SHIPPING OUT

 

Another report brought to you by the usual team of culprits.

 

This report is dedicated to the following people:

 

The folk who created those fun and inspiring images for the Baal and Sam Appreciation Thread on the Gateworld BBS/Forum! Normally I ignore shippy sigs but Merrin’s starter contribution flowed on to create an amusing string of imagery!

 

Amanda Tapping if you ever happen to read this story we’re sorry we can’t give you a real spaceship but we hope you have fun reading about the imaginary one we’ve given to Spam!

 

Claudia Black we hope some one will refer you to our section on How to Handle the PTBs ? Number One Rule ? Remember they are Boys! Worse some of them are mates? As one Aussie Sheila, if you’ll forgive the cultural cliche ? to another, you know what that means?

 

Cliff Simon for his performance as Baal in Season Eight ? great fun to watch!

 

Finally we wish to thank the Young Prince for his inspirational recital of yet another story about Crysafur’s behavior on set. You are responsible for some extra terrible puns!

 

 

Our opening scene is set in Star Grope Command.

Spam was sitting in her lab looking particularly despondent and quietly swearing.

 

"The @@#%#^^^ that *&^%% how could you you @$#$#%^ he’s going to Washington without me and after I dumped PolicePetey and went fishing with him. "

 

Her ranting is interrupted by the arrival of a messenger dressed in Twoupya costume who passes her a message crystal. She inserts it in a holographic display unit.

 

It’s a message from her recently written out father (BOO HISS All together scream aaargh they killed off Selmak and Jacob!!! But thanks Carmen Argenianzo for the pleasure you’ve given us over the years. You will be missed!)

 

"Hello Spam. Remember I said you can have anything you want? Well Daddy’s Special Friend Selmak inherited a space yacht from a previous host and Daddy is leaving it to you to play with. Here’s the co-ordinates for the world where I’ve hidden it. Take some of that long service leave you’ve accumulated and say you’re off surveying black holes or something and use it to have fun! I can recommend the following neutral worlds as fun places to party "

 

Spam eyes light up and she smiles in anticipation.

 

 

Meanwhile in LA LA LAND the Silver Canid is still on vacation!

 

"Daddy There’s some men at the door from MGM who want to talk to you about contractual obligations!"

 

"Princess tell the nice men Daddy has a broken ankle and is on sick leave!"

 

"But Daddy that’s a whopping big fib you’re packing to go to Newfoundland!"

 

"Just go to the front door and tell them Daddy is on vacation! And while you’re doing that Daddy will quietly hobble out of the back door and towards the garage and take the modified vehicle to the airport! Daddy will bring back ice cream!"

 

Sometime later the highway leading to the airport.

 

"Say Marge looka that! Do you think they’re filming a movie? Look they’re chasing that guy along the street and they’re carrying tranquiller dart guns, straight jackets, nets, and lassos. Hey is that a miniature jet engine powering that wheel chair??

 

"It must be a movie Homey there’s a dachsie and an strange dragon like creature and a terribly eager enthusiastic and keen young man with reddish brown hair following them in a motor cycle with a side car filming the whole thing!"

 

Scribal Note? The threesome being of course Sassy the divine Miss C, Goldie the Goullawk Queen, and their official Support Person and Side Kick JonaHexed.

 

 

Somewhere in outer space. Spam is squealing joyously!

 

"A ship! My very own ship! I’m shipping out on my own private cruiser! Wow! Hyperdrive! Transwarp drive! A Wormhole Generator! Holographic interfacing that makes it feel as though you’re flying through space and lets you redecorate the interiors in any combination of colors and styles. Motor cycles! Canoes! A oven for baking cookies and cake! Subspace communications! Asgard teleportation! A fully equipped science lab. It’s my dream ship! It has a spa and a bed with satin sheets! Computers running multiple operating environments including MacOS, Linux, and Windows, with gorgeous big flat screens with all the software and a Cray server for backup! And a freezer full of chocolate and champagne! Oh thank you Daddy! "

 

We briefly leave Spam as she plots in the co-ordinates for a neutral party world and prays no one from SGC will be visiting there!

 

 

Meanwhile back at Pontificial Studios filming has commenced.

 

One of the usual suspects is being smug!

 

"Hey now that we’ve cleared out the dogs and the Goullawk and those left over Dawllawks and Repotoys (see previous reports) we can get some real work done on our new villains!So long as we keep chanting remember Reckoning Part Two they cant revive RepoCarter! Okay roll out the test models for the new improved villains! "

 

A large flaming burning cookie rolls out of a door and across the car park leaving a trail of smouldering crumbs. It hits the side of a trailer and smashes to pieces.

 

" Er guys I said Oree or Orii NOT Oreos! They are not ascended biscuits!"

Burning priors not flaming cookies please!?

 

A tiny voice said "But Neith said they’re ascended biscuits!"

 

" Ignore Neith! She’s a sensible intelligent educated older woman who can do irony! She’s not one of the boys and never will be! And there are absolutely no sentient dachshunds hanging around the studio or little dragon Queens."

Scribal Note - and there will continue to be satires so long as PTBS continue amongst other things to make remarks about how they would dearly love to read fan subsmissions YET dont bother to send fan writers copyright disclaimer forms to sign or send them the address of their agents or tell them which agents they prefer and are too stingy to pay for readers and a slush pile! If you really want to read our stories let people know who your preferred agents are - most of us do not live in LA or have access to agents!

 

Someone mutters, "After doing Citizen Joe you’re complaining about other people’s sense of humor? "

 

 

Back at Party World Spam is in the local equivalent of a wine bar checking out the regional variety of studs. Officially according to the message she sent back to SGC she’s following up a rumor about a sighting of Nearer to my heart and surviving Tolleasers. Frankly she’s just looking for some love action! She spots an oddly familiar figure. There’s something about the way he’s draped across the bar, an oddly elegant disdain for gravity.

 

Whoever this is he’s wearing the kind of leather trousers you only read about in Laurell K. Hamilton novels. They’re skintight and so shiny they almost could be satin and they lace up the sides in a cross over pattern. The owner of this garment is also wearing matching knee high boots with silver studs down one side that emphasize the line of his shapely calves and a sleeveless leather vest made up of long crossing over strands of leather that reveal a perfect light tan on his arms and parts of his back. His hair seen from behind is dark with the subtlest touch of silver and cut short in a way that’s severe yet classical in its restraint and he seems to have a beard and moustache. A certain Vampire night club owner would probably offer him a contract to perform in his strip club and elsewhere.

 

(Now there’s an evil thought for a crossover ?the Goa’uld meeting LKH vamps ?or … or gasp LKH’s editor buys a whip and tells her to cut back on the sex scenes and fix the plotting and other errors that appeared in the last few books! Privileged does not have two d’s!

 

Here’s an even wickeder thought? the Gou’ald who survived the war with the Replicators all immigrate to St. Louis at the same time as the cast of Queer As folk attend a convention there! A threeway cat fight ensues as Nathaniel, Emmet, and Baal get into a fight during a Designer Store Sale!)

 

He turns and spots Spam and they both gasp in surprise!

 

"Lord Ballsup!?" Yes it’s that sly but stylish sneak of a System Lord!

 

"Spamuela Reactor! What are you doing here? Can I buy you a drink? "

 

Before she can say no Lord Ballsup has elegantly swept her towards a table and placed an order for whatever is the local equivalent of a really good sparkling white or champagne!

 

"So Spamuela have you finally abandoned those foolish demented Tauri and their Jaffa allies and have come to seek a realm needing a Queen?" asks Baal with a look that suggests he knows exactly who he fancies as a consort, lets see intelligent blonde healthy educated and definitely in need of a mate of some kind. SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! But no slash only the usual merciless teasing!

 

"I’m on vacation actually. Come to see the sights in this system. The fire falls. The planetary rings. The triple jewel colored moons ? the …"

 

Lord Ballsup interjects. "wonderful view from my top floor balcony!?"

 

"er mmm we are officially enemies!?" squeaks Spam as Lord Baal continues to give her that "and am I so interested in you look!" "And you did torture one of my best friends?"

 

"Oh that business with the formic acid and O? whats his name? Nile Nell Kanaan Jake something like that ? well that was work! I was preparing him for a new role as my Jaffa Prime. To be exact that was therapy! He said some very interesting things about his ex wife and you and Hathor and Thor and Daniel well does he have some problems in certain areas?" stated Baal knowingly arching one eyebrow. Perhaps it was fortunate that he escaped?? continued Baal, "Retraining him would have been interesting but difficult!?"

 

"Probably impossible," muttered Spam, and a chorus of annoyed fans, shippers and anti-shippers alike, who after seeing certain Season Eight Episodes, are thinking, oh for pity’s sake either have them break regs or split them up once and for all and put them both in therapy! Along with certain writers.

 

"This is a neutral world Spamuela,"continued Ballsup smoothly. "I had to seal a contract promising not to change hosts while here and I couldn’t bring any of my slaves, Jaffa, Kull warriors, or Lo’taur. Very refreshing actually. I had to dress myself! But the privacy! They have sound proofed suites with mirrors on the ceilings and the walls here so I could practice singing love ballads and my new erotic dance routine for the next fertility rite in my temple and ...you’re looking rather pale?" queried Ballsup? " Do the environmental controls need adjustment? More ice perhaps? I’m here for you! What do you need for a pleasant evening?"

 

Spam screamed silently though her mouth formed a smile. A Goa’uld had said the “magic words? "I’m here for you!" A Goa’uld dressed in a really attractive black leather outfit that brought back memories of certain activities while she was college. Here at last was her dilemma solved, a sensible intelligent older male, old enough to be her father who had a sensual side to him and was interested in her! AAARGH!!!

 

SHIP! SHIP! SHIP!

 

Spam’s brain flooded with hormones to the extend she felt like she’d eaten too much good dark chocolate and she had to start reciting maths formulae to calm herself!

 

She took a deep breath and asked Ballsup, "Yes I need another cold drink please!"

 

"Hey have you ever tried riding motorcycles?" she asked.

 

Ballsup smiled! He had no idea what a motorcycle was but he was quite willing to find out if it pleased Spamuela.

 

"Tell me what a motorcycle is?"

 

 

Meanwhile back at Pontifical Studios things are pretty much back to normal. Writers and producers are lurking on the net forums when they should be editing and doing rewrites.

The crew are doing most of the work and over in a trailer a new semi-reg has just found a videotape addressed to her.

 

"ValaDOTau Read this ASAP! With Love from S and G!"

 

In smaller letters below those words was also written

 

"How to Survive the PTBS?"

 

Rule One: Remember they’re boys.

 

Rule Two: Remember they’re "MATES!"

 

Rule Three: Your best friends are the makeup and design crews!

 

Rule Four: If you see a dachsie wandering around the set feed and pet it!

 

Rule Five: If you see a strange little Dragonoid creature also pet and feed that too!

 

Rule Six: Exploit your fandom but do it gently! Tease don’t Spoil!

 

Any spoilers should be given out the same way you add spice to a dish with a light and delicate careful touch. Less is better than more.

 

Rule Six: Be very careful about teasing or flirting with Spaniel. You do not want to incur the wrath of certain shippers. To say nothing of the presence of the Young Prince’s lady on set who will be playing a doctor.

 

Rule Seven: Have fun!

 

Back on a certain party world outside the city two figures dressed in leather are racing across the countryside seated one behind the other on a motorbike. They are heading for a scenic area with a natural spa pool fed by waterfalls. One waterfall flows from a hot spring and the other from cold ice water and so you have mmm stimulating coolness and relaxing steam depending on which side of the pool and ... we’ll lets some slash writer expand on that shall we and move on with the story ?

 

Back at Star Grope Command the New Genial is bellowing and begging over the phone to Homeworld Security.

 

"I cant believe we can fight off various aliens who want to invade Earth and cant keep one dachshund and a dragonoid out of my office! They graffitied my walls! What do you mean I got off lightly? You’re doing what to your pond? Having it drained? What’s your private lake got to do with my problems? They put what in the water? There are actually fish in your pond now? This is a problem. Spam tried to use them to cook a romantic dinner? Who’s Spam? I’m lucky they were feeling friendly? OsNarl? OsNaRL! He hung up on me?!?:

 

The walls of his office are covered with purple lettering welcoming him in several languages. He sits there quietly sobbing while a dachshund and a Goullawk nonchalantly devour their respective platters of sashimi and steak.

 

Back to Party World.

 

Ballsup and Sam are picnicking and he is enthralling Sam by reading passages from a physics text. Let’s just say he reads in a way that makes quantum level particle wave interactions sound sexy. Neither of them are wearing much in the way of clothing unless you count anticipatory smiles. They’re alone and happy. No emotionally dependent lotaur. No thick skulled Jaffa. No cranky Unas. No whumped Daniels. No annoying stoic Primes. No sadistic Repotoys. No OsNarls being deliberately and methodically dense.

No annoying self righteous aliens demanding help. Yes they’re happy!

 

Back to the Studios

 

Outside Crysafur’s trailer a large black donkey is tied up and eating a very large bowl of bran. A group of worried PTB’s is clustered around it fretting and whispering.

 

"You don’t suppose that’s Crysafur do you? They couldn’t have found out what the Young Prince said at that convention already. Could they? "

 

They collectively shudder unaware they are being watched from the interior of the Young Prince’s trailer when two boyish males are chatting.

 

"Wow they fell for it! They think someone changed me into a large black donkey! "

 

"Eh this is great!" replied the other, "Sassy and Goldie will get the blame for this!"

 

 

The father of two replied, "We could swipe Pugkept’s laptop for a manual typewriter!"

 

"Nyah someone’s already tried that one!"

 

And one last time on party world!

 

Ballsup ' hotel suite. The bedroom. Two happy smiling people!

 

“" So Spamuela same time tomorrow for the riding lessons?"

 

"Oh yes definitely!"

 

(I’m sure the shippers and slashers can make something out of riding lessons?)

 

Back at Star Grope Command. Someone has moved a couch into the Briefing room. Sassy and Goldie are lolling on it. The new Genial stomps in with a strange glitter in his eye and announces to them.

 

"You have thirty seconds to start vacating the premises!"

 

Sassy nonchalantly starts scratching behind her ear. Goldie stretches out her neck and begins to wriggle her ear fins at the Genial in a manner that doesn’t seem respectful.

 

The Genial bellows. "You are trespassing in USAF property! This is your final warning!"

 

"Would you like a kiss?" asks Goldie, unfortunately in Goullawk so it sounds like a string of hooting and gurgling noises.

 

The Genial glares them and shapes a hand signal at some one in the next room. A fully armed SG squad of people who obviously had have no prior experience with Goullawks or sentient dachshunds enter the room.

 

"Shoot to kill!" screams the Genial. Sassy and Goldie franticly scurry out of the room!

 

Some time later having reached safety with minimal gunshot injuries, Sassy is talking to Goldie.

 

"Wow OsNarl must be really mad at us about the fish pond. I told you adding the gators and the anacondas was too much!"

 

"I still think he’s not happy cos of the big fight they had when Spam offered to cook a romantic candle light dinner and OsNarl discovered his cabin had received the "domestic goddess" treatment?" replied Goldie, "along with his house.?"

 

"Who’d have thought the man would take offence at getting a set of new bookcases and barbeque tools in designer colors?" sighed Sassy

 

"That was your idea dear?" answered Goldie, and now he’s shipping out to Washington!"

 

"Sooo should we go and see if we can annoy the PTB’s at the studio? " asked Sassy.

 

One last time back on Party World.

 

Ballsup and Spam are having a morning meal of the local version of a full breakfast with equivalents to croissants, hot biscuits / scones, bacon, sausage, eggs, toasted carbohydrates etc.?

 

"Good news in the news report," remarks Ballsup while reading a display near the table, "there’s no news! No alien invaders, a truce in the war between the surviving Gou’ald and the Jaffa Rebels, no signs of any Descended Cookie activity …"

 

"Descended Cookie?" inquiries Spam.

 

"Sorry that was a spoiler! We may both be having some problems with Dark Confectionery in the near future but not for a while yet my dear? Would you pour some more of that dark beverage for me?" replied Ballsup.

 

"So we can stay shipped out for a while longer?" responded Spam smiling winsomely.

 

Back to Pontifical Studios for our final scene!

 

The PTBs are quietly sobbing. Why? Cos Sassy and Goldie are doing a song and dance routine on the Gate ramp to welcome the Young Prince’s Lady and ValaDOTau to the set. There’s something strange and wonderful and yet scary about the sight of a Goullawk and a dachshund wearing classic black and white top hats and tails particularly the mystery of how do they keep them on with no visible straps?

 

One of the PTBs screams!

 

"An episode slot and promotion to pro to whoever can rid me of those little brutes!"

" Someone anyone get them off the set! And Stop laughing! It only encourages them!"

 

And there we leave you gentle readers until the next acts of public folly by PTBS or Fandom provides inspiration! We hope you enjoyed shipping out with Spam and Ballsup and all the rest of our cast regardless of your actual shipper / slash orientation?