questions !?” snapped Sassy, “where do you people get all that leather and silk from and who pays for it? I know some of you have day jobs but you all seem to party in several thousand dollars of designer gear. How do you afford it?”

“Well we all tithe to our group and pack leaders and have a communal fund for discount shopping to buy the raw materials at a discount and also we turned a few local fannish costume makers and some of the local vamps are great embroiders and artists!” answered an older shifter.

“Don’t the therapy bills cut into that?” asked Sassy keeping one careful eye on young JonaHexed as a shapely feline person went furry and lay down next to him, rolling over and purring flirtatiously. “What therapy bills?” asked another? “For the sex addictions and the abuse victims?” asked Sassy. “What sex addictions?” answered someone who was trying to stroke JonaHexed on the shoulder and play with his hair. “Maybe she’s asking about the twins and pretty boy?” queried another. “Yeah where is “Rapunzel locks” tonight?” “Out at the hair dressers getting it conditioned and detangled,” replied another sounding rather envious? “Which brings me to another question?” continued Sassy, “How does N get around with hair that long without tripping over it?” She stopped talking and trotted over to snarl at the individuals who were distracting JonaHexed from typing by attempting to drape themselves over, under, around, and all over him. They snarled back. Goldie trundled over on her skateboard and hissed. Some of them started laughing. Big mistake. Goldie’s eyes burned molten gold and she took a deep breath and then a cloud of purple vapor covered the offending shifters who slumped down to the decking burbling something about “OH those eyes!” JonaHexed who had seen this happen all too many times before sighed and scrolled down to the next question.

“Now we’ll get onto the serious metaphysical stuff!” stated Sassy to a crown of subdued shifters and werepersons. “Are there any vampires here?” She asked. A voice rose from the back of the crowd, “Oui!” and an undeniably male person with black wavy curls wearing tight leather pants and a silk shirt open all the way down to the top of those pants stepped forth and then froze in a pose that was a question. A fairly obvious question along the lines of “and just what has been going on here?”

“Hello JC Remember me and Goldie!” asked Sassy. “Yes I certainly do remember that afternoon tea with Vampires event. I had one of my best silk shirts ruined and I was planning to wear that one on a date with Mon petite cher! What are you doing here?

Or should that be what damage have or are you about to do here! And why are those were folk slumped on the floor babbling and generally being stupider than usual?” The speaker elegantly arced one dark eyebrow managing to look both petulant yet commanding at the same time.

Sassy replied with deliberate innocence. “We’re having an interview for our March Madness Vampire theme month! Can you answer the following questions?”

“Very well little hound I will indulge you! But only until my beloved little Anna gets back from the market with the bulk order of meat for the shifters. I plan to enjoy the fumes since I prefer other flesh. Also the charming sight of my beloved in a mini skirt and apron and hopefully very little else! Question me!”

JC draped himself over a nearby semiconscious wolf carefully chosen of its matching fur colors so that the moonlight shimmered over his silk clad torso.

“Okay first question as an ex- Catholic do you ever get existential angst about being a soulless bloodsucker damned to eternal half life?” “Pardon?” glared JC. “Soulless? Me?

I have style! That requires spirit!”

“Next question have you ever considered moving to a country where polyandry is legal?

If so would you share a house with a certain alpha wolf and alpha panther and you know who?” “Only if I get to design the crypts!” was the reply.

“Who does the cleaning in your crypts? You’re always having massacres, civil wars, hissy fights, invading monsters, visiting perverts, and other messy stuff going on but who cleans up afterwards? I hope you give the cleaning staff big bonuses?”

“My clean up staff are fully unionized with a excellent insurance and health benefits plan and six weeks paid vacation and regular stress leave if they survive the first six months on the job. Also most of them are especially imported deaf-mutes or illegal migrants or refugees I bribe with green cards and visas so they can’t and don’t complain!”

“Why do vampires behave like nasty neurotic house cats? How come and can they act so hormonal when they don’t have any? Some of them seem to act like they have permanent PMT?” “What is this Peemtee?” One of the shifters whispered in his ear. “What!” he shrieked. His eyes then turned an ominous glow of blue.

One of JonaHexed’s mysteriously scripted powers kicked in. The one that compelled him to state the bleeding obviously. “Girls I think we should go now! Really Ladies! Let’s leave please now? We shouldn’t upset the nice man! Remember what happened to your room when that fight started over who had the sexiest petite girlfriend?”

JC stood up and glared forcibly at them. “Yes leave unless you want to stay for dinner?”

Goldie burbled, “Are they having fish?” “What did that strange little thing that looks like a mad scientist crossed a goldfish with a dragon and a seal say?” “Something about seafood,” answered JonaHexed. “Ah yes we could always add seafood to the menu,” stated JC, looking very intently at Goldie, “I myself prefer different meat but perhaps the feline folk might fancy some …one for dinner” Goldie misunderstanding burbled something at JonaHexed and Sassy. “NO!” answered Sassy, “that was not a dinner invitation unless you want to BE dinner!” Goldie eeked as JonaHexed opened the portal.

Assorted vampires and shifters waved them good bye as they departed and a small dark woman walked onto the decking followed by large attractive very healthy half naked males (do the Jaffa stunt dudes moonlight in this timeline?) carrying meat trays and barbeque untensils. “Oooh what is that weird smell and what’s this purple stuff on the floor? Honestly you’re like children you just can’t be left unsupervised …”

“Ah the sweet sound of mon petite mothering and alfing us severely!” sighed JC affectionately!

Want to read March Madness 2? Go to MM2.htm