Diary Of The Physically Unfit

   For my birthday this year, my wife purchased
me a week of
        private lessons at the local health club. Though still in
great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team
in high school,
I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it.
I called and
                  made reservations with someone named Tanya,
who said she is a
26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model.
My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

                 Day 1
                 They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress
                  this week. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but
                  worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting
           for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a
                  dazzling white smile.

                 She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five
                  minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so
              high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers
            added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.
             Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut
                  was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was
        talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

                 Day 2
                 Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it.
             Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up
              into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs
                  were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her
        smile made it all worth it. Muscles feel GREAT!!

                 Day 3
                 The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on
                  the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am
              certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving
             was okay as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a
            Volkswagen.

                 Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was
             bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so
                  I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to
             simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of
                 elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live
          longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

                 Day 4
               Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
                  can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie
              my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya.
                  The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's
                  room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made
        me try the rowing machine. It sank.

                 Day 5
             I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any
            other human being in the history of the world. If there was any
           part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She
            thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well, I
           have news for you Tanya, I don't have triceps.

              And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any
            barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU
                  went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me
                  back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it
                  have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
                  studies?

                 Day 6
                 Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering
                  where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I
                  watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

                 Day 7
                 Well, that's the week. Thank God that's over. Maybe next time my
                  wife will give me something a little more fun, like a free
                  upper-colon exam or gum surgery.

author~ UnKnown