SPAMS BOYZONEW

In the Hobbit tradition we give a birthday present to you!

And let Spamela Reactor speak her mind on several issues

We last saw our heroines, Amazingly Graceful, Spamela Reactor, and Sassy and Goldie, sharing an afternoon tea and interview session, and being interrupted by people screaming irately while pounding on a trailer door. Why? Nearer to her Heart and Marshmallow have mysteriously appeared at Pontifical Studios. Actually not that mysteriously but fortunately it was a dull overcast day with fog and no one saw the flying saucer land in the car park and being a film studio passerbys have presumed it’s just a prop. We rejoin our cast in the car park. Spamela is embracing Nearer and Marshmallow and Amazing is standing near by supportively smiling at them and holding a large shaft weapon prop to beat off any one who dares to try and spoil their reunion. Various crew and pros are lurking and some are sulking jealously. Sassy and Goldie are lying on a lounger. Sassy is lapping at chocolate milk. Goldie is sucking up a bowl of champagne slurpee chilled with shaved ice from a block of frozen fish soup.

(Editor’s note – only a Goullawk could enjoy this – it tastes like … like … like …

only a Goullawk could enjoy this!)

“Oh Nearer you’ve been lost in space so long and I’ve missed you so so so much,” gushed Spam, “and Marshmallow you were er mmmm maybe dead the last time I saw you? However did you two get Unlost in space and found your way here across the reality boundaries to the Studio?” Nearer blinks and takes one step back and blinks again having been dazzled by the sight of Spam’s pushup bra, something his technologically superior but uptight culture never invented. Marshmallow moves to stand next to him and continues staring lovingly but dementedly at Sam with his mouth slightly open. Nearer smiled earnestly, ignoring the hostile looks from certain lurking writers who were sure they’d thoroughly written him out so they could have Spam as their very own action figure, and begun a obligatory paragraph of explanation.

“Spamela, as you know I was lost in space, light years from Earth, newly deconstructed Totaltech, and any dramatically convenient Gate, and one day when I was on Bridge duty, this ovoid shaped travel device, (points at nearby flying saucer), appeared out of nowhere. These ladies, (gives sideways glance towards Sassy and Goldie), offered to take me to you. They said something about needing to save you from a possible court martial, or nervous breakdown, or from OsNarl? Here I am my love ready to share thrilling exchanges of mind and heart and possibly genetic material with you? And we pointed up Marshmallow on the way. (meaningful winking and unsubtle hint follows)

As a galactic citizen I have no problems with polyandry!”

“What about you Marshmallow? Oh I am so mad at Daddy Dearest for not telling me they saved your body! MMM? There was no permanent damage?” asked Spam.

“Well I really miss Langpashon! One minute I was dying and the next thing I was being revived, and I was aboard this strange spaceship, and a Goullawk, this dachshund, and Nearer the Totaltech, were bending over me, all wearing surgical gear, and testing my reflexes, and someone was saying something about playing Frankenstein, and I gave off sparks for a week afterwards! I’m all recovered now. We never did get to have that date at your place and watch videos and eat cookies! Can we do that now please?” asked Marshmallow very earnestly. Spam smiled longingly.

“Oh no you don’t!” screamed a pro, “ this is a massive reality violation! You don’t even belong in this dimension and neither does Sam and as for you Amazing your break is over! Put that shaft weapon prop down and get back to work. You have a big tease scene coming up.”

Amazing glared at the pro. “Yeah like either I or Spam really want to get back to having to behave as if all the stress we’ve been subjected over seven years by your writing has apparently given us major hormonal problems along with brain damage. Oh yes doing another cringeworthy girlie scene is so exciting! NOT!!!” She screamed. “Well I’m on strike and so is Spam. We’re not coming back to work until we get at least three decent episodes to direct and act in and script approval rights for the rest of this season! No more killing off or losing any alternative boyfriends leaving me with no alternative but Mr. Emotional Retard who couldn’t find a loop-hole in USAF regulations if he fell into it head first after I pushed him!”

Spam and Amazing march off into the trailer arm in arm followed by Nearer and Marshmallow. Loud renditions of Sisters are doing it and other feminist theme pop songs begun. Sassy is rolling on the ground in silent laughter. Goldie argles something in Goullawk. Probably “this is going to be fun tehehe!” The pros pound on the door again but cant be heard over the loud music and the sounds of giggling, laughing, and other things.

Some time later on set after an emergency rewrite.

“Alright listen up everyone Spam has had her mind transferred by a piece of mysterious alien technology into another body. She’s lonely lost and confused and needs a hug. Okay Young Prince for a surprise twist you get to kiss and comfort her! Hey where’s he going! Get back here! Just cos she’s in OsNarl’s body is no reason to go ring your agent and lawyer. Trust the PTBs! the DJ set will love this special moment of friendship.”

Simultaneously over in a certain other dimension, OsNarl, Tallawk and Spaniel are searching heroically for Spam. A strange and terrible apparition approaches them on a skateboard, wearing a sign on her chest, “Spam’s temp sub!” It’s Goldie wearing a frothy concoction of purple lace that’s apparently mean to be a wedding gown since its secured to her head by a floral wreath and Sassy is trotting behind her holding up the train in her mouth. OsNarl stops and shudders. Spaniel faints, whumped by terror (and the scribe’s inability to resist an opportunity for a silly joke). Tallawk starts uncontrollably giggling. Goldie flutters her eyelashes at him and takes a flying leap off her skateboard and into OsNarl’s arms. She starts trying to kiss OsNarl, nuzzling him passionately. JonaHexed pops up out of nowhere with a portable monitor screen showing dialogue.

“Oh my darling due to my strangely altered form I can no longer serve in the USAF or as a civilian consultant. There is no regulation about affairs with alien civilians! We can finally declare our undying love and get married! Everyone will be so happy or die of disgust or laughter! Are you happy my love? I’ll get some friendly alien to clone me a brand new humanoid body after we both get honorable discharges and guarantee our pensions! Smile for the camera!!!”

OsNarl faints. Tallawk is still uncontrollably giggling. Goldie triumphantly tears off the veil and she and Sassy trot and roll off into the sunset followed by JonaHexed.

Their mission is accomplished. They have mercilessly teased several fannish factions.

We understand Spam eventually came out of the trailer and went off somewhere with Marshmallow and Nearer – probably a vacation planet.

Amazing is presumably still in consultation with her lawyer and agent over the fine print in her contract and awaiting a return to sanity by the writers. The Young Prince did not kiss a certain individual and neither did anyone else.

The fans are still waiting for the pros to clean up the mess and remember both Spam and Amazing are intelligent adults capable of transcending their hormones and are not girlies, Barbie dolls, performers in a soap opera, or poseable action figures!