They call it decaffeinated coffee. They shouldn’t even be allowed to use the word “coffee” while marketing this wimpy brew. How about pseudo-coffee, or “a black, watery, foul tasting, coffee-like substance.” What the hell is the point, anyway? If you can’t handle the caffeine in coffee, you have absolutely no business drinking it—in any form. It’s not as though it were the only drink available. If it weren’t for the pick-me-up that I get from a full-strength cup of java, I would stick to water and soft drinks. In fact, I only drink coffee on those days when I really need it—when the choice is either pass out from sheer exhaustion or have a cup of coffee.

Coffee is one of those things that exists solely as a result of what it does for you. Beer is another. Non-alcoholic beer is a totally ridiculous concept. If someone came to me and pitched the idea of non-alcoholic beer, I would laugh him out of my office. The fact that it is now a huge (and I imagine, very profitable) business doesn’t change the fact that I can’t see why anyone would want to buy or drink it.

Sports Stadiums seem to be getting in on the non-alcoholic beer phenomenon. They like to serve it in the later stages of games, to sober up the drunken fans for the post-game drive home. The reason they get away with it is because these guys are not the most discerning of beer drinkers. They pay anywhere from $4.00 and up for a glass of tepid, flat, cheap stadium beer. By the end of the night, the stadium could serve hot pig urine to these guys, and they would drink it.

Most food and beverages we like are, in one way or another, bad for us. But the fact that we like them is independent of the characteristic that makes them bad. For example, if someone developed a fat-free, low-calorie Breyer’s Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream, which had a taste indistinguishable from the original, I would eat a half gallon per day. The fat and calories are not what is important—it’s the taste that I love.

And this is precisely the point at which beer and coffee diverge from other food substances. The caffeine and the alcohol are what is important—we put up with the taste in order to get our drug fix. Now let’s imagine that Breyer’s came up with a new Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream—only this time, it has the exact same consistency and color of the original, but tastes like cardboard. I’ll pass, thank you. This is what has happened with the development of decaffeinated coffee and non-alcoholic beer. They have managed to preserve the meaningless characteristics while getting rid of the important ones.

I know there are people who say they like the taste of these items, and I guess these are the imbeciles who are buying all the decaffeinated coffees and non-alcoholic beers on the market. As far as I’m concerned, they’re a bunch of phonies. Either they are too stubborn to just give up beer and/or coffee, or they are too stupid to see past the marketing gimmicks.

So, what do you think? Do you like a nice cup of Sanka or glass of O'Doul's now and then? Do you own a Sports Stadium, and want to disagree? Well, I'm here. Send me some mail at scooter262@yahoo.com