I read recently that American Express has been going all out to restore their market share, which they have lost to other credit cards—Discover and Visa, mostly. They’ve lost business for a good reason: they charge more money for less service than anyone else. I hope the bastards never regain one point of the market share they’ve lost.

They have a commercial where some schmuck comes on and describes how he tried to charge beyond the limit on his credit card, and was embarrassed. That’s why he got the American Express Card—it has no preset spending limit. Ha! It has no preset limit for the express purpose of being able to set any arbitrary limit American Express feels like setting, on the particular day you try to use the bloody thing.

The most embarrassing moment of my life came at the hands of—you guessed it—American Express. I had gone to buy a computer, which sold for around $2300. I had a Discover, several Visas and Mastercards, and an AmEx Gold Card. I wasn’t sure of my limit on these other cards. So, knowing that my Gold card had no limit, I attempted to use it.

I had to stand there, holding up the line and having everyone watch me, as the American Express lackey on the phone told me that I couldn’t charge that much. I explained to the asshole the “no preset limit” deal his piece-of-shit card supposedly carried, but he said I hadn’t used the card enough to charge $2300—my previous high was only $700. And, since it was Sunday, he couldn’t call my bank to verify that I had the money in my account to cover the charge. Needless to say, I was fuming—I’m amazed I didn’t spontaneously combust from anger and embarrassment.

First, if they are going to bestow upon a person one of their precious cards, then they should trust him to pay off the charge when it comes due. I thought that was the whole purpose of the application and credit checks they do before giving you the card. If you don’t trust me to use your card responsibly, then don’t give me the damn thing.

And, secondly, it’s none of their goddamn business how much money I have in my checking account when I make the purchase! If the banks had been open, and they could have checked my balance, I think that I had enough to cover the $2300—but that’s not the point. I don’t have to come up with the money until they send me the bill at the end of the month. Maybe I have the money stuffed under my mattress. Maybe it’s in my secret Swiss account. Maybe I have a drug deal going down. As long as the bastards get paid, it’s none of their concern where the money comes from.

I will never forgive AmEx for this inexcusable behavior—none of my “lesser” credit cards ever gave me one bit of trouble like this. I wouldn’t take another one of their cards if they paid me, and if I ever get famous, I’ll make a point of pushing another credit card. I had paid $75 a year for the privilege of being debased in public at their whim.