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My Testimony May 26, 2004 I want to take the time to share with you my testimony on how God has changed my life. Most of my life I have had a big battle with rejection and unforgivingness. Since I was 8 years old I have had to deal with being hated by a whole family. I was adopted by my dad after my mom and him got married. And for some reason the family had something against me. I spent most of my teenage years trying to figure out what I did to make them hate me so much. And the later on in my life I learned of the degree that hate went. And then I began to hate them. Through all of this a Great Big Wall was going up around my heart that had been hurt so much as a child and even in to my adult years. Some where along the line I started dating and planning to married this young man. I tried to push marriage on to him , my thought was that if we got married we would never break up. But my controlling nature and my untrust pushed him away and we never did get married. Around about that time my Uncle made a prediction that I would be the kind of woman that had to have a man take care of her. And then I met my Dear Husband, and all my defenses went in to full gear, and I took control of everything to make sure I didn't make him think I needed him. And by doing this I took his role as head of the house away from him. He expected me to clean and cook and do it all and I didn't not want to be expected to do anything. I wanted it to be fair and have help, and when I didn't get the help I thought I should have been getting I would stop keeping the house clean. Then Chris would get mad and so would I and the arguments would start. And of course it was all my DH's fault not mine. And that would be my excuse. We got married after 4 years and one child later, and refused for the preacher to put in the vows "To Love, Honor and Obey. It was to be "To Love , Honor and Cherish" I was not going to Obey any man. The control got worse as the years went by and I started hating my DH's Late wife ( I dubbed her The Late **** The Great). I though that her doing all the house work and pleasing him was babying him. ( Boy was I wrong). Finally after being tired of this way of Life I decided That I didn't want Satan to win my marriage. So on recommendation from a friend I bought " The Power of A Praying Wife & Woman By Stormie Omartian" As I read the wife one and saying the prayers with all my heart . In three days I saw a change in me. We were setting on the couch watching a movie snuggling and all of a sudden this wave of love that I had never felt for Chris washed over me. WOW! We started attending church as a family and we didn't argue. Plus I was keeping my house clean. Then on another recommendation from another friend I bought two more books. " A Wife After God's Own Heart & A Woman After God's own Heart By Elizabeth George" I read the wife one and discovered that I wanted to be submissive to my Husband and please him. So on May 22 early 23 I went out and prayed to God of my true desires to be a submissive wife to my husband. I asked Him to teach and help me. I told God that I wanted to be the wife, mother, & woman that he wanted me to be. And WHAM boy did I get a wake up call, The Lord showed me all the sin I had hidden in my heart in regards to my DH. He showed me how I hated his late wife for being a submissive wife. ( Whoa) I was shown how I stole his status as Head of the Household. I spiritually ( Pardon the remark) Castrated my DH. ( OUCH) I was the controller in the family , I look back and its like my gosh I was horrible and hurtful. I shamed my DH by not keeping our house clean. I was disrespectful and that meant I was being disrespectful to God. ( Even BIGGER OUCH). I was convicted of this and not being the mother God had called me to be. I was teaching my DD's that this was the right way. Plus I was convicted of doing lip service to God like a month ago . ( OUCH) Plus God told me I had not truly forgave all who I felt had hurt me. So I have Confessed all this as sin, and repented and have decided to walk away from this wrong way of living. And I feel So free and I know that I can't do any of this with out God's help. But with His help I can & will do this. Last night I did the hardest thing I have had to do . I asked the man who I had shamed and been so mean and ugly to , to forgive me. And he did just as God has forgiven me. We are renewing our wedding vows in 2007, and I will be putting back in to love , honor and obey now that I know God's meaning of Obey. I have still got a lot of growing to do and learning. But I know I have the best teacher I can have. I thank God for putting the writing of these books upon these Christian women's hearts. God used these books to convict me of my sin. And in doing so heal me of my rejected & unforgiving heart. PTL! My hearts desire is to be the Wife, Mother & Woman that God wants me to be! I've learned that by being disobedient to my DH I was also being disobedient to God. And by being Submissive to my DH I am being submissive to God. How wonderful!!!! I want to say that there is a difference between being submissive to a loving husband , and being submissive to a controlling abuser . God does not want us to be in a relationship where we are getting hurt . He Loves Us TOO Much for that. This is my desire to be a submissive wife to my loving Husband to please him and to honor him. And to help him attain the status of "The Head of the Household". And with my Loving Heavenly Father I will be! 
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